What You Say? Hit the Road Roger, Don't You Come Back

Daaaammmmnnnneeeeet! I thought you were already gone! What the hell! Seriously Roger, you're not going to rule out a return?!?

"I don't know if I will ever say no. I would have to know that I could perform at a high level and that my body would be able to hold up," Clemens told a Houston radio station Wednesday.

Well, I'll just go push your career into its grave and kick some dirt up on it:

You didn't perform at a high level last time you played; in fact, you were a .500 pitcher with an ERA over 11 in the playoffs. And that body that so famously survived all of its military-style, grueling workouts? Turns out steroids helped you tear through that extra rep, burn those last few muscle fibers, and put you back together in time for the next day. Oh, right... you're denying you took steroids. So did Sammy Sosa, Miguel Tejada, and Brady Anderson. When we knew they were clear, they played up to their age. How many clean 47-year-old pitchers have performed at a "high level" in the major leagues? Satchel Paige. He pitched without fielders. You never could.

Don't come back Roger. I'm pretty sure you'd suck, I'm thinking no one would even want you, I'm positive there isn't anyone that would pay you $6 million a month, and I bet the Astros wish they hadn't signed you to that personal services contract. So you can't come back. If you did, you'd play like a 47-year-old. And Houston would really like you to go ahead and get the clock ticking on that long-term services contract. Go then. The sooner the better.