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I almost cried the day he left, and I pine for the days of old every time I look at a picture like the one above. Chelsea just isn't the same without him. I'm not sure if it could be the same again, but we have to try. Bring him back Roman. The Special One... Frank... Terry... Carvalho gesticulating... Duff and Robben flying down the wings... Essien enforcing. Bring him back.
Champions League games against Liverpool and Barcelona that feel like the most important thing going on in the world for those two hours. Two weeks of build-up in the press for Manchester United match-ups. Bring. Him. Back.
Sell Florent Malouda and Didier Drogba. Sign David Villa up top and Franck Ribery for the left wing.
When the Tony Kornheiser Pimp Cartel Cartel moved from PimpsLord to its own cyberspace in August, I decided to adopt a pen name. Why? I don't know. It doesn't make any damn sense. Especially since nine out of 10 people think my real name is made up or stolen from a comic book character, and the other 10% disclose after getting to know me that they couldn't believe my name when they first heard it. It happens every time. Look carefully around the site and you'll figure out what they're havin' a laugh about. Good times.
So, back to the redundant pen name... Did I mention no one can pronounce it? Oh, I'm sorry, I only assumed readers would be familiar with the best soccer/international football player this decade. You know who I'm talking about...
You have no idea do you? Seriously? Damn.
Ronaldinho!
Still nothing?
Really? (Sigh)
Okay, let me walk you through this.
Billynho is a play on the name of Ronaldinho, who is (was) like only the most amazing footie playing wizard of our time.
It's not pronounced Billy-N-ho or Billy-and-ho (like I'm some self-professed amalgamation of myself and Paris Hilton) or Billy No.
Bill-een-yo. Say it seven times so you never forget.
Onto The Siets. Not Sigh-etts. Or See-ets. It's mono-syllabic. Seats. The Seats. The Siets. You got it. 7 times... Go.
Finally, Orel Kornheiser. Free Kornheiser's Cartel shirt to whoever can first guess what his name is a play on. Orel Hershiser and Tony Kornheiser. Looks like I win this time. Pronunciation... Oral Corn-Hize-er. That's right, seven times. I'll wait.
And if you're wondering what happened to Barry Badrinath and dave-o... So am I. They had a few good pieces back a ways didn't they? Last I heard they were off working on Wilbon's Quintuple Squadoosh somewhere. Ever since Barry hooked up with Orel's roommate (that's what everyone is saying at least...), things got a little weird. If you ever come across him in person (or more likely in the virtual world of Call of Duty 5... his handle: Corn Nuzzler), don't bother engaging him in conversation. He's not nearly as funny in person as he is in writing. Despite what Orel tries to tell you.
Under direct orders from a poor, misguided chickfriend who lives and breathes MTV and insists I do the same, I watched Bromance tonight.
And it was even worse than you're probably imagining... It was basically a bunch of twitchy little freak dudes doing things dudes should never do to gain the Broffection of another dude. One dude ran around in circles in a wrestling ring like a chick, two dudes wouldn't dude-up and go out in the sun, three dudes cried, most the dudes came across as extremely homoquestionable, and all the dudes batted their eyebrows seductively in the direction of the main dude, Brody Jenner.
There's nothing wrong with Brody Jenner, he's got the right idea. But he's got a convoluted screening process and a show full of weirdos (the best way to describe that troupe).
If I were going to be Bromanced, I wouldn't want twitchy little freaks competing to be my friend. I wouldn't care if they could catch fish, sleep in tents, or beg chicks to come to my party by bribing them with the fact that they may get to be on MTV.
No, my dude friends have to be funny (still waiting for you to live up to the hype Drew Brown), out of control (you always come through Andy), smooth with the birds (except you Matt), classy (the decanter was a nice move Zach) or smart (Ladies, have you met my friend The Siets? He's a nationally-ranked College Bowl player, you know? So am I... but you'll have to look a ways down the list.)... and most importantly, my dude friends have to like sports (no exceptions).
After a bit of thought, I've realized my ideal friends would not only like sports, they'd be involved in sports. I know a lot about sports. I spend a lot of time watching sports. And reading about sports. And talking about sports.
