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Cheers to Bill Carmody (shown juggling testicles) and his Northwestern Wildcats for keeping my dear Purdue Boilermakers in the hunt for the Big Ten Title and defeating the Michigan State Spartans tonight, 70-63.
I could have done without the close call, but I can't be picky. The win gives Northwestern 10 wins already on the young season, with nine win talent. This comes on the heels of a season that saw Northwestern win eight games and go 1-17 in the Big Ten Conference.
The best part is that the win came over a seventh-ranked Michigan State team with a 423 game winning streak at home.
I can't believe I am saying this, but congrats to Kevin Coble (31 points) for not being a completely worthless Chase Budinger impersonator! You really outdid yourself tonight. You could say that Coble was in the "Izzone"?!?! Lolz!
On January 13, it was reported that Stone Cold Steve Austin would be the first member of the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2009.
Yes, the founder of the moniker "Austin 3:16" is finally getting what he deserves; a place among all the other great champions of the World's Greatest Sport.
Finally, after years of battling the World's Toughest Men (yes, that includes Chyna) Austin can be with his brethren for the remainder of his life. Who else could have taken on the entire WWE, along with its owner and his entire crew, the Corporate Ministry, and come out alive?
The answer... no one.
Austin is truly a great warrior who has forged his path and also all the subsequent paths of 12-30 year olds everywhere. He is the one person that I will always fear being alone with, because when you least expect it... you will end up STUNNED!!!
A recap on Stone Cold's career: - Six time WWF Champion - Two time Intercontinental Champion (when it actually meant something) - Four time Tag Team Champion (with four different partners) - 1996 King of the Ring - Three time Royal Rumble Championship, and one time runner-up (thanks to the Rock) - 98,981 beers drunk on national television (though only about six total ounces of beer actually made it to his mouth, due to excessive bashing of cans together)
And yes, I realize that I may be the only person left to care about this, but if you played any Sega, Nintendo, or Playstation console since 1992, I can guarantee you used a Million Dollar Dream or a Stone Cold Stunner, among other finishes. I challenge anyone to find two better finishing moves than those.
All are welcome to share how the Stone Cold Stunner has influenced your life in anyway...
Over the last few weeks (15 days to be exact) I have patiently sat back and cried to myself. Why, do you ask? Because in that period of time I have not been graced with the treasure that is, a Jay Mariotti article...nay, a Jay Mariotti artwork.
You may say, "Well you can still watch him on Around the Horn," but that just is not the same. If anything, it makes it worse. Seeing him there...purple background...probably hanging out with fellow unemployed columnist Kevin Blackistone. It tears my heart to pieces.
Plus he's not exactly visually appealing and his voice sounds like a gremlin. (Hence the excess muting)
No, I cannot explain why Jay quit the Times, but I do know that if you take him back, you will not regret it. For he may only be four feet in stature, but if journalistic integrity were measured in height, he would be 7'6".
But he's no devil (more of an angry dwarf), and he most certainly has a cause.
Listen, Jay knows about the paper business. Maybe more than Michael Scott. And if you need to make staff cuts, wouldn't it be alot easier if you hired Jay back? He doesn't need coworkers. As a matter of fact, he hates them!
In his own words, "other reporters are jealous of him." No surprise, even this guy is jealous of him. And we all know how well things are going for him. He got beat out by this guy.
As Michael Cooke, your boss, said, "We wish Jay well and will miss him...," and he later said, "...stars come and go...". Or in this case... go and come back?
He may or may not have made those statements in a different context...
Please do not just consider bring Jay, do it. I can't take the sound of his actual voice anymore (or physical appearance). Plus, it gets in the way of looking at Stat Boy. He's so handsome.
Yours truly (and Jay's only TRUE fan... only fan at all probably),
With all this talk about the Chinese gymnasts finally being investigated for being too young, the Norwegian horses suspended for doping, and the U.S. relay teams being disqualified for dropping the batons, and Andre getting his headphones taken off because he's pitching too good...
I just have to know.
Would Ariel, assuming she stayed on land with her one true love, be eligible for the Olympics? She would HAVE to be a better swimmer than any human, right?
How many Gold Medals does she get if Michael Phelps gets eight? 10, 12, 20? How many are there? What nation would she swim for? Would she choose some country with ZERO swimming tradition just to humor herself? Would she get fat if she had to spend so much time on land and not having to exercise every time she moved? Would she think Tom Hanks could really attract a mermaid?
