Note: This site has no
affiliation whatsoever with Tony Kornheiser. Our name is simply an
homage to a great sportswriter.Please
read here for
more information.
Life in West Point can get lonely for a 23 year old male. Too young for the Lion's Club, too poor for the Steakhouse, and too healthy for the cemetery; there's just no place for me to make friends! So, the first thing I do every morning is read the J&C Personals. They haven't done me much good yet (I'm six rejections deep), but I have come across some interesting listings: LOST CONNECTION WLTR 38 Y.O. strict disciplinarian WINNER seeking to add depth back into his life. You were a tall, blond, nice, unselfish southpaw. I watched you grow up, we took bus trips, I yelled at you, we visited the Capital… then you left. Let's play ball (again)! Text MARTbrokIN to (555) NDS-UCKS
HARD-WORKING LITTLE DEVIL 18 Y.O. QB, W. Laf, wants to stay close to home. Seeking relationship with mustached authority figure. I'm smart, tough, I don't lose, and I'd look great in gold and black. Don't miss out on the next-Josh Smith! Text Matt Lancaster at (555) ILO-VEPU
YOU'RE MY MAN Shout out to my man Matt Painter. Tough going thus far this season, but I know you'll whip them into shape. Don't forget who brought you here. You're MY coach. Make me YOUR AD forever this offseason! How's $2.5 million a year sound? Let me know… Text Morgan Burke at (555) STA-Y@PU
I'M YOUR BEST HOPE You're the Kansan RB ranked first in the country. I'm the old, white guy with the backward Purdue cap stalking you the last few months. I want to buy you books and your own room (sorta), dress you up, watch you run, and see you off to the NFL. Let's make my your dreams come true? Text Bryce Brown to (555) PRT-YPLZ
In the words of Tom Lutz... Blimming Blim! After reading the 100th comment by a reader addressing "Tony" as a "morOn" or an "idiott" oblivious to the simple "obvius facks" about the sports world, I've simply had enough. I have to point out how brutally ironic it is. I have to.
1,000 spoons when all you need is a knife this is not, but for people to come onto a site that lists the writer names in multiple places (quite often in the body of the actual piece they are commenting on) and has a disclaimer that it is not Tony and wasting their time asserting in a misspelled mess of improperly used jargon that Tony is a moron for daring to suggest that Duke Robinson will still be on the board at number 30 in the first round when NOBODY could possibly know that because his fat ass could weigh in at 396 pounds at the NFL Combine is beyond ironic. I think.
Does anyone else see the irony in someone wasting 10 minutes violating basic writing conventions, murdering the Queen's English, and incorrectly addressing a statement to a blog over a matter of opinion?
Disagree if you must, but please provide a rebuttal in readable English and know who the hell you're addressing it to.
To the people who read this site regularly: Please take this as further evidence that it's a world of idiots, we're just living in it.
Not that it really matters anyway because we all went James Joyce and experienced the epiphany that the Chicago Cubs will never win the World Series years ago, but general manager Jim Hendry's moves/missed moves this offseason have made it all the more unlikely (if an event can become more unlikely than never?), and I really think it's time he BUGGERS OFF already, but I don't think he will because he recently got a contract extension, and the thought of it all resulted in the longest run-on sentence in Kornheiser's Cartel history.
The already bitter Cubs winter sent another chill up my spine with the news that the rumored Milton Bradley-to-the-Cubs deal was rumor no more. It's being reported across the Internet as a done deal at three years, $30 million.
I don't get it... The Cubs have been looking to add a left-handed power-hitter for years, and Bradley is a switch-hitter coming off a monster year in Texas when he hit .322 with 22 HR's and posted a .999 OPS. On the surface, the signing makes sense.
Dig a little deeper, though, and there is reason to worry.
Rangers Ballpark in Arlington is known as a hitter's heaven, and Bradley's home/away split stats suggest he lived in bliss in 2008. Of those 22 home runs, just six came on the road. Bradley hit .358 at home and just .298 on the road. In the last four seasons (the best of his career), Bradley's OPS has trended more towards .800 than 1.000.
Intangibles matter in baseball, too; Derek Jeter made more than $21 million in 2008 for a reason. Bradley is one of baseball's bad guys and seems to find trouble in every clubhouse he walks through. He's torn an ACL in an argument with an umpire. He was traded by Cleveland following a dust-up with manager Eric Wedge. He accused Jeff Kent of being racist (Kent does kind of look racist, but it's not something you go public with), and he tried to fight the Kansas City Royals television announcer last summer. He's a ticking time bomb that will surely bring the most negative attention Wrigley has seen since the Sammy Sosa bat corking incident in the next three years. In fact, it's highly unlikely he'll see out the three years in Chicago.
