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Five years. It's hard to believe it's only been that long. To celebrate Erin Andrews and her first half-decade with ESPN, we're revealing EA's diary from the day of a Duke basketball game. Bruce Pearl begged us to take a look at the entry from the day of the Blue Devils' game against Tennessee. What we found was equal parts titillating and terrifying. Enjoy (thanks to Billynho and BA Barry B. for deciphering the pages):
3:23 a.m.- I get woken up by Kirk Herbstreit wearing a Tebow jersey (Big Ten Boyz Luv Southern Belles). I'm instantly horny.
6 a.m.- My phone is ringing. Who could be calling at this hour? All I hear is heavy breathing. Not again. Bruce!
I get my underwear back from Kirk (he's always trying to steal it) and go to take a shower. Only 13 hours until game time, and it's never too early to look your best. 9 a.m.- I finally get in the shower after getting sidetracked staring at myself in the mirror for three hours. I like to get all dolled up so I spend more time looking in the mirror than Amy Winehouse... well, she uses the mirror for something else.
10 a.m.- I call Hef for the 76th straight day to yell at him. I can't believe he finally put a Gator on the cover of Playboy, and it wasn't me! Everyone knows I'm way hotter than that tramp (Debatable).
10:10 a.m. - I text Thad a "knock knock" joke (he isn't amused). He texts me back a blonde joke. I don't understand it. He's always playing jokesies on me though. One time he even told me that he practiced with a shot clock on the floor when the shot clock above the basket broke during a game. What's a shot clock? I just did my sexy laugh in response. Anything I do is sexy. Except to Thad I guess.
10:15 a.m. - I grab a donut and check Deadspin for pics of me. I like to joke that Deadspin is like my Facebook; everybody on there stalks me. And just like on Facebook, I have another profile so that I can post great things about myself without other people knowing it was me. I check at least thirty times a day. They haven't written anything about me for two days! I better put this donut back.
10:20 a.m. - I turn on ESPN to see if they mention me. I'm just in time for that Hanes commercial with Tyrese and the white guy from Major League. Oh boy, Tyrese has really let himself go. I'd still do him. Too bad he doesn't play basketball.
10:30 a.m. - On my way to work. I always listen to the Christmas album I recorded (us hot, talented young celeb women all sing nowadays... Miley, Hil Duff, Lindsay Lohan, Vanessa Hudgens, Kelly Osbourne, Clay Aiken...) for Bret Beliema last year (he wasn't impressed). Anyways, I tried selling the Christmas album in a Jewish neighborhood, which was MY idea :-), but apparently Jews don't like Christmas! I love Christmas! Hmpf. Boo Jews.
10:32 a.m. - I get tired of listening to myself, so I turn on my Sirius radio and Justin Timberlake is playing.
10:36 a.m. - I pull the car over and change into some dry panties. J.T. makes me wet (Ed. note: true story supposedly). I always carry extras, just-in-case.
Noon - Yes, I finally get to eat. Only celery for me today. Gotta save some room for the media buffet at the Duke game on ESPN tonight. Is Duke owned by ESPN? Or is ESPN owned by Duke? Whatever the case, my paychecks are always by (a very sweaty) hand Chris Berman. He usually lingers around my desk for hours. There's nothing worse.
1:45 p.m. - I check Jenn Sterger's Twitter and see that she just got on a plane. I hope they hit a flock pigeons and are nowhere near the Hudson River...
2:30 p.m. - I meet the executives over at EA to do some voice recording for my new game "Erin Andrews Basketball 2010". It is so cute that they named their studio after me. They have a script for me to read, but I told them I always provide my own special in-game analysis. Duh, don't they watch ME? They say they have many times; that's why they want me to read from the script. Like, anyways, I don't care. I'll read whatever. MY game is going to be awesome!
4:00 p.m. - Time to head over to Cameron Indoor Stadium and walk through Kryzewskiville. They even had some J.T. music playing that we danced to for a while. I happily dance with the boys in North Carolina, but I hate how they dance in Los Angeles. I hope the pics make it to Deadspin later...
4:15 p.m. - I head over to makeup and wardrobe. I HAVE to look great tonight. J.T. may be watching. Mmm J.T..
4:16 p.m. - Changed panties again...
6:45 p.m. - After my constant demands requests, they finally got me looking like the filly I really am. Spandex pants and a small sweater (I'm a large).
6:59 p.m. - I catch Steve Lavin staring at me before the opening tip. I'll go flirt with him later.
7:30 p.m. - TV timeout. I'm supposed to listen in on the teams' huddles. I really just walk around so people can see me- and my butt- better. I have a great butt. People tell me all the time.
8:00 p.m. - It's halftime. I talked to a sneering life-size rat which turned out to be Coach K, and he told some wild story about breaking a zone. Umm, I thought we were trying to save the o-zone, not break it. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I smiled and nodded. He's awfully short.
8:05 p.m. - I repeat what Coach K told me, but this time on LIVE TV. It made sense to everyone else.
8:15 p.m. - The second half begins and a drooling Bruce Pearl has just been ejected from the game after crossing the floor in a rabid sprint towards me. Thankfully, Bobby Frasor (my other, cuter stalker) tackled him before he reached me.