These are pressing questions that I wish Disney would answer. I smell a Little Mermaid VI!!!
Editor's Note: Do NOT look up "Little Mermaid on land" unless you want to be blasted with pictures of a naked cartoon Ariel, but if you do...I highly suggest it.
With virtually all other publications/media outlets releasing their preseason football prognostications for the upcoming season (before athletes had a full summer of potential opportunities to get caught stealing/assaulting) it is now time for Kornheiser's Cartel to release Orel's Preseason Previews, or shortly put "OPP". Why the Big Ten you ask? What other conference has this level of smashmouth, GRIND IT OUT football? What other conference has their own television network (Notre Dame DOES NOT count)? What other conference has 10 of the top 11 (exaggerated) stadium capacities in the nation (sorry Northwestern)? And finally, in the words of Barry Badrinath, what other conference can you watch and see an awe inspiring play and be obliged to yell out, "That's Big Ten Football!"?
It was easy to choose the school to kick-off our previews this year. Michigan kicked-off last season rather auspiciously with early season losses...followed by eight consecutive victories over teams, including NOTRE DAME. They hit a lull to end the season until they came up with one of the more impressive performances of any team of the season in the Capital One Bowl over Tim Tebow...err Florida.
Enough about the past, let's talk about this season!
Michigan returns 14 starters from a team that finished the season ranked, rightfully so, in the top-20 in the nation. They bring in who has to be the most dynamic freshman in the country in Terrell Pryor. He has the perfect tools that new coach Rich Rodriguez looks for in his quarterbacks. If by some fluke Pryor does not live up to the billing, sophomore Ryan Mallett, a former 5-star recruit, is there to pick up keys and go. No one can argue that this team is on its way to an unprecedented 43rd Big Ten Championship and possibly its 12th National Title.
Wait a second...the Wolverines DO NOT return their most important pieces from their vaunted offense last season and they sure as hell DO NOT return OR bring in the great Terrell Pryor or Ryan "the Human Croquet" Mallett?
Honestly, the Wolverines should be mediocre at besta although they have brought in another great recruiting class to continue their tradition of undeserved recruits (Rodriguez is a "snake oil salesman" after all). Their defense should keep games close, while their offense should run about as efficiently as Joe Pa on a treadmill.
There really is no excuse though. This program gets top-10 talent EVERY year. I don't care if you lose a few good players and one GREAT player (Mike Hart), there is no reason that they should not expect to contend for a Big Ten title every single year. You have to remember, this is a program accustomed to never living up to its lofty rankings, so this year should be different from that aspect. There are no expectations whatsoever, unless you call being a fringe top-25 team expectations for this tradition rich football academy.
In closing, they just don't have the firepower to replace the human grinder Mike Hart. I'm predicting a transition year for Michigan this year. They are headed for another measly nine wins with a fifth-place finish in the Big Ten... Only to return to their position as Ohio State's little sister next season.
Who am I to talk though? I'm a Purdue fan...I idolize anyone that's THE Ohio State University's little sister. But more on that to come!
I hate to sound Anti-American, but is there a more annoying song in the world than our National Anthem? After watching sweet Shawn Johnson smile her way to another U.S. gold in the vault finals tonight I was subjected to watching the entirety of the awards ceremony and the playing of the national anthem for what feels like the 90th time this games. Do we, the viewer, really need to watch this whole process OVER AND OVER again? Then again, it was heartwarming to see the tears of joy in Shawn's face and to know that if even for a moment, she was safe from Valeri's evil hands (See also: the lovebirds to the left). Well...and Bob Costas! And I guess as a result of the overplaying of the national anthem we are not subjected to even MORE face time for Bob Costas. Oh hell, I LOVE AMERICA AND I LOVE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!
Editor's Note: Orel Kornheiser still hates Bob Costas...and NBC's Olympic Coverage...only a few days left...