To sign Bradley, the Cubs cleared payroll by trading starter Jason Marquis and valuable utility-man Mark DeRosa. Marquis and DeRosa were the two big league Cubbies rumored to be involved in any move for Jake Peavy. It's easy to say the Cubs would be better off with Jake Peavy than Marquis and DeRosa. It's harder to make that case for Bradley.
For one thing, is Bradley even better than DeRosa? They've similar statistics, but DeRosa also offered incredible versatility. Add in the rotation depth offered by Marquis and the aforementioned problems that accompany Bradley into the clubhouse, and it may not have been worth the effort.
A smarter move may have been to sign Pat Burrell, who is not left-handed, but is a better hitter and cheaper at $16 million/2 years; Bobby Abreu, a durable, patient hitter who excelled in his last National League stint; or Adam Dunn, who has holes in his game, but was a Cubs trade target for a half-decade.
Outfield issues would be moot had Hendry acquired Peavy instead. A rotation of Peavy, Carlos Zambrano, Rich Harden, Ryan Dempster, and Ted Lilly would've been baseball's best hands down, if not enough to finally end the franchise's century-long search for another World Series.
Instead, Cubs fans are left with Sean Marshall every five days and Bradley every day.
That is, until, Bradley's next inevitable meltdown (in June, sparked when he sees Mike Fontenot and Kosuke Fukudome playing the Parker Brothers' classic Monopoly... Milton Bradley board games or bust) reveals this signing and roster reshuffle to be a spectacular disaster.
For those who aren't aware, the Calder Cup (not to be confused with the Calder Memorial Trophy) is awarded to the winner of AHL playoffs every season. Score some great Calder Cup Tickets and check it out...
No sport is better to watch live than hockey, so you probably don't want to miss its premier event either. Make sure you order some 2009 Stanley Cup Tickets, too.
I'll expand on this in a piece later, but I don't think it is mentioned often enough that it is actually a bit of a detriment to draft at the top of the NFL Draft. The top five picks are given contracts commensurate to those of the best players in the league at their position. If they're a bust (as they often are), they become cap-killers who set the franchise back. Give me two mid-first rounders over the top pick.
Alas, I still love the draft and waste too much time following it. Here's how the April 25 NFL Draft first round might play out:
1) Detroit Lions- OT Andre Smith. EFF, what don't they need? Conventional wisdom says that the Lions must take a quarterback with the top pick. What quarterback could emerge unscathed from that mess? They must get value out of the pick, and Smith is seen as a "can't miss" left tackle. While can't miss tackles do sometimes miss (Robert Gallery and Leonard Davis), they have a much better track record than underclassmen quarterbacks (Ryan Leaf, et al) in untenable situations. Take care of your left tackle position for the next ten years and go after Donovan McNabb, Matt Cassel, or even Matt Leinart in trades. The offense would be substantially better next season, and the Lions could focus on defense with their next first rounder and beyond.
2) St. Louis Rams- WR Michael Crabtree. It wasn't long ago that Rams' quarterbacks were treated to an embarrassment of riches at the skill positions. A look at their roster today reveals a stunning fall in the talent level. How bad? If Torry Holt and the Rams part ways this offseason as rumored, Donnie Avery and Dane Looker would be their top two returning wide receivers. Dane Looker! Marc Bulger has been effective in the NFL before, the Rams have made a huge financial commitment to him in recent years, and they should restock his cupboard and see if he can revive his career. Crabtree is a mega-talent in the mould of Larry Fitzgerald, Calvin Johnson, and Brandon Marshall. He's a safe pick for a team with the potential to rebound quickly.
3) Kansas City Chiefs- RB Chris Wells. With Larry Johnson's career in Kansas City about to come to a merciful end, the Chiefs have a gaping hole to be filled in the backfield. Many are projecting they'll take a quarterback here, but Tyler Thigpen acquitted himself quite well the last 10 games posting a 16:8 TD/INT ratio and providing a threat on the ground. Add a running back in Wells with the potential to be one of the best in the NFL, and the Chiefs may have their QB/RB duo for the next half-decade.
4) Seattle Seahawks- OT Michael Oher- The Seahawks could make a case for drafting a quarterback, but Seneca Wallace was excellent in extended playing time this season, and Matt Hasselbeck is a former Pro Bowler. There are many teams with worse situations at quarterback in the NFL. Their main needs are on the lines. They lack high-end talent at defensive tackle and need to infuse young talent at offensive tackle. Because it's hard to spot a defensive tackle worthy of a top-five pick, Oher is the guy. He possesses otherworldly athleticism for his size and can better protect whoever starts behind center. If Crabtree falls to No. 4, they'd have to consider him, too.
5) Cleveland Browns- OLB Aaron Curry. The Browns defense managed a measly 17 sacks in 2008 and taking the 2008 Butkus Award winner would go a long way towards turning the unit around. Their offense ranked 31st in points scored in 2008, but Ken Dorsey will do that to you. Curry made 15 tackles for loss from his outside linebacker position at Wake and is seen as an elite tackler and a potentially disrupting force.