9:10 p.m. - The game is over. Actually, it's been over for 15 minutes. I didn't notice, though. I always get sidetracked when I bring my mirror with me.
10:30 p.m. - I make the mistake of leaving my Dolce & Gabbana purse unattended while I walk past the Cameron Crazies. I accidentally dropped by microphone right in front of them. It was great, er, sooo embarassing OMG. As I walk back to get my purse, a man in an orange blazer is rifling through it and runs off with my panties. At first I thought it was Pat Summitt. But no. Bruce again!
11:59 p.m. - I finally get home after a long day and what do I see? Kirk in my bed with his Tebow jersey on. I love my life.
On January 13, it was reported that Stone Cold Steve Austin would be the first member of the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2009.
Yes, the founder of the moniker "Austin 3:16" is finally getting what he deserves; a place among all the other great champions of the World's Greatest Sport.
Finally, after years of battling the World's Toughest Men (yes, that includes Chyna) Austin can be with his brethren for the remainder of his life. Who else could have taken on the entire WWE, along with its owner and his entire crew, the Corporate Ministry, and come out alive?
The answer... no one.
Austin is truly a great warrior who has forged his path and also all the subsequent paths of 12-30 year olds everywhere. He is the one person that I will always fear being alone with, because when you least expect it... you will end up STUNNED!!!
A recap on Stone Cold's career: - Six time WWF Champion - Two time Intercontinental Champion (when it actually meant something) - Four time Tag Team Champion (with four different partners) - 1996 King of the Ring - Three time Royal Rumble Championship, and one time runner-up (thanks to the Rock) - 98,981 beers drunk on national television (though only about six total ounces of beer actually made it to his mouth, due to excessive bashing of cans together)
And yes, I realize that I may be the only person left to care about this, but if you played any Sega, Nintendo, or Playstation console since 1992, I can guarantee you used a Million Dollar Dream or a Stone Cold Stunner, among other finishes. I challenge anyone to find two better finishing moves than those.
All are welcome to share how the Stone Cold Stunner has influenced your life in anyway...
After a long hiatus, Orel Kornheiser is back!!! I'm terribly sorry for the delay, but I've been on suicide watch during the NFL season thanks to the tag team duo of Bob Costas and his butt dart sidekick Cris Collinsworth. Now that the Colts and Saints are out, my hands came off the revolver and are free to type again. Anyways, "Here's What's Burning Me": (copyright Jim Rome)
I'm going to have to disagree with Billynho on the issue of Milton Bradley. I am the better Monopoly player. Oh also, Milton Bradley (baseball player) is a steal.
For all the character problems Milton Bradley (video above) obviously has, the kid can swing a stick! And the last time I checked, dropping $30 million over three years to Milton Bradley, a lifetime .280 hitter with an OPS over .800 five of the last six years, is arguably a bargain. Compare it to Pat Burrell and the Cubs are getting a player two years younger with better production in a third of the games. Yes, the Cubs are taking a chance on Bradley's health, but if he only equals his production from the last two years, he is a better bet than Burrell. (Note on his injuries: there are no reported cases of injuries involving Monopoly. Just a hint for Joel Zumaya and Carlos Zambrano)
Also, if you check out the Cubs splits (insert link) from last season, it's easy to see that, as a team, they need help against right handed pitchers. The Cubs hit .274 against right handed pitchers, with a .350 OBP and .793 OPS. The ever reliable Mark DeRosa, who the Cubs reportedly shed to acquire Bradley, hit a disappointing .275 against these same pitchers and put up respectable numbers otherwise, .367 OBP and .842 OPS. Of the other three playoff teams in the NL last season, eight of the 11 pitchers who made starts were right handed.
I don't mean to dismiss the importance of DeRosa to the Cubs the last few seasons, but Bradley is clearly a freak athlete and remarkably skilled. If the oft-injured J.D. Drew can come up big in the clutch, then I don't see why Bradley couldn't do the same to take the Cubs to the next level. When Drew was 30, he had comparable numbers to what Bradley has now.
It's not outside the realm of possibility that Bradley can get some cajones and hit the Cubs through the playoffs. About this time two years ago, Red Sox fans were moaning about the acquisition of J.D. Drew. I don't see what all the fuss is about anyways. Whatever team does advance from the National League to the World Series will have to face the Dream Team a la New York Pinstripes.
We've got music, and, and videos, and a profile... and all kinds of stuff that TRUE Kornheiser's Cartelians need to check out. Real fans only.
I don't know, maybe you should come add us... then, when we confirm (we'll probably hire an intern to handle that bullshit, so not actually "we" but somebody will confirm, we promise)... post on our wall... maybe something like: "thx 4 tha add homey! i luv luv LOVE ur blog so much... i sometymz stay home on tha weekends and just refresh dat shit all nite u kno bc omg u just rock, especially dat Billynho... and The Siets, he's not bad either, but i heard he like likes Johnny Cash and Nicholas Cage movies, so he's so so not my type 'n shit, ya know? but rite hurr r muh digits, call the cell baby, okay? okay!? okay. buh-bye. u better call! mwah"
Yeah, that'd be good. That's how MySpace works right? We're gonna get, like, soooo much new traffic OMG, LOL!