For the past two weeks I have been in a strange place. Some sort of event is going on. Today, a kind young whipper snapper escorted me out of my bed because at my age, I no longer have the energy. Soon a young lady came to my side and began our daily routine. I wish I could tell you her name, but I don't know my own at this point in my life. Anyways, as she fed me this lovely recipe that she calls Gurbur (I think its German, but I do not care, its delicious). After I'm fed, I take a nap. When I wake up I realize that I missed "The Morning Show". I just love to see the interesting colors on the t.v. When I grew up you were lucky to have a radio in your house. Oh yes you were. Yep...yep. Another young man soon came into my room and gee golly willikers he asked me a lot of questions above motivation and inspiration. I told him about when I was young I had to walk 10 miles to school everyday. He then asked me if I had any grandkids and if they were in "my space" or something like that. I said what. He said my space. I said my space? I told him "no, they aren't in my room". He then pulled out a light from his pocket and was touching it and it changed colors. He told me he added my grandkids and they are going to meet up later. I don't know what he meant, but Oprah was on and that was all I was worried about. He then left the room and mumbled about how he "hoped my grandkids were as easily persuaded as me". I don't know his name, but he looked awfully similar to that man that is always on t.v. here. That Oprah is a really cute black woman. I like her. Everyone was racist when I grew up but I'm not, I think all kinds of people are cute. After Oprah a young girl came and wheeled me to some sort of crik. They put on my shower cap, it seemed a little tighter than usual. Yep it did... yep yep. They usually hold me when I am in the water, but today they let go. I flailed back and forth in the crik and it was really easy so I don't know why there were so many people around cheering for me but I liked it, it was good, it was the loudest cheering I'd heard since my husband came back from World War II on the plane with all the other handsome boys. He never actually came back to me though, like I said, there were many handsome boys. If those weren't the good days I reckon I don't know what were. My husband's dad was born in Dupree, South Dakota and he moved and built a house and it was beautiful and it was across the way in Mt. Rushmore and my that's the most beautiful mountain I ever did see. Ya reckon? I reckon. Yep yep... After I got finally reached some wall they gave me the prettiest silver necklace I ever did see. Right then all I wanted was to go back and watch more Oprah though. I didn't need a necklace, I'm too old to use it. Yep yep. I got wheeled back to my room and they brought me some pork chops that were the best pork chops I ever tasted in my life. My great-grandmother made fresh pork chops that I ever had when I was just a little girl. I wasn't the only one that almost drowned today though. Another little girl was in the crik today and she didn't like drowning either because she got out before I did. She may have been afraid of beavers. I remember when I was a little girl I would never get in the water because as Poppa put it, "those damned beavers dammed the damn crik". That's what he said alright. Yep yep. We didn't have air conditioning so I swam in the creek every day once I caught all those damned beavers.. We all did. We caught crawdads and we never heard of no computers and we had fun. I liked swimming. We caught crawdads and we never heard of no computers and we had fun. I like swimming. We caught crawdads and we never heard of no computers and we had fun. I like swimming. Yep yep. Anyways. She had a really pretty underwear on. Well, I have to go. I think I just stained the lining of MY underwear. I can't really see too well anymore. I made this dress myself. Yep yep.
For anyone that played NBA Tecmo 1992-93, this takes us back to a time where he was actually worth something to someone...other than his dealers.
Anyways, widespread speculation is that due to the declining power of the U.S. dollar, Kemp was forced to go to Europe to afford the addiction.
I can't say I'm not happy for him. I don't mean to say that this is awkward timing, but Sean Sutton seems to be missing a necklace...
EDIT:I apologize for any assumptions that I made in regards to Shawn Kemp needing money to afford his drugs. It turns out that he needs to money to support his colony of kids spread throughout the world.
It's been said that the sun never sets on the Kemp Family.
I have to admit. I am extremely disappointed in the Olympic coverage on the Chinese side this year. I have spent what would amount to about three days time in the last few years watching what has become a cult phenomenon "MXC".
The only reason I initially tuned into the Olympics this year was to see Guy LeDouche report on the inner workings of the Olympics (Though it did not take long to be drawn in to the amazing stories and tales spoken so eloquently by Mr. Baritone himself, Mary Carillo...err...Mrs.)!
But seriously, James Earl Jones sounds like Mariah Carey compared to that voice...
Anyways, imagine Olympic coverage where you don't have to wonder whether the host, Costas, is wishing he was the inseam on the 12 year-old Chinese girls gymnastics suit. Where Bela Karolyi is not the highlight of your night.
Hell, even the the events would be more entertaining with Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship at the reins. Goodbye 5 mile swim, hello "Rock Hopping".
I guess what I want the most is for the gymnasts to not be the stupidest looking people on the screen. Well, other than Ian Crocker (see below)...
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