ALERT: Kornheiser's Cartel on MySpace

CHECK OUT OUR MYSPACE

We've got music, and, and videos, and a profile... and all kinds of stuff that TRUE Kornheiser's Cartelians need to check out. Real fans only.

I don't know, maybe you should come add us... then, when we confirm (we'll probably hire an intern to handle that bullshit, so not actually "we" but somebody will confirm, we promise)... post on our wall... maybe something like:

"thx 4 tha add homey! i luv luv LOVE ur blog so much... i sometymz stay home on tha weekends and just refresh dat shit all nite u kno bc omg u just rock, especially dat Billynho... and The Siets, he's not bad either, but i heard he like likes Johnny Cash and Nicholas Cage movies, so he's so so not my type 'n shit, ya know? but rite hurr r muh digits, call the cell baby, okay? okay!? okay. buh-bye. u better call! mwah"

Yeah, that'd be good. That's how MySpace works right? We're gonna get, like, soooo much new traffic OMG, LOL!

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View from the Sideline: Rex Grossman

I was walking around the Bears' sideline during last Sunday's game. I had my Talkboy handy and was scribbling notes. I paid special attention to Rex Grossman, and here are some notable observations. And yes, I can read Sexy Rexy's mind.


Pregame

Rex Grossman: Hey bro don’t be nervous out there. No matter what happens, the team's got your back.

Kyle Orton: Thanks man. Honestly I don’t feel too nervous; I’m just anxious.

Rex Grossman: Yeah yeah. Just perform like you did in the 2002 Orange Bowl. You had nerves of steel that game. It was awesome. Weren’t you like 20-28 for 248 yards with 4 TDs and no interceptions?

Kyle Orton: No I wasn’t really playing much in the '01 season. You must be confusing me with someone else.

Rex Grossman: Hmm? Hmm? Who could that be? (Lovie Smith walks by... Rex speaks loudly in hopes of getting his attention) Oh you’re right Kyle, that was I who completed 71.4% of his passes with 4 TDs in the 2002 Orange Bowl game!!

Lovie Smith: (Talking to Orton) You feeling good Kyle? We’re gonna need a strong performance from you, but we’ve got confidence in you. That’s why we named you the starter. (A slow tear can be seen rolling down the cheek of Grossman)

Rex Grossman: Yeah K.O.. Just another game; not like that 2004 Wisconsin Game where a “small” fumble can cost you the entire season and any possibility of winning the Heisman. So just go out there and have fun. Speaking of gutty performances, Coach, want some game film from 2002 Orange Bowl? (Lovie pats Rex’s head, politely smiles and walks away)

1st Quarter

Rex Grossman: (Rex thinking to himself) Alright, you know what, screw this. The team needs me! I just gotta stand here on the sidelines, support my team, read the defensive formations, study this playbook, and (shocked and amazed he yells) HOLY SHIT THIS ROOF OPENS?!?!?! This stadium is sick, huh Brian? (Urlacher shakes head and walks away)…(5 seconds of silence) YO LANCE, YOU SEE THIS ROOF?!?!?!

2nd Quarter

Rex Grossman: (Talking to Greg Olsen after the Bears' defense forces a safety) OH YEAH!! What a surprise the defense has to bail Orton out AGAIN.

Greg Olsen: We were winning before the safety, and Orton’s actually having a pretty good game.

Rex Grossman: Well yeah, anybody can rock it against the Colts. Trust me I know. I played them in a little game called THE SUPER BOWL!!

Greg Olsen: Uh-huh. Well hey, I’m gonna go get my ankles taped.

Rex Grossman: A-ight brudda. We’ll gab later. Peace in the Middle East!! (Rex thinks his parting words are topical, and can't hide his arrogant grin)

Halftime

(Rex is clearly terrified that people have forgotten he is on the team and that he had an AMAZING Orange Bowl performance. He frantically pours Jack Daniels into Orton’s water bottles thinking this will harm his performance in the 2nd half. This is an error in judgment on Grossman’s behalf. What spinach is to Popeye; Jack Daniels is to Orton)

3rd Quarter

(Rex is awoken from his nap to the sound of his sideline celebrating. He squints and sees Lance Briggs scoring a Touchdown. He makes direct eye-contact with an elated Orton, and with an emotionless face, he gives him the finger and then goes back to sleep)

4th Quarter

Rex Grossman: (Talking on cell phone to Steve Spurrier)…No Ballcoach, it was 4 TDs, not 3. Yeah, I agree “SEC is the place to be.” We used to run the train on them bitches, huh Coach?