Featured Game of the Week: #18 Wake Forest over #24 Florida State, 12-3
In the past, Doak Campbell Stadium has been one of the toughest stadiums in, not just college football, but in any sport. To put this into perspective, before the loss to the Demon Deacons, Bowden was 59-6-0 at home against ACC opponents.
Now, for just the second-time in school history, Florida State has lost three consecutive meetings to a conference opponent. Thank goodness that opponent was a traditional powerhouse like Miami, or Virginia Tech. Wait...it was who? Wake Forest?
No, not in basketball baby birds, but in football.
And no no no, don't go thinking Booby has lost his touch. He still loves to touch...
Anyways, the (un)lucky number for the Seminoles in this game was seven. And for once, that was not the amount of players arrested in a weekend fight. SEVEN turnovers (two fumbles, five interceptions).
They managed only 102 rushing yards. And the worst part is, Wake Forest rushed 38 times for a measly 59 yards and still won. That's 1.6 per fellas!
Florida State had possession of the ball five times in the fourth quarter, and turned the ball over how many times? Five.
Thank goodness this coach hasn't stayed on too long.
----------------
#9 Alabama over ARKANSAS, 49-14
In case you didn't know, even after they drew over 80,000 people to their spring game for the second year in a row, Alabama is back!
Former Big Ten coach Nick Saban, boosted by the depth that 2008's number-one ranked recruiting class (according to Rivals.com) provides, seems to have hit his stride in the SEC. After the dismantling of the the blue ballin' Nutt-less Arkansas (they still have the Dick), Alabama sent shivers through the rest of the conference. Granted, Arkansas was picked to finish near the bottom of the SEC in nearly all prognastications, except for Bobby Petrino's list of easiest places to make $3 million and then bail thereafter.
A part of me wants to forgive Arkansas for falling so far, so fast. Then I realize they haven't actually fallen anywhere. Three years ago, they were a four win team. Two years ago, they shocked the world with their 10 victories. Last year, despite the crazy awesome combination of Darren McFadden and Felix Jones, the Razorbacks ONLY finished with EIGHT wins. There can not have been a bigger waste of talent in the history of college football than that effort.
Wait...I forgot about Florida State, EVERY YEAR!
#13 OHIO STATE over Troy
Déjà vu for the Buckeyes.
A week after the "Trojan Suicide" the Buckeyes rebounded against yet another Trojan squad. And of course, Todd Boeckman was back to his normal form with a season-high four touchdown passes in the game.
Wait...I'm hearing that Trizzel himself benched Boeckman in favor of uber talented freshman Terrell Pryor, and that he threw for the four touchdowns.
Well, I guess I'll go on the record and say that I was wrong about Pryor, for now. I'm still thinking Boeckman is better for the Buckeyes this season though. I also thought the Bears should draft Curtis Enis and the Celtics should draft Len Bias. I guess I am just Bias(ed). Haha...err...
Arizona over UCLA, 31-10
Well, since I had to take a break from my man crush on Sammy Bradford this week, I may as well talk about how his coach's brother fared.
I have to say, Mike Stoops, the coach on the BudweiserKornheiser Hot Seat, I am really disappointed.
After witnessing the shellacking handed to the Bruisin' Bruins at the hands of the Stormin' Mormons last week, I figured we were in for another cleansing of the Neuheisel Cult. Mike and the Kitty Kats couldn't quite get it done though.
I have been and always will be a glass half empty type of guy, and a 21 point win over UCLA just isn't cutting it.
#6 LSU over #10 Auburn, 26-21
Like I hinted at earlier, generally I hate the SEC. Mainly because I am in denial about how sick they are. Then I am constantly reminded in the Forde Yard Dash every week. Which sucks.
Not the fact that I am reminded, just the Dash itself.
As I sat in Nine Irish Brothers last night trying to drink away my problems (I guess its a great way to meet chicks), I watched the final half of gameplay and...wow. Both teams were viciously fast and hit stupid hard.
Even though the final score indicates a somewhat high scoring game, these fellas played some hella D-FENCE.
Anyways, my point of view could be somewhat skewed by my intake of Boilermakers (try one out!) and ruffies (the underground Boilermakers), but if either of these two teams ends up in the national championship in January, you won't hear me complaining...as long as Ohio State is their opponent!
And last of all...
Ball State over INDIANA, 42-20
Well, once again Indiana is a disgrace to all things Big Ten. Even the bods they sent for the Big Ten Playboy shoot could have been a little more curvier, and a little less...well, fat.
In case you haven't heard, so in case you aren't from the state of Indiana, Ball State has a baller of their own at quarterback. Evidently the Indiana team was too hightoo busy to notice though.
The MAC has long been considered the "Little Ten" (by me) and when someone from the BIG Ten drops a game to them, I feel validated in saying that the said Big Ten team should be replaced by the said MAC team. It's very complicated, but I just want to make sure if there ever is another Bonzi Wells, we will get to bring him to Mackey.
Of course Nate Davis, the Ball State quarterback hero, was there to shatter any shred of confidence/ego/buzz the Hoosiers could have possibly gained after advancing to the Comcast Insight Bowl last season.
He finished with a handsome 239 yards passing and a hand full of phone numbers from the Hoosier ladies. Not a bad haul.
On a related note: The Hoosiers were not able to "Defend the Rock".
During the broadcast of tonight's Monday Night Football game, the Tony Kornheiser himself brought up a great point.
