A Guide to the NFL For Women (Part 1)

Part 2 Here


I know when it happened to me for the first time, I could barely handle it. I'll never forget the moment. Stared in horror. Couldn't bear to imagine the future. Contemplated ending it all right there. It was all so... meaningless.

The relationship... I mean. Yes, I'm of course talking about dating a woman who knew nothing about football. She didn't know jack about Jack (del Rio).

"Joe Namath?... John Madden?... Joe Theismann's right leg?... Barry Sanders?... Brett Favre?... Tom Brady?... He Hate Me?" I'd offer hopefully to blank stares.

"Who?" she'd reply time-after-time uninterested (muffled by my shrieking sounds of disbelief), as if she was Fresh Off the Boat from some scarcely populated, archaic island in the Pacific (which wouldn't explain anything, I later realized, what with all the Samoans in the NFL).

At first I shuddered, cringed, and whinged. But she was a sweetheart (and had a tight booty). So I gave up hope of understanding how she lived 22 years on this planet yet managed to avoid ALL knowledge of its greatest sport, and I formulated a plan. I gave her a crash course on the ins and outs of football, dropped athletes names as verbs in everyday conversation ("You really Ted Washingtoned my ice cream!"), quizzed her on each team's nickname (they learn these fast guys), and smiled as the results shined through.

Soon my girl was talkin' bout jukin' like Reggie Bush, devouring YouTube clips of Noel Devine and AJ Green and asking for thirds, threatening to crush me a la Bob Sanders, and, best of all, willing to watch NFL on Sundays with me (we tried college football, but she didn't appreciate the brutality when we went and saw No. 1 Ohio State obliterate Purdue)!

"Monday Night Football?" you ask/beg. Well if she'd be as nice as she was enthusiastic about football, we'd have watched Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints Monday at her behest.

The point is you don't have to give up hope. Guys, your girlfriend/wife can learn to appreciate football, and quickly, even if she'd rather open-mouth kiss a homeless man than sit through a game today. Make your starflower utopia lovechild read this piece!

Women, football is fun. And I'm here to explain why. Read on as I dish the essentials to help you not only tolerate football, but enjoy it!:



"Quarter...back... please. When did you give me a quarter?" -Billynho's ex-girlfriend, 10/6/07, responding tersely after being asked to point out the quarterback.
Understand the Positions:
I don't watch cricket or polo because I'm not gay, nouveau-riche, or an Indian in Britain. But even if I tried, I'm sure I'd hate both because I wouldn't have a damn (raging) clue about was going on. I can understand why females with little knowledge of football don't like it. The best way to hasten the learning curve is to learn the roles of each position.


Quarterback: Marked "QB" on the image above, quarterbacks have nothing to do with change. Quarterbacks command the huddle, call plays (most are told by their coach what plays to run, the best call their own), hand off to the running back, and pass to wide receivers, tight ends, and running backs... all while running for their lives from defensive ends. They're typically good looking (Peyton Manning is a notable exception), tall (around 6'5"), smart, and tough. A great quarterback makes his fans sound gay when talking about him. A terrible quarterback gets his head coach fired.
Good Examples: Steve Young, Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Joe Montana, Drew Brees, Willie Beaman
Bad Examples: Kordell Stewart, Kansas City's Thigpen, Ryan Leaf, Philip Rivers, Michael Vick
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "Part of me is glad Michael Vick is in prison, because as an Atlanta Falcons fan it's nice to have a real quarterback once again instead of a running back masquerading back there. The other part of me wonders how we're going to get weed with him locked up. You have JaMarcus Russell's cell phone number right?"

Running Back: Also known as "tailbacks" (TB above), running backs typically line up behind and take hand-offs from the quarterback before attempting to run around or through defenders. On pass plays, they either block for the quarterback or turn into receivers. Running back is said to be one of the most dangerous positions to play in any sport, a theory to which Willis McGahee surely attests (do not watch that video if squirmish... I have never re-watched it since seeing it live). Fast, strong, and skilled... running backs are the best athletes on the field.
Good Examples: Barry Sanders, Marshall Faulk, Walter Payton, Reggie Bush, Adrian Peterson, Marshawn Lynch, Mike Alstott, Michael Vick
Bad Examples: Anyone drafted in the first round by the Chicago Bears
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "Honey, have you ever realized that LaDainian Tomlinson's backups always average more yards per carry than him? Makes no sense that everyone thinks he's the best running back in the NFL."

Wide Receiver: Teams typically line up between two and four receivers (WR, logically) at a time, and it is their job to get open and catch passes from the quarterback. They must have great hands, run precise routes, and the best are fearless, able to hold onto a catch knowing a full-speed hit is coming from a defender. They also tend to have the best touchdown dances, generally believe they should have the ball thrown to them every down, and pout through the media when it isn't. Seriously, it's required of the great ones.
Good Examples: 2002-2007 Chad Johnson, Marvin Harrison, Jerry Rice, Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Rod Tidwell, Anyone guarded by Jacques Reeves, Florida State's Peter Warrick
Bad Examples: 2008 Chad Johnson, Ashley Lelie, Troy Williamson, Cincinnati Bengals' Peter Warrick
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "If you made ME the Lions starting quarterback with Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson to throw to, we'd outscore the 1999 St. Louis Rams. I don't care if Charles Rogers and Mike Williams are my third and fourth options. We'll score 50 a game."

Tight End: Tight ends (TE) line up on either side of the offensive line and serve as extra blockers on running plays and targets on passing plays. They typically run 5-10 yard routes across the middle of the field, and average tight ends lack the speed to run much after the catch. The league's best tight ends are ultra-athletic speedsters who are too fast for linebackers and too strong for defensive backs (we'll cover those in part two). Because most tight ends are immobile louts, semi-competent ones with functioning legs are oft-vastly overrated (see: Jason Witten).
Good Examples: Tony Gonzalez, Shannon Sharpe, Antonio Gates (while Drew Brees was his quarterback), Mike Vrabel
Bad Examples: Vernon Davis
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "No one is better than Dallas Clark at finding the seam between the secondary and the linebackers. Unfortunately he fumbles more than Ahman Green."

Offensive Lineman: They're gross, so we'll hit them up all at once to get our minds off them fast. Every play, the offensive team lines up five lineman. The outside two are the left and right tackles (left and right in relation to the direction the quarterback is facing), inside of them are the left and right guards, and in the middle is the center. The center snaps the ball to the quarterback. To play on the offensive line are you must be a fatass, display a willingness to chop and cut (block), and smell bad. You HAVE to smell really bad!
Good Examples: Billy Bob, Jonathan Ogden, Olin Kreutz, Steve Hutchinson
Bad Examples: Tony Mandarich, Ray Budds
Impress your husband/boyfriend by saying: "Does Leonard Davis lack a gastrointestinal tract? He is noticably more fat now than he was at the beginning of the game."

Check back for more in the series: A Guide to the NFL For Women

Part 2: Defense

Read more!