Michael Phelps Needs to Control His Anger

I knew something was fishy when Phelps won the 100m Butterfly. What a poor sport!

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Never before seen video of Nastia Liukin!

A never before seen video of Nastia Liukin competing in Beijing has just surfaced on the internet.

We here at the Cartel wanted to be the first to break it to the world:

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Chinese Gymnasts Investigation

With all this talk about the Chinese gymnasts finally being investigated for being too young, the Norwegian horses suspended for doping, and the U.S. relay teams being disqualified for dropping the batons, and Andre getting his headphones taken off because he's pitching too good...

I just have to know.

Would Ariel, assuming she stayed on land with her one true love, be eligible for the Olympics? She would HAVE to be a better swimmer than any human, right?

How many Gold Medals does she get if Michael Phelps gets eight? 10, 12, 20? How many are there? What nation would she swim for? Would she choose some country with ZERO swimming tradition just to humor herself? Would she get fat if she had to spend so much time on land and not having to exercise every time she moved? Would she think Tom Hanks could really attract a mermaid?

These are pressing questions that I wish Disney would answer. I smell a Little Mermaid VI!!!

Editor's Note: Do NOT look up "Little Mermaid on land" unless you want to be blasted with pictures of a naked cartoon Ariel, but if you do...I highly suggest it.

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An American Tail: Fievel Goes East

America's newest sweetheart is Shawn Johnson and shawty can hop, but one can't help but notice the striking similarities of the aerobatic heroine to the heroic cartoon mouse that is Fievel Mousekewitz.

The similarities don't stop at the appearances of the two.

Check out this description of Mousekewitz from Wikipedia. "Fievel is modeled on a curious, hyperactive and seemingly fearless [boy], darting through unfamiliar places and tackling cats head on...separated from his family [Fievel] becomes a very scared and lost child in a strange land, given hope and encouragement by the friends [he] meets on his search."

I know, my jaw dropped too at how unbelievable these resemblances are. These Olympics reek..............of destiny.

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Chinese Gymnasts

Why thanks Billy B. for the plugs when talking about googling underage chicks. That should look great on my eHarmony.com profile (It really might!). Anyways my real concern with the gymnastics coverage is how they did not touch upon how young the Chinese gymnasts really were (Don't get any ideas Costas!!!).

I mean, I may have coached those girls' older brothers on the 10-and-under soccer team that I coached this spring, but the age of those girls competing in the Olympics is not the issue with me... although the rule clearly states that the minimum age for competing gymnasts is 15 (and turning 16 in that calendar year). And there is no way that the little mama in the diapers could even ride my tandem bike with me!

No, my real issue is...how the hell did those girls get off work long enough to compete?

My whole life I have been told and reminded of how kids in China have to work 19 hour days and that I am lucky that I have baked potatoes on my plate every meal. My problem with that logic is, those girls were not working in the "sweatshops", if they even exist...and baked potatoes suck.
How am I supposed to keep up my image as a "fly guy" if the best workers in these factories are taking the week off to galavant around a mat and look like the sun is shining in their eyes the entire time. So you are not used to a well-lit workplace...SO WHAT? Eat some more vitamin-A and get over it.

AND your failure to place a gymnast gold or silver...was the 75% drop in production for your country for the week worth it? I hope so.

Anyways, one more thought before I end my night and go rest my wrist on a razor...how, with all our colleges and universities in the United States, did we get stuck with the shittiest "analysts" and "broadcasters" in the entire world? I mean, I would rather listen to Harry Caray's dead body expel stored gas on a telecast than here about how much of a distraction Tony Romo dating Jessica Simpson is to the Cowboys. Seriously? His teammates wouldn't get on that too? No? Alright well off to "shave" my arm.

As always, ESPN sucks.

Orel "the Bulldog" Kornheiser

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Nastia Liukin Has a Fivehead

As soon as the women's gymnastics all-around ended tonight, I immediately ran to the computer. Not to google "Shawn Johnson nude" (Orel Kornheiser told me not to bother, jkkkkkk... well he did, but I wasn't interested anyways I swear!), but to google "Nastia Liukin fivehead."

After receiving confirmation that I was indeed the world's first to notice the abnormally large space between eyebrows and hairline of the (otherwise pretty smokin') gold medalist, I scolded myself for being so judgmental.

Then I decided to air a few more gripes I had while watching tonight (which will confirm that my revelation has yet to truly sink in):

Bela Karolyi is extremely biased towards the American gymnasts.

Speaking of biased, I hate Bob Costas and dream him catching Bronchitis from the smog in China.

Speaking of China, did anyone else think the Romanian gymnast's make-up made her look Chinese? Orel and I were both thinking it at the same time.