In his words, "Do you think Terrell would be thought of as a great player had he not had all the off field problems and controversies that he has had?"
Considering T.O. just passed Cris Carter for second on the all-time TD reception list tonight (and then added another one a few minutes later), I would hope so.
I have always considered T.O. as an absolutely elite receiver and my confidence in him is only bolstered by every off-the-field incident he has.
Consider tonight for example:
Philadelphia has a total of nine Pro Bowl selections in their secondary.
Terrell has three catches for 89 yards and should have another reception with another 50 yards if not for a hold on the Dallas offensive line.
He has two touchdown receptions.
AND IT'S NOT EVEN HALFTIME!
Really, when T.O. retires and I look back at his career, I'm not going to think of the suicide attempt, the drama with McNabb, or his Desperate Housewives cameo. I am going to remember how baller he was in the Super Bowl and coming back from a broken leg, courtesy of Roy Williams, and more than holding his own against a dominant Patriots team.
Oh, and his touchdown celebrations.
I mean, it goes without saying that he will be a first ballot Hall of Famer, and without some unfortunate injuries in his career he could be well on his way to breaking numerous NFL records.
Anyways, the fact that TK himself brought it up makes it an issue. Don't talk about T.O.'s shenanigans anymore, unless the ball he is signing is for you!
P.S. Oh boy, what a game, huh?!? 51 total points and the half isn't even over!
The Packers are off and running in their Post-Brett Era. With Aaron Rodgers leading the offense, the Packers are now 2-0 for only the second time in the last seven seasons. At this point, how could anyone argue that trading Brett was the right move?
The season lines so far:
Name
CMP/ATT
YDS
CMP%
YPA
TD-INT
RAT
Brett Favre
33/48
375
68.8%
7.8
3-1
104.1
Aaron Rodgers
42/60
506
70.0%
8.4
4-0
117.8
I agree with the Packer organization's decision to trade Brett. Hell, the better he does, the better they will be compensated with a higher and higher draft pick.
The one thing I hate about this saga though is how the media, specifically ESPN, will blow the comparison of these two out of the water this season and however long Favre decides to stick around.
The constant bickering back and forth of all these sports "analysts/journalists/pedophiles" is nuts. The fact that they have the audacity to call Aaron Rodgers the better quarterback is ludicrous to say the least.
Yes, Aaron Rodgers is playing very well right now. If you compare the duos stats through two games, you could argue that he is playing better than Favre.
The thing that these "experts" are refusing to acknowledge is that Favre is only about three-to-four weeks into learning the system that his new team is employing. Aaron Rodgers has had three years to get down all the intricacies of the Green Bay offense.
Another fact that must be taken into account: Brett went from a Green Bay team that just got out of a massive rebuilding campaign, with him at the helm, to a New York Jets squad currently stuck in the midst of a rebuilding project. Under new general manager Mike Tannenbaum, the Jets are starting to turn things around, though. But that takes time.
Rodgers has had the benefit of playing traditionally "soft" pass defenses the first two games. Of the 32 teams in the NFL last season, the Detroit Lions (7-9, 2007) and the Minnesota Vikings (8-8, 2007), the Packers first two opponents, finished 31st and 32nd in the league in pass defense, respectively. To take that one step further, the Lions finished dead last in total defense and gave up a league-high 27.8 points-per-game last season.
Brett Favre's Jets started the season with presumed cupcake Miami (1-15, 2007). Even though the Dolphins were within one overtime of going winless last season, they somehow managed to showcase the 4th-ranked pass defense in the NFL. He followed that game with who else but the top team in the NFL last season and Super Bowl runner-ups, the New England Patriots (16-0, 2007). The Patriots, of course, are known for not only their pass defense, which ranked 6th in the NFL last season, but also their total defensive unit, which ranked 4th in total defense. They also gave up the 4th fewest points-per-game last season at 17.1 per.
In all reality, Favre has never been the sharpest tool in the shed. No offense to him. It will take time for him to get accustomed to a new offense. The fact that he is playing so well so far this season is remarkable. You'd really have to be a great quarterback like Brett to pull this off.
And to Rodgers credit, regardless of who he has played, he has been lights out. The Packers played this all right with regards to giving their young quarterback a few years to learn the offense and understand the flow of the game more and more. Rodgers is in the mold of a Tony Romo in that he sat around for a few years and then finally gets his shot with a team full of talent around him. In Tony's case, he made a good team great. Rodgers could be that missing piece for the Packers. So far, it seems he might.
Really, the situation just reminds me of what schools are doing with the coaching transitions in the college game. If it works, why not?
Anyways, here's to another season of overblown coverage on stupid issues. Cheers!
Featured Game of the Week: No. 16 Oregon over PURDUE, 32-26
I am a Big Ten fan through and through. There is nothing better than Big Ten football. No better place to watch a football game than a Big Ten Coliseum. And Purdue has always been and will always be my go-to team, but seriously, it's getting more difficult every year. Plus the fans I sit around would unquestionably be the worst in-game coaches in history.
The big question this week going into the game was: was Purdue holding back against Northern Colorado last week? Well for the first half of the game, Purdue had so many wrinkles in its offense they made Bea Arthur look like she should have her own Neutrogena commercial.