6) Cincinnati Bengals- OT Eugene Monroe. Worst offense in the NFL this season, but the defense wasn't half bad considering they were constantly put in terrible situations. Clearly the pick has to be on offense. Carson Palmer will be back behind center in 2009, and they still have loads of talent at end. They desperately need a running back (Future CFL running back Cedric Benson ran the ball over 200 times for them this season), but with Wells off the board they'll maximize value and take a lineman. Some consider Monroe to be the best lineman in the draft.
7) Oakland Raiders- DE Brian Orakpo. Al Davis will probably trade this pick and his next four first rounders to move up to get Crabtree, but the Raiders must get stronger on the defensive line. They lack an elite pass rusher and are terrible against the run. Orakpo, college football's Nagurski winner, offers a freakish end rusher who won't get bullied around in the running game.
8) Jacksonville Jaguars- LB Rey Maualuga. Maualuga has been NFL-ready since he was 17 and the 10-time All American (or so it seems) will be an elite linebacker for the next decade in the league. He'll be a big tackler and an upgrade over Mike Peterson for a Jaguars team thin at linebacker.
9) Green Bay Packers- DE Michael Johnson. Johnson's blend of size and quickness is oft-compared to Dwight Freeney and Julius Peppers, and, while he isn't seen as a finished product, he'd be an excellent risk for a Packers team looking to beef up against the run. Johnson and Kampman will terrorize opposing quarterbacks for years and should combine to force opposing runners inside.
10) San Francisco 49ers- QB Sam Bradford. Shaun Hill wasn't bad in 2008, but it's time for the 49ers to establish an identity for their franchise. The Alex Smith pick is officially a bust, but they can't let that cloud their judgment moving forward. Bradford would be an unbelievable value at No. 10. His production and accuracy at Oklahoma rank with the best all-time. He may be ready to start from Week One his rookie season and has the potential to someday stand among the Peyton Mannings as the class of the NFL at the quarterback position. He'll probably go higher, but if he falls to San Francisco, they must take him... even though he looks a lot like Screech.
11) Buffalo Bills- OT Jason Smith Jason Peters gave up more sacks than any starting tackle in the NFL in 2008.
12) Denver Broncos- S Taylor Mays With Champ Bailey and Dre Bly at corner, it's hard to believe Denver was 26th against the pass in 2008.
13) Washington Redskin- LB James Laurinaitis Laurinaitis sounds like a disease, but for the Redskins he'd the antidote for an aging- but effective- defense.
14) New Orleans Saints- CB Malcolm Jenkins Saints fans long ago grew tired of watching their cornerbacks give up leads late in games. Jenkins has the talent to go much higher and might be atop the Saints draft board overall.
15) Houston Texans- DT BJ Raji Raji is seen as the top defensive tackle in this draft and would be the third tackle taken in the first round in the last five drafts by the Texans. Hopefully he'll solve their problems against the run.
(Order below not set in stone)
16) New York Jets- QB Matt Stafford With the Brett Favre experiment mercifully over, the Jets will nab Stafford to be their quarterback of the future.
17) Chicago Bears- WR Jeremy Maclin Maclin would add another gamebreaker to the Bears' offense opposite Devin Hester.
18) Tampa Bay Buccaneers- OLB Brian Cushing A four year starter at USC, Cushing will be more than capable of replacing the 35-year old Derrick Brooks.
19) Detroit Lions- CB Vontae Davis The Illinois cornerback and brother of Vernon would immediately move into the Lions starting secondary.
20) Philadelphia Eagles- TE Jermaine Gresham LJ Smith is a free agent and not that good anyways. Gresham's productivity at Oklahoma suggests he'll be more than just a good blocker in the NFL.
21) Minnesota Vikings- DE Tyson Jackson Ray Edwards predicted he would break the NFL sack record in the preseason, but came up 18 short. Hopefully Jackson will speak quietly, but play loudly.
22) New England Patriots- WR Percy Harvin Randy Moss only has a few seasons left in him, and the Patriots can afford to look ahead with this pick. Harvin has lightning speed and the Patriots will figure out how to utilize it.
23) Atlanta Falcons- LB Brandon Spikes The Florida linebacker anchored their defense in its run to the BCS Championship and would help solidify a still-suspect Falcons D.
24) Miami Dolphins- S William Moore Moore is a big-hitting safety who's faster than his size would suggest. He'll help a defense that was poor against the pass in 2008.
25) Indianapolis Colts- RB Shonn Greene Joseph Addai has durability issues and his performance is fading. Dominic Rhodes is at the end of the line. If the Colts fail to add a running back this season, it could come back to haunt them. Greene may be one of the more underrated prospects in this draft as he was literally unstoppable for Iowa all year.