Speaking of thinking, shouldn't the fat Russian in the white jumpsuit have done more of it this morning and worn vertical stripes?

Speaking of fat (but not really), Shawn Johnson's booty could probably land her in some rap videos when she gets older. We hope so, at least.

Speaking of aging, what do gymnasts do when their career is done?

Speaking of done, I'm sure most readers were with this post three insults ago.

I'm pretty disgusted with myself, too, and out of here.

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Webb, Distance Running Fans Need to Focus on Positives

Hyperbole and hysteria dominated the milieu of LetsRun.com's World Famous Message Board following the failure of everyone's favorite American-born miler's effort to make the US Olympic Team.

Having buried myself in the negativity—and ignored rational explanations in Webb's defense—I've been able to piece together a typical day in the life of Alan Webb in the build-up to his greatest failure, as told by the his numerous critics that dance on his every defeat.

11:30 A.M: Roll out of bed.

11:35 A.M: Swallow Propecia tablet. Pre Classic coming up. Take second pill. Time to step it up for the cameras.

11:45 A.M: Roll into McDonald's parking lot. Curse luck at once again missing breakfast hours. Order two Big Macs, two large fries, and 44 oz. Coke. Ask cashier to Supersize it. Curse when informed McDonald's no longer supersizes. Order extra Big Mac to make up for it. Remember that Olympic Trials are in a little over a month. Think to self that three Big Macs may be excessive. Order double-cheeseburger instead.

12:30 P.M: Base building. 15 miles at 5:20 pace.

2:00 P.M: Ask Scotty why message boarders think he's doing too much strength work. Nod gullibly when Scotty blames it on Warhurst.

2:15 P.M: Biceps day. Again. Just like yesterday. And the day before. Admire guns. Practice intense face to be unleashed after prelims win.

3:00 P.M: Order Kung Pao Chicken. Send back when not greasy enough. Smile as bowl is returned drenched in grease. Order seconds.

3:30 P.M: Call Rupp to talk tactics. Agree to only run races with rabbits. Congratulate Galen on time trial win yesterday. Remind Galen that, no, you don't want to sleep over in his altitude tent in Phil Knight's basement. And, no, you don't need to borrow any Breathe Right strips. Tell Rupp you haven't been on message boards today.

3:45 P.M: Check LetsRun message boards for 12th time today.

3:50 P.M: Send Lagat text message, "How's my FAVrit Keny~ er, American miler doin? Just chekkN to C if U got my texts last few days/weeks/months? I'm tellin U man. U got 2 take out the Oly Trials Final faaast. Make it a time trial. U n me. 3:32 or faster! Leo n Lopez can kick, but they can't TT!"

4:00 P.M: Instant message Ritz to make fun of this picture. Giggle when he sends back this picture. Agree that Rupp is a time trialing big race bottler. And totally gay!

4:15 P.M: Base building. 10 miles at 5:00 pace. Not going to peak too early this year. No speed work until July. Training right through the trials.

5:30 P.M: Biceps. Pre Classic coming up. Means two-a-days. Time to step it up for the cameras.

6:00 P.M: Take call from reporter. Make confused frowny face when asked if you are overtraining.

6:30 P.M: Check phone hopefully to see if Lagat replied to text message.

6:35 P.M: Think about eating a salad. Whimper. Go to Five Guys Burgers and Fries with Scotty! Ask Scotty how come message boarders think he needs a new coach. Nod gullibly when Scotty blames it on Warhurst.

7:30 P.M: Check phone hopefully to see if Lagat replied to text message. Frown when only message is from Rupp. Tell him for the last time that you don't want to use his underwater treadmill.

8:00 P.M: Attend Hair Club for Men meeting.

8:30 P.M: Start LetsRun thread encouraging Jeremy Wariner to move up in distance. Snicker.

9:00 P.M: Talk training with Scotty. Nod gullibly when Scotty tells you to run New York City Marathon. Just to build up endurance. Ask how come you keep running long races. You're a miler, you say! Nod gullibly when Scotty blames it on Warhurst.

10:00 P.M: Ice cream! Warhurst never let you eat ice cream…

10:30 P.M: Beers in South Lakes High School parking lot. Tell self that you'll never leave. No matter what they say.

11:30 P.M: Check phone hopefully to see if Lagat replied to text message.

12:00 A.M: Tell self that you will make McDonald's breakfast on time tomorrow. Sleep.

Being an optimist—and an unabashed fan of the hair-follically challenged runner—I intend to dispel the doom-and-gloom and point out the lunacy in depicting Webb as an existentialist disappointment lacking devotion to the pursuit of fulfilled potential and world records.

Rewind just over 10 months to Osaka where Webb entered the 2007 World Championships on the heels of a victory over Bernard Lagat for the US Championship; hopes were high, but haters espousing predictions of another flame-out weren't hard to find.

