A Day In The Life: Shawn Marion

With the Miami Heat's training camp officially in session, it's time to check back in with forward Shawn Marion. The Heat had a nice offseason highlighted by their selection of Michael Beasley in the draft. The press is talking about how the Heat will do with their 1-2 punch of Dwayne Wade and Beasley; seems that don't sit too well with Mr. Marion. A Day In The Life of Shawn Marion... ENJOY.

6:30 A.M.–"When one-on-one you can't hold me if your last name was Wade
Only way you wear me out is stitch my name on your pants
I.. am.. number one - no matter if you like it
What does it take to be number one?
Two is not a winner and three nobody remembers"
Every morning, me rapping a song called "Number One" is what I wake up to when my gAlarm goes off. I love to rap, and I'm the best at it to be humble and honest. Some of my friends, I have sooo many (more than you), try to say I stole that song from Nelly, but my version is totally different and better. a) Nelly is not number one, I am and b) the first line of his song says "if your last name was Haynes." I remixed mine to Wade a few months back. It used to say Nash and Stoudamire.

7:30 A.M. – Dwyane Wade is still in bed when I arrive at the gym and videotape myself shooting 701 threes. Reggie Miller practiced 700 shots a day, and everyone said he was the best. Wrong. I'll watch them later to check out my form. Plus it's fun. I'll put the videos online for you all to buy at some point in the future. So check out my site. Everyday. It's awesome. Yesterday it got 34,238 page views, two IPs! Quite Frankly, Stephen A. loves it and Bill Walton get high and visits it all the time, hehe.

9:30 A.M. – Stopped by Riley's office for contract negotiations. He tried to lowball me with a "final offer" of $11 million per for 3 seasons. That pity shit wouldn't even cover my car insurance payments. Riles is smart, but I'm smarter. The smartest in fact. I called his bluff and demanded $35 million a year for 15 seasons. I know negotiations. When we meet in the middle, I'll end up getting $23 million for 9 seasons. Hopefully we won't have the cap room to resign D-Wade. We don't need him, we got Matrix.

11:15 A.M. – I get Frank Caliendo's number and pay him to call Steve Kerr pretending to be Riley and offer me to the Suns for Nash and Stoudamire. I'd have made the call myself, my impressions are better than Caliendo's (you should hear my Allen Iverson... PRACTISS PRACTISSSS PRACTISSSSSS MAN! WE TALKIN BOUT PRACTICE hahaha LOLZ, PRACTISSSSSSSS), but I'd have busted out laughing when Kerr accepted immediately. Which he didn't for some reason. He must've known it was a prank, because he replied, "Is this a fuckin' joke? and hung up."I didn't end up paying Caliendo. And John Paxson was better than Kerr on the Bulls.

12:30 P.M. – I go to lunch... alone... again... No one ever wants to go with me?!?!? Can you believe that? Me neither. Sigh. Probably cause I'm such a good eater. The best in fact. Anyways I go get some chicken wings and try to break my world record. Again. Joey Chestnut supposedly holds the record with 7.05 pounds in 12 minutes. I eat 15 pounds in 12 minutes. I did, I swear. And I'm still not full.

2:35 P.M. – Add another entry to my name in Urban Dictionary. And thumbs them all up again.

3:00 P.M. – Back to the Heat facilities. I keep my head low as I pull in so all the paparazzi can't get a photo of me. I don't see any around as I walk in, but you never know. Us stars can never be too careful.

3:30 P.M. – I walk into the gym and see Wade shooting. I tell him he should be practicing his passing, I'll do the scoring.

4:00 P.M. – I go find the rook and tell him I brought the wrong pair of socks to practice and make him drive to my house to get the ones I like. Fuckin' rookies. I tell him not to lock himself in my bathroom when he's there... LOLZ!

4:30 P.M. – Practice starts and Coach Spo wants to know where Beasley went. I don't say anything...

6:00 P.M. – Suicides to end practice. I beat Wade (OBVIOUSLY) which is weird, because I thought his nickname was Flash. How weak is that? I'm The Matrix. I'm sorry, I don't remember... Did Flash have two sequels? Did its trilogy gross over $1 billion? Did it single-handedly revive Keanu Reeves's career? Thought not. Merkin.

7:00 P.M. – I drive to dinner at the flashiest restaurant in town. No reservation, just walk in. They've never heard of me, tell me I can't have a table and ask me to never come back... That's cool, I doubt they'd have let Wade in the door.

8:00 P.M. – I start a Heat franchise on NBA Live. First, I sign myself to a max-level contract extension. Then, I trade Wade and Beasley for Tyson Chandler, so I have someone to rebound for me this year. Finally, I earn enough credits to unlock and sign John Stockton to pass to me.

3:30 A.M. – Still playing NBA Live. 60 games into the season, I'm averaging 74 points and 32 rebounds a game. My team is 13-47 because my teammates suck. But I'm finally and unquestionably THE ONE. Just like Neo in The Matrix. :)



(Entirely made-up. And fictional... as far as we know)