26) San Diego Chargers- C/G Alex Mack Ladainian Tomlinson's productivity slipped in 2008, in large part due to poor line play on the interior. Mack will be a force immediately and could slide over to center should Nick Hardwick ever get injured.
27) Arizona Cardinals- RB Knowshon Moreno The Cardinals problems at running back are famous, so to have a prospect like Moreno fall this far would be remarkable and a no-brainer selection.
28) Philadelphia Eagles- OT Eben Britton With aging tackles Jon Runyan and Tra Thomas, early-entry Britton fills a need and can develop for a year or two.
29) Baltimore Ravens- WR Brian Robiskie Flacco was solid in his debut season, but he needs more weapons to throw to going forward. Robiskie, the son of former NFL player Terry, is polished, dependable, and professional.
30) Pittsburgh Steelers- G Duke Robinson The Steelers lost Alan Faneca last offseason and see much of their offensive line heading to free agency this offseason. Robinson is a behemoth at 335 pounds that fits the Steelers' modus operandi.
31) New York Giants- OLB Greg Hardy The Ole Miss hybrid pass rusher spent most of the 2008 offseason in opposing backfields. He'll fit in well blitzing alongside Mathias Kiwanuka and Justin Tuck.
32) Tennessee Titans- WR Hakeem Nicks Nicks had a monster season for North Carolina and capped it off with 217 receiving yards in the Meineke Car Care Bowl. The only weakness of the Titans is a lack of playmakers. At over 16 yards a catch, Nicks is a playmaker, if anything.
We've got music, and, and videos, and a profile... and all kinds of stuff that TRUE Kornheiser's Cartelians need to check out. Real fans only.
I don't know, maybe you should come add us... then, when we confirm (we'll probably hire an intern to handle that bullshit, so not actually "we" but somebody will confirm, we promise)... post on our wall... maybe something like: "thx 4 tha add homey! i luv luv LOVE ur blog so much... i sometymz stay home on tha weekends and just refresh dat shit all nite u kno bc omg u just rock, especially dat Billynho... and The Siets, he's not bad either, but i heard he like likes Johnny Cash and Nicholas Cage movies, so he's so so not my type 'n shit, ya know? but rite hurr r muh digits, call the cell baby, okay? okay!? okay. buh-bye. u better call! mwah"
Yeah, that'd be good. That's how MySpace works right? We're gonna get, like, soooo much new traffic OMG, LOL!
(Read on for my take) Why exactly does Nike keep making these commercials? LeBron making 5 full courters in a row... I can see that. Larry Bird making a blindfolded off the scoreboard, off the moon, off the shot clock, nothing but net shot in a game of H-O-R-S-E... I've seen it done. Michael Jordan playing himself in a game of one-on-one... Who hasn't done that?
Before Billynho and The Siets cruise out for a totally heterosexual night to cruise in the New Year, we thought it'd be apropos to wish you a Happy New Year's and thank you for cruising our site in 2008. Try to find it in your heart to keep cruising back in 2009? We're way down to see you tomorrow and beyond.
GET DRUNK IF YA MUST... but don't if you can help it (yes we mean YOU).
I don't have a fetish for international players, I'm not biased by the opinions of agents, and I actually watch basketball. As conference basketball begins, here's an early look at what may transpire in the 2009 NBA Draft.
Without further ado:
1) Oklahoma City- Ricky Rubio. Anyone who saw Rubio play against the Redeem Team knows this is a no-brainer. He picked Chris Paul's pocket clean multiple times, is quick enough to get into the lane at will (despite what many analysts say), is the most creative passer in competitive basketball since Jason Williams' Sacramento days, looks like an anime character, and seemed to possess the same innate basketball vision that all the greats have. Oklahoma City needs a center, but really this pick comes down to Rubio and Blake Griffin. Griffin would add toughness and rebounding, but with Kevin Durant sliding to the frontcourt and becoming more effective this season, Rubio and Russell Westbrook could form one of the NBA's top backcourts in the future and give the Thunder a troika to build around. 2) Minnesota- Blake Griffin. Griffin is an explosive, dominant rebounder who can post-up on the offensive end whenever he feels like it. His back-to-the-basket game lacks polish, but he'll still be able to score with his Lebron-esque athletiscism. He's a good ballhandler and passer for his size and would be tough for Minnesota to pass up despite their desperate need for guards. Perhaps the Timberwolves could trade Kevin Love for some backcourt help or another high draft pick if they end up with the second pick.
3) Washington- Hasheem Thabeet. Thabeet is 7'3", he moves well, he's a uber-productive rebounder and shot blocker, he's a halfway decent free throw shooter which indicates touch on his shot, and his rate of improvement has been tremendous. Project bigs have a shaky track record in the NBA, but he might be good enough already to earn minutes as he'll surely alter shots and makes opposing guards think twice about driving to the hoop from day one in the League. A starting five of Gilbert Arenas, Nick Young, Caron Butler, Antawn Jamison, and Hasheem Thabeet looks nice on paper. That's assuming Arenas is healthy, and Thabeet is giving them 30 minutes a game next season.
