A Day in the Life of Usain Bolt

NUGGETS, NUGGETS, NUGGETS!

When Usain Bolt was asked how he prepared for the Olympics' 100 Meter Final, he waxed on about nuggets and little else.

By all accounts, Usain is insane (Writer's note: Bolt is also hilarious, incredibly talented, charismatic, and seemingly nice... but that's not funny to highlight). It starts with nuggets, but there's so much more to tell.

Read a minute-by-minute account of how the Marcus Green-lookalike will spend the day of the 200 meters final.

5:00 AM: Sleep.

6:00 AM: Wake up. Look out window. Realize you're in Shanghai. Wrinkle forehead because you'd thought the Olympics had been in Beijing, and the party you'd been at was definitely in Beijing. Puke because you're still drunk. Shove three topless bitchez off bed. Sleep.

9:00 AM: Turn off phone because coach and dad, er, Asafa keep calling. Sleep.

12:30 PM: Wake up. Check phone messages. Laugh because your coach is in Beijing for some reason.

1:00 PM: High-step around Shanghai in search of nuggets. Settle for Kung Pao Chicken. Shove vegetables to side.

1:30 PM: Finally answer coach's calls. Learn Olympics have actually been in Beijing. Yawn. Order coach to come pick you up. And bring NUGGETS! Lots and lots and lots of nuggets...

1:45 PM: Realize you've been walking around all day barefoot. Shrug.

2:00 PM: Find empty street. Make sure speed limit is under 35 MPH. Measure out 100 meters. Warm-up by running 5 X 100 in 9.3 seconds each. Then, run 5 X 200 in 18.7 seconds each.

2:45 PM: Real work-out: S-T-Y-L-E! Gotta look good tonight. Find mirror. Smile at self. Wink. Like what you see. Practice ripping off shirt. Perfect high-stepping form. Attempt cartwheel. Contemplate diving at full speed across finish line.

3:00 PM: Eureka! Decide to crush field for first 180 meters of 200 final before crabwalking last 20 to finish in 18.9 seconds.

3:30 PM: See exhausted looking white man in goggles, swimsuit, swimcap, and gold medals running by screaming. Watch tiny, drooling white boy with raging clue run after him. Recognize tiny boy as Little Bob Costas. Breath sigh of relief at not being American.

4:00 PM: Remember 200 meters final is tonight. Gotta hydrate. Thank lucky stars after finding Red Stripe. Drink case while waiting for coach.

4:30 PM: Watch helicopter land. Coach and Asafa get out, demand you get on plane. Offer to race Asafa 50 meters to helicopter for shotgun. Give Asafa three seconds head start. Pass Asafa 10 meters before reaching the helicopter.

4:45 PM: Wonder how many topless bitchez could fit on a helicopter. Decide to buy a helicopter and find out after winning your second gold medal.

5:00 PM: Feast on nuggets.

6:00 PM: Land in Beijing. Leap off helicopter acrobatically in case anyone is watching. Stretch arms for pre-race poses as you walk to the track.

6:30 PM: Arrive at Bird's Nest. Scan crowd for topless bitchez...

6:45 PM: See black American with "Gay" on shirt approach. Exchange pleasantries. Ask coach if all gay Americans so proudly display it on their shirts. Laugh when coach claims "Gay" used to be the World's Fastest Man. First funny thing coach ever said. First funny thing anyone else ever said actually... World Records didn't exist before Usain Bolt.

7:00 PM: Line up for race. Give the fans what they want: Classic Olympian pose, Michelangelo's David, The Discus Thrower, The Heisman...

7:05 PM: One last swig of Appleton before the gun goes off.

7:06 PM: Get in blocks facing backwards.

7:07:11 PM: Gun goes off.

7:08:22 PM: Cross finish line exhausted. Check clock... 1 minute, 11.4 seconds! A new-PR! A world-record for a 200-meter crabwalk? It is!

7:10 PM: Realize cameras are following dis mon. But he finished in 19.71 seconds...? That's not a world-record! Glare at photographers. Stomp off track. Swear off Olympics forever.

7:30 PM: Find party in Olympic village.

7:45 PM: Blackout.

11:00 PM: Wake up in bed. Turn on light. See same white boy that was in Shanghai earlier with all the gold medals tied up, scared look in eyes. Look under covers... Bob Costas!? Shudder. Shrug. Turn off light. Sleep.