They dipped. They dived. Hell, they even threw in quarterback-converted-running back redshirt freshman Justin Siller at quarterback for a few plays. Just like so many other teams in the nation.
Side note: What is the nation’s love affair with dual-quarterbacks now? About 15 out of the 30 teams that I saw glimpses of last night used the two shooter system. (Including both teams in this game) And it somewhat worked for all of them. My question is: how long until teams realize that the only reason the backup is brought on the field is to run? How hard can it be to stop a team that you KNOW is about to run? Another question: how many teams have to use this system before it becomes a certified cult?
Anyways, other than a few first downs here and there, even with all the trickeration, Purdue couldn't put enough distance between themselves and Oregon. The defense played absolutely lights out in the first half and they kept it up most of the game.
Purdue started off this game absolutely typical. Curtis Painter throws an incomplete pass to right side of the field (and then the crowd moaned). After that the entire first half was entirely atypical. The very next play, the formerly second-most overrated player on Purdue's team (Curtis, you'll finish first in one voting!), senior running back Kory Sheets ran down the field for an 80 yard score! Against the wind I might add. He even managed to break the first and second tackles of his career with the carry. For once, I don't feel like we have the worst running back in the Big Ten. Our quarterback however...
Speaking of...a question I posed to my dad yesterday: what do you think was the bigger waste of money; Hillary's bid for presidency or Curtis Painter's bid for Heisman?
After the score, the offense, one of the tops in the nation seemingly every year, and its Heisman candidate Curtis Painter decided to call it a day and let the defense do its thing against the 10th-ranked offense in all of college football. And for more or less the entire game, they did. Not normally known for its defensive prowess, Purdue forced four turnovers and with the exception of one big play, was damn impressive. Once again though, Curtis Painter fell apart in a big game on the big stage and our punter, with all his leg strength, managed to get ahold of every punt, except those where he actually needed the yardage. It blows my mind how he can be standing at the opponents 40 yard line every punt and somehow feel like he's got to kick it "over dem dere mountains" for a net of about 20 every kick.
Wait, our punter is one in the same with our field goal kicker? Ah, that makes sense.
To summarize: Oregon was the better team. Their defensive backs were ridiculously good, but their offense did not impress. Nor, did their uniforms.
All I've heard the past few years about Oregon was that they have three million possible uniform combinations. I have to say I'm a little disappointed. Out of all those possibilities, I get to see the single lamest one? Plain white jersey, plain green pants, white socks, black shoes. So a nationally televised game versus a (supposed) somewhat quality Big Ten opponent wasn't big enough to bring out the snazzy uniform?What's wrong Nike, did a certain event in China force you to cut back production while your workers competed? In the style of Family Guy, I haven't been this disappointed since Duane Allman decided to take his motorcycle for a spin.
It was impressive the way Oregon came out and took control of the game in the second-half though. Almost like they had someone back there giving a pep talk, an equipment manager perhaps? Well anyways, "Ducks Fly Together!" (Ah, goosebumps everytime)(By the way, the entire movie is on YouTube. How great is that!)
Not like you needed it, but more evidence that Juice has magically become a "pure-passer" over the offseason. Here's his line:
13/25, 147 yards, 5.9 yards/attempt, 1 TD, 1 INT
Impressive against any team, but moreso against a quality opponent such as Louisiana-Lafayette.
Oh, he EVEN ran for 35 yards!!!
DUKE over Navy, 41-31
Duke won?!? Wait, did Paulus finally start playing...
Nope.
NOTRE DAME over Michigan, 35-17
Why is everyone so surprised by this? What has Michigan done to suggest that this is an upset? Other than steal Purdue’s savior at wide receiver and offer him dreams of gold and riches…and maybe playing time.
Wait, Roy Roundtree did not play in the game? Really? And he would have started at Purdue? Peculiar. Anyways, good choice Roy.
And not that we need to beat on this any more than it already will be talked about, but do you think when Charlie gets his ACL/MCL surgery he'll knock out two birds with one stone and get lypo?
Or do you think that he will realize how lucky he was to have his fupa break his fall that he will choose to hold on. Plus, it's J-Claw favorite pillow.
No. 6 MISSOURI over Nevada, 69-17
Hmm...I'm thinking a player on Nevada knew the spread, laughed, then put all their money on Mizzou covering. Missouri just flat out knows how to play with the pigskin. Too bad there are so few places to place that bet in Nevada...
If Tim Tebow to Percy Harvin is awesome, then Chase Daniels to Jeremy Maclin is crazy awesome.
Speaking of crazy awesome...
No. 3 Oklahoma over WASHINGTON, 55-14
Sam Bradford is crazy awesome. I remember Billynho being sold on him after one game last season. I was a little more skeptical as I was very untrustworthy of native americans at the time (Kelvin Sampson). But, wow. Without a doubt, the best quarterback in college football.
Why no Heisman website for this guy? At least tell me he is getting hooked up with a summer job. Rhett, you know a guy, right?
Anyways, I am officially making this site the home for all things "Sam Bradford for Heisman". Hopefully Billynho and The Siets will understand...
And of course, one more game...
SAN JOSE STATE over San Diego State, 35-10
Anytime these traditional football titans meet, anything can happen. And this year's matchup was no exception. Although San Diego State came in winless, they were told by their coaching staff all week that they could pull off what would be the upset of the century.
