Purdue Personals

Life in West Point can get lonely for a 23 year old male. Too young for the Lion's Club, too poor for the Steakhouse, and too healthy for the cemetery; there's just no place for me to make friends! So, the first thing I do every morning is read the J&C Personals. They haven't done me much good yet (I'm six rejections deep), but I have come across some interesting listings:

LOST CONNECTION WLTR
38 Y.O. strict disciplinarian WINNER seeking to add depth back into his life. You were a tall, blond, nice, unselfish southpaw. I watched you grow up, we took bus trips, I yelled at you, we visited the Capital… then you left. Let's play ball (again)! Text MARTbrokIN to (555) NDS-UCKS

HARD-WORKING LITTLE DEVIL
18 Y.O. QB, W. Laf, wants to stay close to home. Seeking relationship with mustached authority figure. I'm smart, tough, I don't lose, and I'd look great in gold and black. Don't miss out on the next-Josh Smith! Text Matt Lancaster at (555) ILO-VEPU

YOU'RE MY MAN
Shout out to my man Matt Painter. Tough going thus far this season, but I know you'll whip them into shape. Don't forget who brought you here. You're MY coach. Make me YOUR AD forever this offseason! How's $2.5 million a year sound? Let me know… Text Morgan Burke at (555) STA-Y@PU

I'M YOUR BEST HOPE
You're the Kansan RB ranked first in the country. I'm the old, white guy with the backward Purdue cap stalking you the last few months. I want to buy you books and your own room (sorta), dress you up, watch you run, and see you off to the NFL. Let's make my your dreams come true? Text Bryce Brown to (555) PRT-YPLZ

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