Their prognostications proved prescient when Webb finished eighth (when it apparently would've been easier to finish first, at least according to those on the boards).

His year's impressive achievements (3:46.91AR mile win, 3:30.52 1500 meters win, 1:43.84 800 meters win) were deemed worthless.

It seemed that Webb and his coach Scott Raczko responded to the critics with real adjustments in 2008, determined not to peak too early once again. We all know what happened, so a quick recap will suffice:

They supposedly attempted to be patient and not force Webb into race shape too early in the season. Unfortunately, his muted performance at the Pre Classic sounded the alarms that the duo may have got it wrong once again.

He entered the Olympic Trials ranked fifth in the 1500 meter rankings by LetsRun and finished in the same position. 2008 was a terrible year on the track for Alan Webb.

His performance has raised multitudinous questions. I'll try to answer some of the more loudly voiced ones posed by typical LetsRun.com posters:

No way the 1500/mile is the best event for Alan Webb, I mean, he hasn't even won a gold medal or broken a world record yet. And he's already 25. He clearly sucks. And the dude has no race tactics. Shouldn't he move up?

The subject of three threads a day for the last six years (more on days when Webb runs), the answer is an emphatic no.

While his range is extraordinary and incomparable today (he's oft-compared to Olympic champion Said Aouita historically), his times rank with the best in the world in the mile. He hasn't always been consistent, but his PR keeps dropping. He's won a host of US Championships and twice made the finals at Worlds. He became the American record-holder at age 24.

When he's on form, he's perhaps faster than anyone in the world over this distance today. That can't be said for him in any other event.

Hahaha! Nuh uh, whatever, Jason Rexing is faster in wooden clogs and a straitjacket while gurgling Kenenisa Bekele's next EPO injection in the back of his throat! But think about it, if Webb focused his training on the 5K or 10K his kick could carry him over the top… Couldn't it?

Gross. It's easy to understand why many are quick to promote a move to a longer distance. He's run respectable times, super-elite for an American, of 13:10.86 and 27:34.72 in efforts over 5K and 10K. If he trained exclusively for those events, he would undoubtedly see a drop in time.

The problem is that the 5K and 10K seem to be more tactical at the highest levels than the 1500. If Webb, with all of his experience in the 1500, still struggles to know when to start his drive for the finish line, how will he react to the teams of Ethiopians and Kenyans randomly throwing in surges to break him?

Bekele won the 2004 Olympics 10,000 meters in 27:05.11, almost 30 seconds below Webb's best. More notable is the fact that he ran the last lap of that race in 53.02 seconds. Does Webb even close 800 meter races that quickly?

Why are we even still talking about Webb!? He refuses to fire his high school coach! He eats fast food! He's not a cocky, intimidating jerk like a true champion! He clearly isn't dedicated to being great. Not like Pre was, eh?

Whether people are actually serious or not when ripping Webb for eating french fries every once in a while, it's hard to discern. But that may be the best thing about him. He's an every-man, he's blue-collar, he's humble, he seems genuinely nice, and he's just like us.

A few years back (I believe in 2004), an account that he brought a keg in the back of his truck to a small meet and drank afterwards with everyone was all over running message boards.

The biggest star in US distance running, having a beer with people who couldn't touch him on the track. Can you imagine Kobe Bryant or Michael Vick doing this? Would you even want to hang out with them?

As far as switching coaches, I don't think it's necessary. It would be one thing if his times weren't steadily improving, but they have been. Yes, his coach was unknown before Webb came along, but he is said to not be shy to question the cognoscenti of distance running. He didn't drive Webb to run a 3:46.91 mile on his own, and he likely listened to a lot of advice before changing gears in 2008.

The other problem with a change in coaches is that Webb may not adjust well initially to the new system. It happened when he ran for Michigan, and it took him two years to get back on track (pun unintended). At age 25, he can't really afford to have two more bad years. What purportedly little confidence he possesses would be non-existent.

I heard he broke up with his last girlfriend without the aid of Power Point. He's hopeless.

Maybe you're right, but I don't think so. I think if he sticks to what he has been doing and is patient, success will come again.

Getting a medal at either of the next two World Championships would be huge. He needs to shave 1.25 seconds off his 1500 meters PR to rank in the top-10 all-time. Those two goals are significant and achievable.

He also needs to continue to learn how to race. Runners can find the secret long after they run the times.

He need only look to Bernard Lagat for validation. Lagat had yet to win a medal at a major championship at age 25. He's been in contention constantly ever since and is a favorite to win the 1500 and 5K at the Olympics in Beijing.

Hey, why does Galen Rupp wear that thing on his nose?

Ah, back to normal.

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