Unfortunately, San Jose State came out swinging early and often, but San Diego State's Aaron Moore did return an interception for a touchdown! How wild.
Oh, and this one...
No. 1 USC over No. 5 The Ohio State University
Honestly, I will go on the record and say having Chris "Beanie" Wells play in this game would have made a huge difference. And by that, I don't mean Ohio State would have won. There is no way, USC is the best team in college football. And maybe the best team this century even?
Do you honestly think Wells goes down without at least three Trojans on his back even once this game? That dude is a hog. With the exception of Mike Alstott, I don't think I have ever been so afraid of any one running back. At the very least he would have been able to offer Boeckman some sort of protection.
I'm thinking if he plays in this game, the final score is somewhere closer to 20-3?
I feel bad for Boeckman. The Ohio State University fans are probably going to be all over his ass and calling for his head this week (They'll leave his midsection alone. The guy is cut.). But, there is no way Terrelle Pryor is ready to step up. I have to admit, I was impressed by him last night. When I watched him in a high school game on ESPN last year I thought he was way over hyped, but last night he showed he had balls...and speed. Damn. One thing though is that he doesn't have the greatest arm. So unless you want a 35% completion percentage, don't start him yet. Ask Illinois how that worked for them. (Don't write in complaining about how he was actually seven of nine last night, as you push up your glasses on your nose.)
One last thing... Other than Sam Bradford, there is only one other player in college football that I would guarantee draft #1 if I had the chance. Joe McKnight. He's got some mad footwork and some even crazier speed.
The most ridiculous thing about USC is that they have 10 guys just like him on offense AND on defense. Wow.
Over the last few weeks (15 days to be exact) I have patiently sat back and cried to myself. Why, do you ask? Because in that period of time I have not been graced with the treasure that is, a Jay Mariotti article...nay, a Jay Mariotti artwork.
You may say, "Well you can still watch him on Around the Horn," but that just is not the same. If anything, it makes it worse. Seeing him there...purple background...probably hanging out with fellow unemployed columnist Kevin Blackistone. It tears my heart to pieces.
Plus he's not exactly visually appealing and his voice sounds like a gremlin. (Hence the excess muting)
No, I cannot explain why Jay quit the Times, but I do know that if you take him back, you will not regret it. For he may only be four feet in stature, but if journalistic integrity were measured in height, he would be 7'6".
But he's no devil (more of an angry dwarf), and he most certainly has a cause.
Listen, Jay knows about the paper business. Maybe more than Michael Scott. And if you need to make staff cuts, wouldn't it be alot easier if you hired Jay back? He doesn't need coworkers. As a matter of fact, he hates them!
In his own words, "other reporters are jealous of him." No surprise, even this guy is jealous of him. And we all know how well things are going for him. He got beat out by this guy.
As Michael Cooke, your boss, said, "We wish Jay well and will miss him...," and he later said, "...stars come and go...". Or in this case... go and come back?
He may or may not have made those statements in a different context...
Please do not just consider bring Jay, do it. I can't take the sound of his actual voice anymore (or physical appearance). Plus, it gets in the way of looking at Stat Boy. He's so handsome.
Yours truly (and Jay's only TRUE fan... only fan at all probably),
Orel Kornheiser
P.S. If Jay doesn't answer your call, it's because phones are passé. Just leave a comment on his blog. He's probably still locked in a hotel room with a Chinese gymnast right now anyways. I think he adopted her, he's a stepdad (the weird kind, like Woody Allen). He LOVES Beijing!
With all this talk about the Chinese gymnasts finally being investigated for being too young, the Norwegian horses suspended for doping, and the U.S. relay teams being disqualified for dropping the batons, and Andre getting his headphones taken off because he's pitching too good...
I just have to know.
Would Ariel, assuming she stayed on land with her one true love, be eligible for the Olympics? She would HAVE to be a better swimmer than any human, right?
How many Gold Medals does she get if Michael Phelps gets eight? 10, 12, 20? How many are there? What nation would she swim for? Would she choose some country with ZERO swimming tradition just to humor herself? Would she get fat if she had to spend so much time on land and not having to exercise every time she moved? Would she think Tom Hanks could really attract a mermaid?
These are pressing questions that I wish Disney would answer. I smell a Little Mermaid VI!!!
Editor's Note: Do NOT look up "Little Mermaid on land" unless you want to be blasted with pictures of a naked cartoon Ariel, but if you do...I highly suggest it.
With virtually all other publications/media outlets releasing their preseason football prognostications for the upcoming season (before athletes had a full summer of potential opportunities to get caught stealing/assaulting) it is now time for Kornheiser's Cartel to release Orel's Preseason Previews, or shortly put "OPP". Why the Big Ten you ask? What other conference has this level of smashmouth, GRIND IT OUT football? What other conference has their own television network (Notre Dame DOES NOT count)? What other conference has 10 of the top 11 (exaggerated) stadium capacities in the nation (sorry Northwestern)? And finally, in the words of Barry Badrinath, what other conference can you watch and see an awe inspiring play and be obliged to yell out, "That's Big Ten Football!"?
It was easy to choose the school to kick-off our previews this year. Michigan kicked-off last season rather auspiciously with early season losses...followed by eight consecutive victories over teams, including NOTRE DAME. They hit a lull to end the season until they came up with one of the more impressive performances of any team of the season in the Capital One Bowl over Tim Tebow...err Florida.