But I've met a lot of athletes and most don't impress me. Some definitely would.
If I were to be Bromanced by anyone of my choosing from the world of sports, I'd roll with:
5. Kobe Bryant- Firstly, finding girls would never be a problem with Kobe around. If they don't want to hang, he'll make them. Sure we might end up in the slammer for a few days... but that's a story right!? Additionally, it'd be too much fun to play H-O-R-S-E or beer pong or throw things in the trash with him around and yell, "KOBE!" as you do it.
3. Charles Barkley- Barkley is hilarious. How funny would it be to sit around with Chuck as he talks about how he is going to be governor someday!? Probably while wasted, too. Seriously? Governor? Him? Plus, as recent events have confirmed, he knows how to party. And you could get rich playing poker with him. I have to admit, though, it might be a little weird if he tattooed my name on his ass. But if it makes him happy...
2. Drew Brees- Ummm, let's see. He's a perfect person. He's the nicest guy in the world. He's the smartest guy in the NFL. He's a great teammate/friend. He's a winner. He shares. He just had a kid who will be the coolest kid in the world as he grows up. He's a living God. Like this guy. Yeah, we like him a lot on this site, okay?
Red Porsches Red Portraits Red guns, if you dare Come near The fortress Don't you dare come near the fortress *I just wanted to get that song in here somewhere.
Goal II: Living the Dream taught me that Real Madrid are the most glamorous football club in the world. Their players know how to party, have great hair, and are supposed to be good footballers.
I fell for it, just like Glen Foy fell for Santiago Munez. Go ahead, have a laugh! But at least now I know those movies were a big EFF'n joke. Hard to believe I thought they were documentaries until I read their Wikipedia entries...
Ahem, yes, back to Real Madrid. Also a joke. Why? If you read the five best football websites, you've surely heard by now that Los Merengues have tabled a January transfer bid for Jermaine Jenas. Yes, that Jermaine Jenas. The Jermaine Jenas who passes laterally or backward over 90% of the time. The Jermaine Jenas laughably compared to Steven Gerrard and Frank Lampard in yesteryear's gone by. The Jermaine Jenas who shouldn't start for Tottenham Hotspur; the same Tottenham Hotspur teetering on the brink of relegation. The Jermaine Jenas who~! You get the point.
Sounds more like a nightmare than the dream the aforementioned movies labeled the club. In recent weeks Real Madrid have been outpriced for Antonio Valencia (of Wigan!), snubbed by Jermaine Pennant (third string at Liverpool, who chose Wigan(!) over Madrid), and been told "thanks, but no thanks" by Didier Zakora (Didier Zakora!). Cristiano Ronaldo they certainly are not.
After hearing that Real was looking to add pace on the wings, the attempted swoops for Zakora and Jenas are puzzling. Clearly, there is a Tottenham bias at work. Imagine if one could meld a not-so-good winger with a Hotspur pedigree. Andy Reid? Andy Reid!
A flop at Tottenham... just like Zakora and Jenas. A coulda-been, never-was... just like Pennant. And if Sunderland ask for more than £3 million... too expensive for Real Madrid just like Antonio Valencia.
Andy Reid to Real Madrid! You heard it here first. But probably not last. Oh dear. If only Santiago Munez really was real...
(Editor's Note: Troubled by my depiction of her, Iuns sweetly volunteered to offer a differing account of her sports watching experience and an explanation as to why she never embraced football. Read on to find out which sport she did grow to appreciate! Also, if you're not convinced she's a female by appearance alone, look closely and see shoe shopping going on. And yes, those are skinny arms. Crucial...)
The more inquisitive (Editor's Note: and sexist) of you readers may be asking yourselves, what is a woman with as little sports knowledge and enthusiasm such as myself doing guest writing for a sports blog sponsored by a sporting-obsessed aficionado such as Billynho? That, dear readers, is exactly the question I will be muttering and mulling over as I type out this piece.
