A Guide to the NFL For Women (Part 2)

Part 1 Here

Since revealing the details of my formerly torturous football deprived ex-relationship in an emotional piece a few months ago, some readers are calling the article's content into disrepute. Who dare challenge the word of this unemployed, hack, anonymous blogger? Erm, his ex-girlfriend. This just in... she claims to still hate football (I never knew, she claims to have told me many times.). Yes, she says that, "MAYBE IF MY HACK, ANONYMOUS BLOGGER EX-BOYFRIEND LISTENED TO ME MORE, I COULD'VE LEARNED TO LIKE IT THIS FALL!" Alas, let's not get into what-ifs, he-says-she-says, and listening to the opinion of women. Let's just transition into Billynho's Guide to the NFL For Women (Part 2). (Iuns will deliver her side later; but she's more eager than any woman for the rest of this series.)

"Damnet B! You said the DEFENSE was supposed to tackle the offense!? Hmpf! Looks to me like Ohio State's running back keeps knocking down Purdue's defenders." -Billynho's ex-girlfriend, 10/6/07, expressing her frustration at watching Ohio State's running back Beanie Wells go BEAST MODE on Purdue.

Defensive Tackle: Marked "DL" in the picture above (but more commonly referred to as DT's), defensive tackles primarily serve to eat up space at the line of scrimmage. In most instances, the biggest and strongest are the best; speed is of little value, except at the dinner table. The top defensive tackles in the NFL command the attention of two offensive linemen (and even more servings of food), which theoretically frees up their defensive linemates to wreak havoc on the offense. The majority of NFL teams play two defensive tackles at a time, but a handful use just one.
Good Examples: Ted Washington, Vin "Second Helping Taker" Baker (if he played football instead of basketball), Warren Sapp, Refrigerator Perry, Sally Struthers
Bad Examples: Steve Emtman, Nicole Richie, The People of Kenya
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "Honey, if Tony Siragusa was an incontinent, I bet he'd still weigh three times more than me! I'm pretty sure I'd be incontinent I had the ball and was playing against Bob Sanders."

Defensive End: The main duty of defensive ends is to contain the run on the outside and rush the quarterback (DE). They'll spin around, club, or bull their way through the offensive tackle to get there every play. Explosiveness, size, and strength are required. If you can't apply pressure on the quarterback, it allows receivers lots of time to get open and makes it hard on your secondary. The elite defensive ends make over 10 sacks a year. The New Orleans Saints have about half that many as a team this season I think.
Good Examples: Jared Allen, Reggie White, Bruce Smith, Julius Peppers, Jevon Kearse as a rookie
Bad Examples: Andre Wadsworth, Jevon Kearse when he wasn't a rookie
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "I'd rather have Dwight Freeney spin into me ten times than run into a motionless Bob Sanders once."

Linebacker: Linebackers are pegged as either inside, strongside, or weakside, but none of the three is really demonstrably better than the others. The inside (middle) linebacker calls the defense's plays and is usually a tough guy. The outside backers guard tight ends and rush the quarterback on blitzes. They usually make the most tackles and are utter badasses (like Bob Sanders).
Good Examples: Brian Urlacher, Bobby Bouche, Ray Lewis, Former Purdue Defensive Ends, Barrett Ruud (or so I'm told during every Bucs game), old white guys on the Patriots
Bad Examples: The Boz, Willie Williams, Napoleon Harris
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "OMG! I just had the greatest idea! How sick would Bob Sanders be if he played linebacker for the Colts!?!?! Wouldn't it be so beautiful? (tear at the thought)"

Cornerback: Cornerbacks cover wide receivers and try to prevent them from catching the ball. Most can't do it. The best-of-the-best make it virtually impossible for receivers to catch a pass thrown their way and essentially seal off their side of the field. The worst can undermine a team of Pro Bowlers by themselves. None of them have a prayer against Randy Moss.
Good Examples: Neon Deion Sanders, Champ Bailey, Ronde Barber, Cortland Finnegan, Rod Woodson
Bad Examples: Quentin Jammer, Tracy Porter
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "Shit. When Pacman gets locked up again, who am I supposed to go to Vegas with?"

Safety: Safeties are hard-hitting, intense dudes with SMS who wish they were big. They're fast, pretty good in coverage, and love to lead with their helmet when wide receivers are in the air. They stand the farthest from the line of scrimmage before the play. If the offense makes a big play, they're probably to blame. But they'll still act like hard asses when they come off the field.
Good Examples: Bob Sanders, Rod Woodson, Bob Sanders, Ed Reed, Bob Sanders
Bad Examples: Roy Williams, Adam Archuleta
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "No EFFING way! No. That was impossible. I don't believe it happened. How the EFF did Bob Sanders fight off six blockers to single-handedly solo tackle Jerome Bettis six yards deep in the backfield on fourth-and-one to win the game. I love him. I love Bob Sanders. It's over between me and you, whatever your name was, because I'm leaving you... for Bob Sanders."