Steve Spurrier: (Via cell phone) We sure did Danny.

Rex Grossman: Danny? Who the hell's Danny?

Steve Spurrier: Isn’t this Danny Wuerffel??

Rex Grossman: What the dick is a danny wuerfell?!?!? (A dejected Rex launches his phone to the ground – a perfect spiral – and hangs his head in shame...)


Game Over

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A Day In The Life: Jimmy Clausen

After Jimmy Clausen’s “impressive” victory over a “talented” SDSU, I decided we should take a look at the diary of the boy with the golden arm. With inspiration from Billynho, I present you with A Day in the Life: James Richard Clausen. ENJOY.

9:30 A.M. – I arise from my slumber to the sound of my bitchin cell phone’s text alert (Alanis Morisette’s “You Live, You Learn”). Sweet, my bros Ricky and Casey sent me a text. First text, “I heard mom and dad crying last night…I assume that’s influenced by you” – Case. This don’t phase me, I’m J-Claw and what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Next message from Ricky, “Hey bro-fo can I chillax at your place for a while mom and dad are acting hella stoopid” – R.C.

10:00 A.M. – Hop out the shower and run a comb through my blonde locks. 500 strokes to be exact.

10:30 A.M. – Call Evan Sharpley and pretend to be Chuck Weis. Tell him he has been awarded the starting role for Saturday’s game. Sharpley gets all stoked like the chode he is. I let the act go on and right before I hang up I yell “PSYCHE” and slam the celly shut. I know that lil bitch is crying right now and his tears are the fuel to my body. :)

11:15 A.M. – Meet Coach Weis at Fazolis for some midday grub. He talks about football stuff and I just nod and smile, but honestly all I can think about is drinking some brews with my boyz. Coach thinks I don’t notice, but I see him grabbing breadsticks off my plate; I don’t mind; I’d do anything to make him smile.

12:00 P.M. – Coach and I head back to his place to watch some game film. His daughter is obsessed with me, typical girl. It’s cool though cuz we got matching haircuts. I sit on coach’s lap/fupa and we dissect the SDSU game, which was a VICTORY!!!! (LoL Johnny Drama LOL)

2:00 P.M. – Some of my teammates like to watch Michigan’s game film to help prepare for the upcoming match. I think that’s bogus. I just play some NCAA 09 on the 360. The outcome of the game is Notre Dame 56 Michigan 10. I ran for 187 yards and was 40-47 for 472 yards. This game is gonna be hella easy.

4:00 P.M. – I head up to the gym and do the same workout that Brady Quinn does. That bro has got a smokin bod – no homo.

7:00 P.M. – I’m ready to get my drink on!!!!!!!! I call up my buds, nobody’s answering... they must not have good service or something. I go on facebook and check out my man Golden Tate’s page. From his recent activities I see that he is attending a “Golf Pros and Tennis Hoes Party at Turtle Creek Apartments” I jot down the address, grab a bottle of Boonesfarm, and hightail it to this shindig.

8:00 P.M. – I’m hilarious, so to keep my funny-man reputation I decided to dress up as a Tennis Hoe. (LOL WTF am I thinking) Everybody loves it. When I walk in the door they all point at me and laugh for like 15 minutes. Some people love my costume so much they threw tennis balls at me, but they did throw them kinda hard, but once again it don’t phase me I’m J-Claw.

10:00 P.M. – This party blooooows. Nobody’s taking pics of me and the bros don’t wanna do body shots. I think I’m gonna head out of this party.

10:30 P.M. – “Honey I’m home!!!!” JK I live alone (HAHA) :( I decide I’m about ready to call it a night cuz I got school tomorrow YUCK (LoL) but first I polish off my High School State Championship rings.
11:00 P.M. – Hop into my racecar bed pull my leprechaun blankets up to my chin and rest my sweet lil head on my pillow. Goodnight “friends”.

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An American Tail: Fievel Goes East

America's newest sweetheart is Shawn Johnson and shawty can hop, but one can't help but notice the striking similarities of the aerobatic heroine to the heroic cartoon mouse that is Fievel Mousekewitz.

The similarities don't stop at the appearances of the two.

Check out this description of Mousekewitz from Wikipedia. "Fievel is modeled on a curious, hyperactive and seemingly fearless [boy], darting through unfamiliar places and tackling cats head on...separated from his family [Fievel] becomes a very scared and lost child in a strange land, given hope and encouragement by the friends [he] meets on his search."

I know, my jaw dropped too at how unbelievable these resemblances are. These Olympics reek..............of destiny.

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