All issues of personal knowledge aside, I have had the honor of witnessing Billynho pursue basketball, football, futbol, cycling, cross country, and basically every other sport man has been crazy enough to invent (with the sordid exceptions of cricket and wrestling) firsthand. This would be a convenient time to mention that I happen to be the crazy ex-girlfriend mentioned on occasion. Despite the slander on my sanity, I am Billynho’s greatest fan and love nothing better than to read his articles over breakfast. Since I will assume that you readers love to do the same, I’m going to divulge some insight into his character. Firstly, the issue of his extensive knowledge in practically every faction of the sporting world demands to be mentioned. Waking up in the morning the man immediately jumped out of bed and onto his computer chair, from where he purused European soccer results. Then he would pore over LetsRun, either deriding or lauding opinions, but engrossed all the same. Next Billynho would check Fox Sports, Deadspin, ESPN, and whatever other sites he could manage before the sound of my whining became too much for him, and he had to drag his attention back to me. The moment I let my guard down, however, Billynho would escape and cycle endlessly through sports sites once again. Thinking about it almost induces irritant twitching in my right and most sensitive eye. Luckily I have excellent motor control, and we can instead move onto other issues.
One to which all sporting aficionados (I'm sure) can relate is the attempt to convince your significant other that they would become even more significant to you if they would just become as enthused about soccer/track/hockey/arm wrestling as you are. In an attempt not to stereotype, because doubtless out there in this world are sporting-lusting women strong-arming their helpless boyfriend into watching their much revered favorite sport, I will assume that “you” can be male or female. In my case, Billynho was the one who pushed me towards watching more sports. His first attempt was college football. In an ironic and crushing twist of fate, the first football game I attended was the slaughter of our beloved Purdue by the dastardly devils at Ohio State. Clearly it did not provide a fortuitous start towards my long lasting love of football. Subsequent games were slightly more interesting as he took more care to describe player biographies to me and they did not involve the destruction of my alma mater. I am going to emphasize this point: everyone loves character development. Books include it. Television series depend upon it. Why oh why, therefore, would a man think a woman would enjoy watching a sport where she knows nothing about the players? She doesn’t. Therefore supplying your significant other with a brief history of some key players is going to be the MVP move in winning their interest. All the same and despite Billynho’s best efforts, I never really gained the deeper appreciation most men seem to have for football.
Basketball, however, is a very different story. A grand total of ten players are much easier to remember than eighty, and their roles on the court are more self explanatory. Surprising amounts of success from a young and untried team also helps to add to the excitement. As the Purdue “Baby Boilers” (inane name, but you still have to adore them) clawed their way skyward in college basketball rankings, my budding love hitched a ride. Who can argue with Hummel, Martin (recently departed but instantly replaced in my heart by lewjack), JaJuan J, and E’Twaun? Certainly not I. Instead I held my breath, gasped, cheered, screamed and cursed alongside the best of them (and arguably even more than Billynho) for the entire winter.
When I debuted the list this summer, there was much fanfare and interest. What's changed since then? Manchester City has an infinite transfer budget, for one. Here's the updated list of the ten most valuable (in terms of price if sold on the transfer market) football (soccer if you're American) players in the world: 10) Michael Essien— Chelsea made Essien the most expensive African footballer ever when they purchased him from Lyon for £24 million in 2005. Despite injury this season, he'll walk right back into the starting line-up wherever he feels like playing when he's back to health.
He's a straight G and can do it all. There isn't a side in the world that he wouldn't start for.
Value: £35 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £45 million
9) Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas— I ripped Cesc pretty bad first time around, but he's growing on me a bit. He's becoming more tough in the tackle, scoring more goals, and whining less. And he's still a stupendous passer.
Compliments aside, I hate him.
What would Manchester City pay for him? £55 million
8) Valencia's David Villa- A coveted commodity to Europe's best clubs for over five years now, Villa has stepped his game up even more this season. He's second on La Liga's goal scoring charts with 13, had a great Euro 2008, and even looks to have grown an inch or so (making him a gargantuan 5'7" I believe). I still question how much better he is than a Jermaine Defoe or Robbie Keane, but Europe's elite don't seem to share my concern.
