Alex Rodriguez Should Retire

My initial reaction to hearing that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids years ago was, "Oh well, he's still my second favorite player all-time behind Sammy Sosa."

But after listening to how pathetic, butthurt, and personally offended the rest of the world seems to be by the fact that Rodriguez took steroids when they weren't illegal in baseball, I've got advice for A-Rod.

Retire.

If we were to do an old-fashioned pros and cons checklist about the decision, the list is overwhelmingly stacked with pros.

Pros:
Already rich
Won't have to be around Jeter
Already hated, now it'll be so much worse
You'll be able to enjoy October for once
The paparazzi will let you buy hookers and strippers in peace
No more steroids tests
You can play shortstop again for any Sunday League team in the country


Cons:
$250 million (that you don't need, but you'll be reminded of constantly)
You'll miss out on records (that'll be astericked anyways)
You've never won a World Series (you're A-Rod, so you probably wouldn't anyways)
Billynho would miss you (but sadly, no one else would)


I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner, and most people will probably think I'm joking. But if I were Alex Rodriguez, I'd retire. It's a no-brainer. Which is good since the steroids may have cooked the ones he had.