Enough about the past, let's talk about this season!
Michigan returns 14 starters from a team that finished the season ranked, rightfully so, in the top-20 in the nation. They bring in who has to be the most dynamic freshman in the country in Terrell Pryor. He has the perfect tools that new coach Rich Rodriguez looks for in his quarterbacks. If by some fluke Pryor does not live up to the billing, sophomore Ryan Mallett, a former 5-star recruit, is there to pick up keys and go. No one can argue that this team is on its way to an unprecedented 43rd Big Ten Championship and possibly its 12th National Title.
Wait a second...the Wolverines DO NOT return their most important pieces from their vaunted offense last season and they sure as hell DO NOT return OR bring in the great Terrell Pryor or Ryan "the Human Croquet" Mallett?
Honestly, the Wolverines should be mediocre at besta although they have brought in another great recruiting class to continue their tradition of undeserved recruits (Rodriguez is a "snake oil salesman" after all). Their defense should keep games close, while their offense should run about as efficiently as Joe Pa on a treadmill.
There really is no excuse though. This program gets top-10 talent EVERY year. I don't care if you lose a few good players and one GREAT player (Mike Hart), there is no reason that they should not expect to contend for a Big Ten title every single year. You have to remember, this is a program accustomed to never living up to its lofty rankings, so this year should be different from that aspect. There are no expectations whatsoever, unless you call being a fringe top-25 team expectations for this tradition rich football academy.
In closing, they just don't have the firepower to replace the human grinder Mike Hart. I'm predicting a transition year for Michigan this year. They are headed for another measly nine wins with a fifth-place finish in the Big Ten... Only to return to their position as Ohio State's little sister next season.
Who am I to talk though? I'm a Purdue fan...I idolize anyone that's THE Ohio State University's little sister. But more on that to come!
I hate to sound Anti-American, but is there a more annoying song in the world than our National Anthem? After watching sweet Shawn Johnson smile her way to another U.S. gold in the vault finals tonight I was subjected to watching the entirety of the awards ceremony and the playing of the national anthem for what feels like the 90th time this games. Do we, the viewer, really need to watch this whole process OVER AND OVER again? Then again, it was heartwarming to see the tears of joy in Shawn's face and to know that if even for a moment, she was safe from Valeri's evil hands (See also: the lovebirds to the left). Well...and Bob Costas! And I guess as a result of the overplaying of the national anthem we are not subjected to even MORE face time for Bob Costas. Oh hell, I LOVE AMERICA AND I LOVE THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!
Editor's Note: Orel Kornheiser still hates Bob Costas...and NBC's Olympic Coverage...only a few days left...
For the past two weeks I have been in a strange place. Some sort of event is going on. Today, a kind young whipper snapper escorted me out of my bed because at my age, I no longer have the energy. Soon a young lady came to my side and began our daily routine. I wish I could tell you her name, but I don't know my own at this point in my life. Anyways, as she fed me this lovely recipe that she calls Gurbur (I think its German, but I do not care, its delicious). After I'm fed, I take a nap. When I wake up I realize that I missed "The Morning Show". I just love to see the interesting colors on the t.v. When I grew up you were lucky to have a radio in your house. Oh yes you were. Yep...yep. Another young man soon came into my room and gee golly willikers he asked me a lot of questions above motivation and inspiration. I told him about when I was young I had to walk 10 miles to school everyday. He then asked me if I had any grandkids and if they were in "my space" or something like that. I said what. He said my space. I said my space? I told him "no, they aren't in my room". He then pulled out a light from his pocket and was touching it and it changed colors. He told me he added my grandkids and they are going to meet up later. I don't know what he meant, but Oprah was on and that was all I was worried about. He then left the room and mumbled about how he "hoped my grandkids were as easily persuaded as me". I don't know his name, but he looked awfully similar to that man that is always on t.v. here. That Oprah is a really cute black woman. I like her. Everyone was racist when I grew up but I'm not, I think all kinds of people are cute. After Oprah a young girl came and wheeled me to some sort of crik. They put on my shower cap, it seemed a little tighter than usual. Yep it did... yep yep. They usually hold me when I am in the water, but today they let go. I flailed back and forth in the crik and it was really easy so I don't know why there were so many people around cheering for me but I liked it, it was good, it was the loudest cheering I'd heard since my husband came back from World War II on the plane with all the other handsome boys. He never actually came back to me though, like I said, there were many handsome boys. If those weren't the good days I reckon I don't know what were. My husband's dad was born in Dupree, South Dakota and he moved and built a house and it was beautiful and it was across the way in Mt. Rushmore and my that's the most beautiful mountain I ever did see. Ya reckon? I reckon. Yep yep... After I got finally reached some wall they gave me the prettiest silver necklace I ever did see. Right then all I wanted was to go back and watch more Oprah though. I didn't need a necklace, I'm too old to use it. Yep yep. I got wheeled back to my room and they brought me some pork chops that were the best pork chops I ever tasted in my life. My great-grandmother made fresh pork chops that I ever had when I was just a little girl. I wasn't the only one that almost drowned today though. Another little girl was in the crik today and she didn't like drowning either because she got out before I did. She may have been afraid of beavers. I remember when I was a little girl I would never get in the water because as Poppa put it, "those damned beavers dammed the damn crik". That's what he said alright. Yep yep. We didn't have air conditioning so I swam in the creek every day once I caught all those damned beavers.. We all did. We caught crawdads and we never heard of no computers and we had fun. I liked swimming. We caught crawdads and we never heard of no computers and we had fun. I like swimming. We caught crawdads and we never heard of no computers and we had fun. I like swimming. Yep yep. Anyways. She had a really pretty underwear on. Well, I have to go. I think I just stained the lining of MY underwear. I can't really see too well anymore. I made this dress myself. Yep yep.