Value: £40 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £60 million apparently?
7) Real Madrid's Iker Casillas— It seems just a few years since some were questioning whether Real Madrid needed to pursue a new keeper to relieve Casillas of his duty. After allowing 13 La Liga goals in 2007-08 and (like Villa) sparkling at Euro 2008, managing directors, scouts, and that guy who announcing La Liga on Gol are all over his nuts today.
He's good, but Real is struggling this year. Anything over 30 million for a keeper seems overkill.
Value: £45 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £60 million
6) Liverpool's Fernando Torres- A case could be made that he should be a few spots higher on this list, but the fact that he tattooed his name in J.R.R. Tolkien's Tengwar script on his forearm weighed heavily against him.
Yes, he's a proven goalscorer, Euro 2008 champion, and has lovely hair, but Tengwar?
Value: £45 million
What would Manchester City pay for him?
5) Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos— I still see it. You know what I'm talking about. That something going on between Torres and Ramos. Don't you sense it? Nothing wrong that, it's cool, whatever. Two less guys I gotta compete with.
What isn't cool is their Tengwar tattoos.
Value: £45 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £55 million
4) Atletico Madrid's Sergio Aguero— El Kun is marrying Diego Maradona's daughter and has the whole world comparing him to El Pibe de Oro. Like the three men above him, he seems to have been born with a ball at his feet. He scored three goals in five Champions League group games and is an even money bet to have Real Madrid stalking him once they seal the Ronaldo transfer.
Value: £50 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £60 million
3) Barcelona's Lionel Messi— Let me just say this... Messi is very, very, very, very EFFing good. But that dude on Gol needs to calm down. During Saturday's Barcelona and Real Madrid game, the guy ranted that Messi was a (paraphrasing) "FUCKING COLLOSUS PUT ON EARTH TO SMITE REAL MADRID FANS AND PUT TEARS IN THE EYES OF HUMAN BEINGS THE EARTH OVER, WATCHING HIM PLAY FOOTBALL IS AKIN TO WATCHING BEETHOVEN WRITE HIS SIXTH SYMPHONY. HE'S NOT A MORTAL, HE SHALL BE AROUND TIL THE END OF TIME AS A GIFT FROM THE GODS TO BE CHERISHED AND CELEBRATED AND WORSHIPPED, AMEN!"
Value: £65 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £100 million
What would the guy on Gol pay? Stack all the gold, frankencinse, myrrh women, and women in the history of the world... then double it.
2) AC Milan's Kaká— Behind the angelic baby face and devotional undershirts lies the holy grail of modern midfielders. Kaká blends track speed, surprising power, and ridiculous skill.
He's consistently productive for both club and country, a rare scandal-free star, and still just 26 years old. He's had a quiet season, but who doesn't love Kaka?
Value: £60 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £85 million
1) Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo— The best player in the world (right now), Ronaldo is a master dribbler, shooter, and diver.
In 2007-08, he scored 42 goals in 48 games in leading Manchester United to a Premier League and Champions League double.
Before stumping up the transfer list price for Ronaldo, Madrid and Manchester City should remember that two years ago Ronaldinho would've been atop this list at £100 million. Of course, Ronaldinho never outran a Bugatti. My bad.
As long as he keeps the trash talking, winks, and penalty kicking to a minimum, he may just be worth the investment.
Value: £70 million
What would Manchester City pay for him? £120 million
Still just falling short (hehe)— At age nine, the 4'6" wunderkind next-Pele, next-Maradona, next-Ronaldinho, next-Freddy Adu became an overnight Internet sensation.
Videos of him popping the keeper (who couldn't reach the crossbar jumping), dribbling through players as if they hadn't fully developed their leg muscles yet, and celebrating each of his 10 goals a game like they were World Cup game-winners flooded YouTube.
At the time, it was purported that Chera was the best U-14 player in all of Brazil. Santos may have mined a metaphorical golden talent. But probably not.