4) Sacramento- Jordan Hill- The Kings have an interesting roster in that they have young talent with long-term deals at every position. Beno Udrih and Francisco Garcia just re-upped before the 2008-09 season, and both see major minutes. Unfortunately, both rank in the bottom half of NBA starters at their respective positions. Kevin Martin and John Salmons are the team's leaders, and both are efficient, underrated scorers on the wing, though not quite All Stars. Spencer Hawes and Jason Thompson are promising, productive young bigs that the Kings can build around. Their weakest position seems to be point guard, but the guess here is that they take Hill, who is quietly averaging 19 points, 12 rebounds, and almost three blocks at Arizona, to add toughness and replace Brad Miller in their froncourt rotation. Jrue Holliday and Brandon Jennings would also be good selections if they could move Udrih.
5) Los Angeles Clippers- James Harden. The Clippers are a ship wreck. They're ridiculously thin with just six real NBA players (Baron Davis, Eric Gordon, Al Thornton, Chris Kaman, Zach Randolph, and Marcus Camby), and are in the position to take the best player available. Harden is shooting 58% from the field, 46% from three point range, and averages 24 points, six rebounds and four assists. He could be a star in the NBA down the road and will be a top notch scorer off the bench next season. He'd be great value for the fifth pick.
6) Golden State- Damion James. Don Nelson loves big men who can shoot, and James is a career 40% three point shooter. He's a lot like a guy the Warriors just traded away, Al Harrington, but it's hard to envisage BJ Mullens fitting in with Andris Biedrens, and Earl Clark mirrors Brandan Wright too closely. They could use a true point guard, and it wouldn't be a shock to see Nelson choose Holliday or Jennings. But a line-up of Jennings, Monta Ellis, Stephen Jackson, Corey Maggette, and Biedrens would be the smallest in the NBA by far.
7) Memphis- BJ Mullens. The Grizzlies have to look for a big man as they've already got a slew of candidates to play point, shooting guard, and small forward. Mullens isn't NBA ready at all, but no one they select here would push them to the playoffs. Had last season's offer sheet to Josh Smith not been matched, they'd look like having a promising future. As it stands now, their success going forward will hinge on finding a rebounding, low-post threat. Mullens has the talent and size to provide that, but probably not until 2011. Keep an eye on Greg Monroe from Georgetown in the event that Mullens never improves.
8) Indiana- Stephen Curry. The Pacers also need to find a low-post talent if they're to progress, but Larry Bird has put an emphasis on improving the team immediately to curb fan disinterest. Wake Forest's Al-Farouq Aminu has the look, but his rap sheet suggests the newly squeaky clean Pacers will look elsewhere. Earl Clark is a tempting option, but in the end they won't be able to pass on the next-Reggie Miller. Few need to be reminded of Curry's credentials, and Indiana fans will connect the two and flock to Conseco next season and beyond to see him play. It's tough to peg Curry's NBA potential, but his newfound ballhandling and passing hint that he may be more than a sharpshooter.
9) Charlotte- Tyreke Evans. Evans' shot has gone awry thus far this season, but his athleticism, defense, and multi-varied skill set remind one of Gerald Wallace. With an opening on the wing after the trade of Jason Richardson, Evans fills a need in the interim while looking like a future All Star at the same time.
10) New York- Earl Clark. Louisville. Analysts say this about everyone, but Clark would be a perfect fit in Mike D'Antoni's offense. He's a fluid 6'9" athlete that can handle the ball and make passes few his size would dream of attempting. The Knicks could take a point guard if Holliday and Jennings are around, but Duhon is doing a better job than anyone imagined. Clark would help the Knicks immediately and is versatile enough to play the three or four, a valuable trait to keep in mind depending on who the Knicks sign in 2010.
Goal II: Living the Dream taught me that Real Madrid are the most glamorous football club in the world. Their players know how to party, have great hair, and are supposed to be good footballers.
I fell for it, just like Glen Foy fell for Santiago Munez. Go ahead, have a laugh! But at least now I know those movies were a big EFF'n joke. Hard to believe I thought they were documentaries until I read their Wikipedia entries...
Ahem, yes, back to Real Madrid. Also a joke. Why? If you read the five best football websites, you've surely heard by now that Los Merengues have tabled a January transfer bid for Jermaine Jenas. Yes, that Jermaine Jenas. The Jermaine Jenas who passes laterally or backward over 90% of the time. The Jermaine Jenas laughably compared to Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard in yesteryear's gone by. The Jermaine Jenas who shouldn't start for Tottenham Hotspur; the same Tottenham Hotspur teetering on the brink of relegation. The Jermaine Jenas who~! You get the point.
