Fabio Capello Should Go Jose Mourinho All Over the England National Football Team's Asses!

Emile Heskey is a no-talent Championship striker, not an international footballer. At least not for a nation that aspires to make the World Cup. I know that's a fact everyone can agree on.

Unfortunately no one can agree on anything else when it comes to the most booed team in the world... the England national football team, except for the fact that they suck, they're wankers, and they're boring as hell.

Lucky for all, I'm here to quell the storm with a perscription to cure their ails and answer any questions.

England EFF'n sucks because their talent is overrated, isn't it?
In a word, yes. Five Premier League sides possess better strikeforces, and about 15 have better goalkeepers.

But that's not to say they lack world-class players. Unfortunately, the ones they have all overlap in defense and midfield.

Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Wayne Bridge (yes, him), Micah Richards, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Owen Hargreaves, and Wayne Rooney are all among the best in the world at their positions. At least it's fair to assume so based off of the integral role they play for the best club sides, and their price tags on the transfer market.

Bloody hell! Are we at least good enough to make the World Cup or will we be embarassed again?
Qualifying should be easy enough now that playboy Sven has flowing off to Mexico with his tips on dealing with the birds, and Steve McClaren did everyone a favor by falling off a cliff (That is what happened, right?... I honeslty can hardly remember the guy, thankfully.).

Fabio Capello needs to right their wrongs. He can do so by taking a page out of the books of Jose Mourinho, Rafa Benítez, Sir Alex Ferguson, and, now, Luiz Felipe Scolari.

The aforementioned quartet, led by the Special One, have sparked a philosophical trend with emphasis on defensive midfielders and creative central midfielders the last few years.

Luckily, England has both in spades.

Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester United have thrived with diminished width and one striker up top. That fits England's personnel perfectly. Isn't coaching about making the most of what you've got?

Then what is England's "Winning Eleven?"
Most importantly, it starts with anyone but Paul Robinson at goalkeeper.

A line of Richards, Terry, Ferdinand, and Cole at the back is proven, athletic, and offers more offensive firepower than most national teams can come up with.

As relayed above, Chelsea and Liverpool have demonstrated two defensive midfielders can work together. Gareth Barry and Hargreaves are good ones.

A three-man attacking midfield of Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and Wayne Rooney looks impressive on paper and must work. Each make great runs through the box, can pass, get back on defense, and play with a bit of flair. Rooney is always slotted as a forward, but he's proven incapable of playing alone on an island a la Didier Drogba.

Stop right there! Where's the width?
Barry, Gerrard, and Rooney all like to roam into space. If everyone is centralized, I'd argue that it'll allow them more room to pick their spots and effectively sneak outside from time-to-time.

Chelsea manage this trick with a five-man midfield of John Obi Mikel, Lampard, Deco, Michael Ballack, and Joe Cole. Liverpool wanted to play with Javier Mascherano, Barry, Gerrard, Ryan Babel, and Yossi Benayoun, before going traditional with Robbie Keane. A quintet of Barry, Hargreaves, Lampard, Ballack, and Rooney is at least their equal.

Striker please!
Bleh. Yuck. Tavaris Jackson-like slim pickings here, and there really is no right answer.

Michael Owen cannot be relied on, Peter Crouch looks disturbing out there, Alan Smith is another Emile Heskey, Andrew Johnson has speed, but little else, Theo Walcott doesn't even play striker (let alone play typically) for his club, and Gabriel Agbonlahor is a few years away.

True, true.
So we're left with Jermain Defoe, Dean Ashton, and Darren Bent. In other words, no matter who England select, Italy, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, the Netherlands, and Germany have five better options.

That shouldn't depress the British, though, because Portugal similarly lacks Champions League quality strikers, yet seemingly everyone picks them to win every tournament they're in (including this dumbass writer).

David James
Richards, Ferdinand, Terry, Cole
Hargreaves, Barry
Lampard, Gerrard, Rooney
Ashton?
Looks pretty Chelsea to me...
Exactly! Lampard and Gerrard can focus on offense only with that imposing six-man defense behind them. If England manage to score first, they can pull back and grind out victories as per the trend in club football these days.

Or they can play Heskey, lose to Croatia, and eventually miss out on World Cup 2010 while a nation boos... and boos... and boos. And boozes.

Why can't a middle East oil oligarch just buy the England national team and pimp it out with Igor Akinfeev, Dimitar Berbatov, Robinho, Kaka, and Fernando Torres?