Also considered: Bojan, Petr Cech, Micah Richards, Wesley Sneijder, Robinho, Franck Ribery, Wayne Rooney, Gianluigi Buffon, Karim Benzema
Little Scoonie Scudderson of Birmingham, England, died at eight years old in early 2006 when a Kanshaku crawled into his liver. Luckily, doctors discovered the mythical 16th century Japanese bug fighting its way toward little Scoonie's chest cavity and let him know that he had one month to live.
At first, it sucked. Little Scoonie cried... and cried... and cried some more. Who wants to die at age eight, right? Then, the Make A Wish Foundation called and said they were going to make Scoonie's last, er, dream come true.
"Hooray!" croaked the boy (talking was hard, what with the angry creature inside him chomping organs constantly), and he thought to himself, "This Kanshaku is the greatest thing that ever happened to me!" and a big smile broke out on his face.
The Make A Wish people had never seen someone so excited about dying, and so they asked the little boy, "What'll it be kid?" Little Scoonie smiled, winked at himself in the mirror, and confidently whispered, "Could, could ya, could ya please make sure Aston Villa qualifies for the Champions League next season?"
The Make A Wish Foundation people looked at one another, nodded solemnly, then bursting out laughing!
"No one told me this boy was retarded?"
"Out of the question!"
"Impossible!"
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL DIE NOW KID!"
And Little Scoonie did die. Right that second.
But his last wish lived on. Or so the story goes that Martin O'Neill heard of Little Scoonie and his impossible request and vowed to himself that he would make that little boy's wish a reality in his honor. True to his word, everything he has done at Aston Villa has been nothing short of miraculous.
With a squad long on young, potential stars made good and veteran retreads rejected by Europe's elite, and short on big name, big money signings, O'Neill has hauled Aston Villa up to table to where they sit today... one point off Arsenal for fourth place in the Premier League. The December 26 meeting between the two should be the most intense game of the first half of the season.
In just over two years, O'Neill has transformed Aston Villa regular Gareth Barry into England regular Gareth Barry, a level he'd been short of for almost five years prior; cast a spell on Ashley Young, manipulating him into an England hotshot preferred over Aaron Lennon and David Bentley on the wing; and concocted one Gabriel Agbonlahor, arguably his Magnum opus, the nation's top prospect for the future.
In a league that has become depressingly staid, overhyped, and ridiculous, he's a refreshing, down-to-earth figure that promises little and delivers large. One has to wonder whether Villa would be fighting for first, rather than fourth, if he'd spent like folly fiends Tottenham.
Alas, it was a miracle Scoonie demanded, and only Little Scoonie would've believed that Martin O'Neill could do so much with so little.
Now if only some eight year old Leeds fan were to be about to die with a commensurate wish... then we'd all be REALLY impressed Martin.
Once again, Spice Boy David Beckham is rumored to be looking to be the special ingredient for a world-beating recipe. How'd those last few concotions turn out?
When England caretaker manager Peter Taylor appointed Beckham captain of the England national team in 2000, it was with the thought that he might lead the squad to a golden era of football. Instead, the squad was booed for the majority of his tenure, and the team failed to advance past the quarter-finals of his two World Cups in the armband.
When Real Madrid bought Beckham in 2003 (per the terms of the Galactico theory of football management), they envisioned him as the final piece to the greatest team ever assembled. Instead, Madrid failed to advance as far the Champions League Final in his time with the club, and Becks became the poster-boy for the modern footballer more concerned with fame than football.
When the Los Angeles Galaxy awarded Beckham with an incentive laden contract worth up to $250 million over five seasons last summer, they proclaimed that he could make Americans care about soccer, put the MLS on level footing with American football, and lure more stars to the States. Instead, Americans still don't even know when the MLS is in season, the MLS is still trying to claw its way to the fourth-tier of the world's football leagues just behind the Eredivisie, and a 31-year-old Juan Pablo Angel is the next most relevant non-American signing by the league.
So a logical man might think that Beckham should stop looking for challenges. But he'd be wrong. It's time once again for Beckham to (attempt to) swoop to the rescue of a faltering football faction in the spotlight; this time, it's Tottenham Hotspur in dire need of help.