Sounds more like a nightmare than the dream the aforementioned movies labeled the club. In recent weeks Real Madrid have been outpriced for Antonio Valencia (of Wigan!), snubbed by Jermaine Pennant (third string at Liverpool, who chose Wigan(!) over Madrid), and been told "thanks, but no thanks" by Didier Zakora (Didier Zakora!). Cristiano Ronaldo they certainly are not.
After hearing that Real was looking to add pace on the wings, the attempted swoops for Zakora and Jenas are puzzling. Clearly, there is a Tottenham bias at work. Imagine if one could meld a not-so-good winger with a Hotspur pedigree. Andy Reid? Andy Reid!
A flop at Tottenham... just like Zakora and Jenas. A coulda-been, never-was... just like Pennant. And if Sunderland ask for more than £3 million... too expensive for Real Madrid just like Antonio Valencia.
Andy Reid to Real Madrid! You heard it here first. But probably not last. Oh dear. If only Santiago Munez really was real...
There’s every good reason for letting you go He’s sneaky and smoked out And it’s starting to show I never let you go I never let you go I never let you go
I never let you turn around, our back on each other That’s a good idea, break a promise to your mother Turn around your back on each other
You say I’ve changed Well maybe I did But even if I changed What’s wrong with it? I never let you go I never let you go I never let you go
And all our friends are gone, are gone And all the time moves, on and on And all I know is it’s wrong, it’s wrong And all I know is it’s wrong, it’s wrong
If there’s a reason, it’s lost on me Maybe we’ll be friends, I guess we’ll see I never let you go I never let you go I never let you go
I remember the stupid things, the mood rings, The bracelets, and the beads, nickels and dimes, yours and mine Did you cash in all your dreams? You don’ t dream for me, no, you don’t dream for me, no But I still feel you pulsing like a sonar from the days in the waves That guy is like a sunburn I would like to save That guy is like a sunburn I would like to save He’s like a sunburn, he’s like a sunburn
Who throws a shoe?!? It's a question the whole world is asking since an Iraqi reporter chucked his at George Bush.
I feel for you GW. You know who else throws shoes? Orel. Kornheiser. Himself. At me.
Appalling!
Luckily his aim is about as good as this reporter's. In other words, slightly better than Keaton Grant's thus far this season for Purdue. (drummer in corner unenthusiastically and reluctantly hits a few notes signalling that I made a joke)
This has been Billynho, reporting for Kornheiser's Cartel.
When I debuted the list this summer, there was much fanfare and interest. What's changed since then? Manchester City has an infinite transfer budget, for one. Here's the updated list of the ten most valuable (in terms of price if sold on the transfer market) football (soccer if you're American) players in the world: 10) Michael Essien— Chelsea made Essien the most expensive African footballer ever when they purchased him from Lyon for £24 million in 2005. Despite injury this season, he'll walk right back into the starting line-up wherever he feels like playing when he's back to health.
He's a straight G and can do it all. There isn't a side in the world that he wouldn't start for.
Value: £35 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £45 million
9) Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas— I ripped Cesc pretty bad first time around, but he's growing on me a bit. He's becoming more tough in the tackle, scoring more goals, and whining less. And he's still a stupendous passer.
Compliments aside, I hate him.
What would Manchester City pay for him? £55 million
8) Valencia's David Villa- A coveted commodity to Europe's best clubs for over five years now, Villa has stepped his game up even more this season. He's second on La Liga's goal scoring charts with 13, had a great Euro 2008, and even looks to have grown an inch or so (making him a gargantuan 5'7" I believe). I still question how much better he is than a Jermaine Defoe or Robbie Keane, but Europe's elite don't seem to share my concern.
Value: £40 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £60 million apparently?
7) Real Madrid's Iker Casillas— It seems just a few years since some were questioning whether Real Madrid needed to pursue a new keeper to relieve Casillas of his duty. After allowing 13 La Liga goals in 2007-08 and (like Villa) sparkling at Euro 2008, managing directors, scouts, and that guy who announcing La Liga on Gol are all over his nuts today.
He's good, but Real is struggling this year. Anything over 30 million for a keeper seems overkill.
Value: £45 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £60 million
6) Liverpool's Fernando Torres- A case could be made that he should be a few spots higher on this list, but the fact that he tattooed his name in J.R.R. Tolkien's Tengwar script on his forearm weighed heavily against him.
Yes, he's a proven goalscorer, Euro 2008 champion, and has lovely hair, but Tengwar?
Value: £45 million
What would Manchester City pay for him?
5) Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos— I still see it. You know what I'm talking about. That something going on between Torres and Ramos. Don't you sense it? Nothing wrong that, it's cool, whatever. Two less guys I gotta compete with.
What isn't cool is their Tengwar tattoos.
