View from the Sideline: Rex Grossman

I was walking around the Bears' sideline during last Sunday's game. I had my Talkboy handy and was scribbling notes. I paid special attention to Rex Grossman, and here are some notable observations. And yes, I can read Sexy Rexy's mind.


Pregame

Rex Grossman: Hey bro don’t be nervous out there. No matter what happens, the team's got your back.

Kyle Orton: Thanks man. Honestly I don’t feel too nervous; I’m just anxious.

Rex Grossman: Yeah yeah. Just perform like you did in the 2002 Orange Bowl. You had nerves of steel that game. It was awesome. Weren’t you like 20-28 for 248 yards with 4 TDs and no interceptions?

Kyle Orton: No I wasn’t really playing much in the '01 season. You must be confusing me with someone else.

Rex Grossman: Hmm? Hmm? Who could that be? (Lovie Smith walks by... Rex speaks loudly in hopes of getting his attention) Oh you’re right Kyle, that was I who completed 71.4% of his passes with 4 TDs in the 2002 Orange Bowl game!!

Lovie Smith: (Talking to Orton) You feeling good Kyle? We’re gonna need a strong performance from you, but we’ve got confidence in you. That’s why we named you the starter. (A slow tear can be seen rolling down the cheek of Grossman)

Rex Grossman: Yeah K.O.. Just another game; not like that 2004 Wisconsin Game where a “small” fumble can cost you the entire season and any possibility of winning the Heisman. So just go out there and have fun. Speaking of gutty performances, Coach, want some game film from 2002 Orange Bowl? (Lovie pats Rex’s head, politely smiles and walks away)

1st Quarter

Rex Grossman: (Rex thinking to himself) Alright, you know what, screw this. The team needs me! I just gotta stand here on the sidelines, support my team, read the defensive formations, study this playbook, and (shocked and amazed he yells) HOLY SHIT THIS ROOF OPENS?!?!?! This stadium is sick, huh Brian? (Urlacher shakes head and walks away)…(5 seconds of silence) YO LANCE, YOU SEE THIS ROOF?!?!?!

2nd Quarter

Rex Grossman: (Talking to Greg Olsen after the Bears' defense forces a safety) OH YEAH!! What a surprise the defense has to bail Orton out AGAIN.

Greg Olsen: We were winning before the safety, and Orton’s actually having a pretty good game.

Rex Grossman: Well yeah, anybody can rock it against the Colts. Trust me I know. I played them in a little game called THE SUPER BOWL!!

Greg Olsen: Uh-huh. Well hey, I’m gonna go get my ankles taped.

Rex Grossman: A-ight brudda. We’ll gab later. Peace in the Middle East!! (Rex thinks his parting words are topical, and can't hide his arrogant grin)

Halftime

(Rex is clearly terrified that people have forgotten he is on the team and that he had an AMAZING Orange Bowl performance. He frantically pours Jack Daniels into Orton’s water bottles thinking this will harm his performance in the 2nd half. This is an error in judgment on Grossman’s behalf. What spinach is to Popeye; Jack Daniels is to Orton)

3rd Quarter

(Rex is awoken from his nap to the sound of his sideline celebrating. He squints and sees Lance Briggs scoring a Touchdown. He makes direct eye-contact with an elated Orton, and with an emotionless face, he gives him the finger and then goes back to sleep)

4th Quarter

Rex Grossman: (Talking on cell phone to Steve Spurrier)…No Ballcoach, it was 4 TDs, not 3. Yeah, I agree “SEC is the place to be.” We used to run the train on them bitches, huh Coach?

Steve Spurrier: (Via cell phone) We sure did Danny.

Rex Grossman: Danny? Who the hell's Danny?

Steve Spurrier: Isn’t this Danny Wuerffel??

Rex Grossman: What the dick is a danny wuerfell?!?!? (A dejected Rex launches his phone to the ground – a perfect spiral – and hangs his head in shame...)


Game Over