Spurs, despite their reputation for underachieving, have really outdone themselves and are currently languishing in last place in the Premier League. The club's summer transfer moves have left Tottenham with an unbalanced squad, strong on the wings, weak in the middle and up top.
Ever since Tottenham greedily buckled and pawned Michael Carrick off to Manchester United for a massive profit, they've lacked a fulcrum in the center of the pitch. They've tried a series of midfielders in the center of the park, but all have yet to grab the game by the scruff of the neck and supply the rest of the squad.
Enter Beckham. Two overlooked, improved aspects of his game as he's aged are his tackling ability and his toughness. Spurs are in desperate need of each everywhere on the park. Combine those with his world-class passing ability, leadership, ballhandling, and experience, and he may be capable of shifting inside and excelling at the Premier League level. Fair questions would be raised about his pace and positioning, but if Lasanna Diarra is fast enough and Joey Barton smart enough to excel inside, Beckham will be just fine.
Could it happen? Yes. But it's hard to say if it's realistic. The Galaxy may be happy to let Beckham walk after the failed experiment; even if they're not thrilled at the thought of Beckham leaving, one gets the sense that it was understood from the beginning that Becks could leave after a few seasons if he so desired.
So I believe it'd be up to Tottenham. They tend to focus on signing youth, but two factors play in favor of the duo forming an unforeseen pair. One, Tottenham is desperate. They felt they might be on top of the table at this point, not embarassingly seated at the bottom. Secondly, Daniel Levy is all about money and adding the highest profile player in the world could only help the bottom line.
And if the move goes down and doesn't pan out, it's still not all bad. The journos and tabloids will already be in position watching Golden Balls' every move when Juande Ramos finally gets the ax. Of course, here's guessing he still won't have learned English by the time that happens. Unless they sign Beckham.
Rarely does it make sense to propose that one of the greatest footballers in one of the greatest footballing nations move from the greatest club in his great footballing country to a perhaps-not-so-great club in the greatest league in the world. Have I confused everyone yet? Great!
What I'm trying to say is that it's nigh past time for (the great) Lukas Podolski to move to the English Premier League already. If you're not familiar with the Bundesliga, you might be saying, "Why-why-WHY the hell should he leave Germany? He's a national team fixture, he plays for the best team in the country, and some Americans know who is- they don't know anyone!- so he's getting plenty of exposure."
All valid points with stronger counter-arguments. Yes, he's a national team fixture and Bayern Munich writes his paychecks. But Bayern is merely a sugar daddy for Podolski; he doesn't get a chance to work for that money. He rarely gets a game, and when he does it's out of position. He's a world superstar because of his insane 31 goals in 52 appearances for Germany, not anything he does for club. He scores just one in five games for Bayern... in other words, with less regularity than former Bayern midfielder and Germany fringe-player Mehmet Scholl. Could casual football fans even pick Scholl out of a police line-up?
Podolski has proven to be undeniably world-class. He's sound technically, has a powerful shot that he can get off quickly, is impossible to contain one-on-one (he terrorized Portugal/Chelsea right-back Jose Bosingwa, possibly the world's best at that position, at Euro 2008), and is a true match-winner. He should be building his legacy at both club and country, not just one.
Moving to England, where there would be no shortage of suitors, would put Podolski on display in the world's greatest league every week- rather than its greatest stage for one month every four years at the World Cup- and make him lots of money. Money isn't everything in life, so also sweetening the pot is the fact that there are about five top-half sides that he could walk into and become the main playmaker, never having to worry about playing time again. The owners of Everton, Aston Villa, Tottenham, Manchester City, and, perhaps, Arsenal, would dig under the couch cushions- or more typically just drill some more oil- to find the funds to procure Poldi.
Whether the world next notices him smashing the Gunners through to the semi-finals of the Champions League or scoring the decisive goal for the underdogs in the Manchester derby, I'd just like to notice him in something other than white.
He's one of the game's greats and deserves the chance to prove it unequivocally.
I was reading The Offside and came across the news that Landon Donovan is once again cogitating about a move to Europe. Seems Landon reckons he could breakthrough this time around. And he thinks Ron Artest will stay on his best behavior with the Houston Rockets, Kwame Brown will become an NBA All-Star with the Detroit Pistons, Floyd Landis really was clean, and Matt Millen is a hot GM candidate.