Value: £45 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £55 million
4) Atletico Madrid's Sergio Aguero— El Kun is marrying Diego Maradona's daughter and has the whole world comparing him to El Pibe de Oro. Like the three men above him, he seems to have been born with a ball at his feet. He scored three goals in five Champions League group games and is an even money bet to have Real Madrid stalking him once they seal the Ronaldo transfer.
Value: £50 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £60 million
3) Barcelona's Lionel Messi— Let me just say this... Messi is very, very, very, very EFFing good. But that dude on Gol needs to calm down. During Saturday's Barcelona and Real Madrid game, the guy ranted that Messi was a (paraphrasing) "FUCKING COLLOSUS PUT ON EARTH TO SMITE REAL MADRID FANS AND PUT TEARS IN THE EYES OF HUMAN BEINGS THE EARTH OVER, WATCHING HIM PLAY FOOTBALL IS AKIN TO WATCHING BEETHOVEN WRITE HIS SIXTH SYMPHONY. HE'S NOT A MORTAL, HE SHALL BE AROUND TIL THE END OF TIME AS A GIFT FROM THE GODS TO BE CHERISHED AND CELEBRATED AND WORSHIPPED, AMEN!"
Value: £65 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £100 million
What would the guy on Gol pay? Stack all the gold, frankencinse, myrrh women, and women in the history of the world... then double it.
2) AC Milan's Kaká— Behind the angelic baby face and devotional undershirts lies the holy grail of modern midfielders. Kaká blends track speed, surprising power, and ridiculous skill.
He's consistently productive for both club and country, a rare scandal-free star, and still just 26 years old. He's had a quiet season, but who doesn't love Kaka?
Value: £60 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £85 million
1) Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo— The best player in the world (right now), Ronaldo is a master dribbler, shooter, and diver.
In 2007-08, he scored 42 goals in 48 games in leading Manchester United to a Premier League and Champions League double.
Before stumping up the transfer list price for Ronaldo, Madrid and Manchester City should remember that two years ago Ronaldinho would've been atop this list at £100 million. Of course, Ronaldinho never outran a Bugatti. My bad.
As long as he keeps the trash talking, winks, and penalty kicking to a minimum, he may just be worth the investment.
Value: £70 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £120 million
Still just falling short (hehe)— At age nine, the 4'6" wunderkind next-Pele, next-Maradona, next-Ronaldinho, next-Freddy Adu became an overnight Internet sensation.
Videos of him popping the keeper (who couldn't reach the crossbar jumping), dribbling through players as if they hadn't fully developed their leg muscles yet, and celebrating each of his 10 goals a game like they were World Cup game-winners flooded YouTube.
At the time, it was purported that Chera was the best U-14 player in all of Brazil. Santos may have mined a metaphorical golden talent. But probably not.
Also considered: Bojan, Petr Cech, Micah Richards, Wesley Sneijder, Robinho, Franck Ribery, Wayne Rooney, Gianluigi Buffon, Karim Benzema
A few summers back, I worked in a fitness club where there was never enough to do. To fill time, we talked. A lot. So much in fact that we ran out of things to talk about... which led to debate about a hypothetical world where "Saved By the Bell" was cast from the employees at the club. Stupid and pointless no doubt, but it was fun and passionate. It raged for weeks; everyone wanted to be Zack. Luckily, I managed to forget those dark, boring days until I saw the show this afternoon. And it made me wonder...
What if the characters of "Saved by the Bell" were cast from NBA players? Who would be best for each role?...
Zack Morris: Allen Iverson- Just like Zack, he's late and causing trouble daily, but no one can stay mad at Iverson. Whether it's the fact that he's always smiling and his cornrows are perfectly aligned or the high-pitched scoffs he delivers in downplaying accusations of wrongdoing, we all love Iverson.
A.C. Slater: Dwight Howard- Overly masculine and perpetually posturing, Slater was a guy's guy. But he had an undeniable subconscious soft side, accentuated by those deep dimples. Howard has all of the above (he's a sweet, God-fearing man I hear) right down to the dimples and the same hulking pecs. An obvious choice.
Lisa Turtle: Shaquille O'Neal- Unattainable and sassy, but at the same time desperate for attention. Always too good for Screech, except when the nerd stopped stalking her. Their dynamic sounds a lot like Shaq's with every team he's played for, doesn't it? Bonus points for his equally gaudy fashion sense.
Samuel "Screech" Powers: Brian Scalabrine- Each elicit laughs at every appearance, have hilarious hair, and stick out like a sore thumb amongst those around them. Might we see Scalabrine in a sex tape soon? God I hope not.
Jessica "Jessie" Myrtle Spano: Isiah Thomas- Need I say more?:
Kelly Kapowski: Bron Bron- Kapowski was definitely the belle of the ball at Bayside... Zack skipped the prom to be with her because she was too poor to go, and he could've had any girl he wanted! LeBron James can expect to receive thousands of texts from every balding, middle-aged exec in the league as his impending free agency gets closer and closer. Since I hate the Lakers, I hope he doesn't take the time to Google this one.