For anyone that played NBA Tecmo 1992-93, this takes us back to a time where he was actually worth something to someone...other than his dealers.
Anyways, widespread speculation is that due to the declining power of the U.S. dollar, Kemp was forced to go to Europe to afford the addiction.
I can't say I'm not happy for him. I don't mean to say that this is awkward timing, but Sean Sutton seems to be missing a necklace...
EDIT:I apologize for any assumptions that I made in regards to Shawn Kemp needing money to afford his drugs. It turns out that he needs to money to support his colony of kids spread throughout the world.
It's been said that the sun never sets on the Kemp Family.
I have to admit. I am extremely disappointed in the Olympic coverage on the Chinese side this year. I have spent what would amount to about three days time in the last few years watching what has become a cult phenomenon "MXC".
The only reason I initially tuned into the Olympics this year was to see Guy LeDouche report on the inner workings of the Olympics (Though it did not take long to be drawn in to the amazing stories and tales spoken so eloquently by Mr. Baritone himself, Mary Carillo...err...Mrs.)!
But seriously, James Earl Jones sounds like Mariah Carey compared to that voice...
Anyways, imagine Olympic coverage where you don't have to wonder whether the host, Costas, is wishing he was the inseam on the 12 year-old Chinese girls gymnastics suit. Where Bela Karolyi is not the highlight of your night.
Hell, even the the events would be more entertaining with Vic Romano and Kenny Blankenship at the reins. Goodbye 5 mile swim, hello "Rock Hopping".
I guess what I want the most is for the gymnasts to not be the stupidest looking people on the screen. Well, other than Ian Crocker (see below)...
After watching Ian "Crockpot" Crocker get 116th place in the 100m Butterfly Final, I have to ask, does his training involve eating underwater? Eating nonstop from whatever is in the crock pot at mom's house?
It seems like Crocker's training involves more slumber parties at Derek "Coleslaw" Coleman's house with other guests including Vin "Second-Helping Taker" Baker and Jared (before Subway).
I mean, I just don't get how a CURRENT world-record holder in an event cannot get himself up for the Olympics. Even Hef gets himself up to this day!
Even worse he talked about how he wouldn't let Phelps beat him. Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day! And even he doesn't look like he could beat Crocker in a mayonnaises eating contest.
I think Def Leppard's drummer could have given him a run for his money in this race. Thank god Jeremy Schaap graced us with his lovely up-to-the-minute update on Crocker's shit talking (slash eating).
Sportscenter Live? Worst invention ever. Including child pornography. Sorry Costas.
Why thanks Billy B. for the plugs when talking about googling underage chicks. That should look great on my eHarmony.com profile (It really might!). Anyways my real concern with the gymnastics coverage is how they did not touch upon how young the Chinese gymnasts really were (Don't get any ideas Costas!!!).
I mean, I may have coached those girls' older brothers on the 10-and-under soccer team that I coached this spring, but the age of those girls competing in the Olympics is not the issue with me... although the rule clearly states that the minimum age for competing gymnasts is 15 (and turning 16 in that calendar year). And there is no way that the little mama in the diapers could even ride my tandem bike with me!
No, my real issue is...how the hell did those girls get off work long enough to compete?
My whole life I have been told and reminded of how kids in China have to work 19 hour days and that I am lucky that I have baked potatoes on my plate every meal. My problem with that logic is, those girls were not working in the "sweatshops", if they even exist...and baked potatoes suck. How am I supposed to keep up my image as a "fly guy" if the best workers in these factories are taking the week off to galavant around a mat and look like the sun is shining in their eyes the entire time. So you are not used to a well-lit workplace...SO WHAT? Eat some more vitamin-A and get over it.
AND your failure to place a gymnast gold or silver...was the 75% drop in production for your country for the week worth it? I hope so.
Anyways, one more thought before I end my night and go rest my wrist on a razor...how, with all our colleges and universities in the United States, did we get stuck with the shittiest "analysts" and "broadcasters" in the entire world? I mean, I would rather listen to Harry Caray's dead body expel stored gas on a telecast than here about how much of a distraction Tony Romo dating Jessica Simpson is to the Cowboys. Seriously? His teammates wouldn't get on that too? No? Alright well off to "shave" my arm.
Five years. It's hard to believe it's only been that long. To celebrate Erin Andrews and her first half-decade with ESPN, we're revealing EA's diary from the day of a Duke basketball game. Bruce Pearl begged us to take a look at the entry from the day of the Blue Devils' game against Tennessee. What we found was equal parts titillating and terrifying. Enjoy (thanks to Billynho and BA Barry B. for deciphering the pages):
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