Bring Back The Jay

Dear Chicago Sun-Times sports editor Stu Courtney,

Over the last few weeks (15 days to be exact) I have patiently sat back and cried to myself. Why, do you ask? Because in that period of time I have not been graced with the treasure that is, a Jay Mariotti article...nay, a Jay Mariotti artwork.

You may say, "Well you can still watch him on Around the Horn," but that just is not the same. If anything, it makes it worse. Seeing him there...purple background...probably hanging out with fellow unemployed columnist Kevin Blackistone. It tears my heart to pieces.

Plus he's not exactly visually appealing and his voice sounds like a gremlin. (Hence the excess muting)

No, I cannot explain why Jay quit the Times, but I do know that if you take him back, you will not regret it. For he may only be four feet in stature, but if journalistic integrity were measured in height, he would be 7'6".

That's right sir, he's "three foot nine with a ten foot..."

But he's no devil (more of an angry dwarf), and he most certainly has a cause.

Listen, Jay knows about the paper business. Maybe more than Michael Scott. And if you need to make staff cuts, wouldn't it be alot easier if you hired Jay back? He doesn't need coworkers. As a matter of fact, he hates them!

In his own words, "other reporters are jealous of him." No surprise, even this guy is jealous of him. And we all know how well things are going for him. He got beat out by this guy.

As Michael Cooke, your boss, said, "We wish Jay well and will miss him...," and he later said, "...stars come and go...". Or in this case... go and come back?

He may or may not have made those statements in a different context...

Please do not just consider bring Jay, do it. I can't take the sound of his actual voice anymore (or physical appearance). Plus, it gets in the way of looking at Stat Boy. He's so handsome.

Yours truly (and Jay's only TRUE fan... only fan at all probably),

Orel Kornheiser

P.S. If Jay doesn't answer your call, it's because phones are passé. Just leave a comment on his blog. He's probably still locked in a hotel room with a Chinese gymnast right now anyways. I think he adopted her, he's a stepdad (the weird kind, like Woody Allen). He LOVES Beijing!