Mr. Belding: Phil Jackson- Belding ruled with an iron fist and cocky attitude, but at the end of the day, he just wanted to be appreciated, he loved his kids, and he was the best principal EVVVEEERRRRRRRRRRRR...The original Zenmaster.
The best part of waking up, is Folgers in your cuuuuuuup... cha cha cha!
Just kidding I hate coffee. And I've yet to fall asleep. Just know there's an update coming today/night. I'm gonna go before I tell you too much about myself. Too late?
Little Scoonie Scudderson of Birmingham, England, died at eight years old in early 2006 when a Kanshaku crawled into his liver. Luckily, doctors discovered the mythical 16th century Japanese bug fighting its way toward little Scoonie's chest cavity and let him know that he had one month to live.
At first, it sucked. Little Scoonie cried... and cried... and cried some more. Who wants to die at age eight, right? Then, the Make A Wish Foundation called and said they were going to make Scoonie's last, er, dream come true.
"Hooray!" croaked the boy (talking was hard, what with the angry creature inside him chomping organs constantly), and he thought to himself, "This Kanshaku is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!" and a big smile broke out on his face.
The Make A Wish people had never seen someone so excited about dying, and so they asked the little boy, "What'll it be kid?" Little Scoonie smiled, winked at himself in the mirror, and confidently whispered, "Could, could ya, could ya please make sure Aston Villa qualifies for the Champions League next season?"
The Make A Wish Foundation people looked at one another, nodded solemnly, then bursting out laughing!
"No one told me this boy was retarded?"
"Out of the question!"
"Impossible!"
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL DIE NOW KID!"
And Little Scoonie did die. Right that second.
But his last wish lived on. Or so the story goes that Martin O'Neill heard of Little Scoonie and his impossible request and vowed to himself that he would make that little boy's wish a reality in his honor. True to his word, everything he has done at Aston Villa has been nothing short of miraculous.
With a squad long on young, potential stars made good and veteran retreads rejected by Europe's elite, and short on big name, big money signings, O'Neill has hauled Aston Villa up to table to where they sit today... one point off Arsenal for fourth place in the Premier League. The December 26 meeting between the two should be the most intense game of the first half of the season.
In just over two years, O'Neill has transformed Aston Villa regular Gareth Barry into England regular Gareth Barry, a level he'd been short of for almost five years prior; cast a spell on Ashley Young, manipulating him into an England hotshot preferred over Aaron Lennon and David Bentley on the wing; and concocted one Gabriel Agbonlahor, arguably his Magnum opus, the nation's top prospect for the future.
In a league that has become depressingly staid, overhyped, and ridiculous, he's a refreshing, down-to-earth figure that promises little and delivers large. One has to wonder whether Villa would be fighting for first, rather than fourth, if he'd spent like folly fiends Tottenham.
Alas, it was a miracle Scoonie demanded, and only Little Scoonie would've believed that Martin O'Neill could do so much with so little.
Now if only some eight year old Leeds fan were to be about to die with a commensurate wish... then we'd all be REALLY impressed Martin.
Since revealing the details of my formerly torturous football deprived ex-relationship in an emotional piece a few months ago, some readers are calling the article's content into disrepute. Who dare challenge the word of this unemployed, hack, anonymous blogger? Erm, his ex-girlfriend. This just in... she claims to still hate football (I never knew, she claims to have told me many times.). Yes, she says that, "MAYBE IF MY HACK, ANONYMOUS BLOGGER EX-BOYFRIEND LISTENED TO ME MORE, I COULD'VE LEARNED TO LIKE IT THIS FALL!" Alas, let's not get into what-ifs, he-says-she-says, and listening to the opinion of women. Let's just transition into Billynho's Guide to the NFL For Women (Part 2). (Iuns will deliver her side later; but she's more eager than any woman for the rest of this series.)
"Damnet B! You said the DEFENSE was supposed to tackle the offense!? Hmpf! Looks to me like Ohio State's running back keeps knocking down Purdue's defenders." -Billynho's ex-girlfriend, 10/6/07, expressing her frustration at watching Ohio State's running back Beanie Wells go BEAST MODE on Purdue. Defensive Tackle: Marked "DL" in the picture above (but more commonly referred to as DT's), defensive tackles primarily serve to eat up space at the line of scrimmage. In most instances, the biggest and strongest are the best; speed is of little value, except at the dinner table. The top defensive tackles in the NFL command the attention of two offensive linemen (and even more servings of food), which theoretically frees up their defensive linemates to wreak havoc on the offense. The majority of NFL teams play two defensive tackles at a time, but a hand
0 Comments