Donovan's got classy cleats; when he's on his game, he's a quicker Tim Cahill. But the old adage "form is temporary, class is permanent" doesn't apply to him. Too often, the evidence of that God-given talent is fleeting. Why? Donovan's fragile on-field psyche suggests to me that he plays while coming down from coke highs (supported by the fact that he was recently teammates with Abel Xavier).
No, I sincerely hope Donovan does move to Europe in January. Cahill's Everton might actually be an ideal landing spot since they're so thin, but I think he's built for La Liga, where defenders aren't as physical.
I want to believe he'll take the continent by storm this time around, but I've lost my innocence. Just as I'd never sign Stephon Marbury (or let him in the back seat of my car), I probably wouldn't sign Donovan. But I'd love to be the Mel Kiper Jr. to his Chris Spielman and watch him become the world class player that I don't think he is.
I wish the movie Back to the Future was real, don't you? I simply cannot bear to wait five years for the 2013 Champion League group stages. By that time the scores of wunderkind next-Cristiano Ronaldos, next-Messis, next-Kakas, and next-Zidanes will all have surely put paid to all that potential (note: English football will continue to lag til scouts locate the next-Titus Bramble and Carlton Coles, who were the next-Sol Campbell and Alan Shearers, respectively). Life mirrors the old Football Manager games you see.
If you believe the Daily Mail, which I typically don't, Chelsea and Arsenal are locking hor~ er, checkbooks, in pursuit of the next-Ronaldinho. 14-year-old Gerard Deulofeu is the teen idolized today. If you're not impressed, don't fret my fellow football fan... Jean Carlos Chera will be arriving on the scene any damn day now.
After painstakingly distancing myself from any soccer or mainstream sports site that I feared would reveal the result of the Manchester United vs. Chelsea battle, I finally got a chance to watch the game for myself on DVR at 1 A.M..
I have to say that I was a bit disappointed, not just because I'm a fan of the Blues. The game was more open and fast-paced than recent affairs between the rivals, but Deco missing with an injury and Ronaldo not coming on til the second half removed some anticipated aesthetic appeal. Still there was the debut of Dimitar Berbatov for Man U, Alex Ferguson's first attempt to outwit fellow footballing genius Luiz Felipe Scolari, and Wayne Rooney managing to stay on for a full 90 minutes despite a card happy referee.
Here are random bits of insight I gleaned from the game:
The first 15 minutes saw a back-and-forth high paced hectic pace with each team on the attack. The highlight was a ridiculous looping volley by Rooney attempting to chip Petr Cech that narrowly missed the goal.
Manchester United scored soon afterward following a spectacular team move consisting of a string of about six first touch passes culminating in a Ji-sung Park rebound goal. Park is oft-overlooked (a racially insensitive friend of mine calls him "that Chinese guy on Manchester United who never does anything") , but I have a lot of respect for him. He's constantly moving on the field, tracks back and gets forward at full speed, and never shies away from physical contact. It's hard to think of a comparable player to Park, but maybe Mikel Arteta?
United controlled much of the rest of the half, with Chelsea surging late, but never really threatening.
The second half was all Chelsea thanks to John Obi Mikel and Frank Lampard. Soon after I scribbled down that Mikel was having a quiet game and didn't seem to be quick enough to keep up with the world-class athletes on the field, he not only stepped up the pace, he took over. His passing improved and became more adventurous, his one free kick was perfectly taken and led to an easy goal for Salomon Kalou, he stuffed Cristiano Ronaldo on multiple occassions one-on-one, and he was an excellent aerial deterrent to United's attack, especially crucial after Ricardo Carvalho went off injured in the first half.
Lampard's game was subtle, but extremely effective. He never found the space to make marauding 20-yard dribbles from the center line, but he alleviated pressure on teammates with excellent first touches, possession, and passing. He rarely gave the ball away and was strong in the tackle. Lamps wasn't flashy, but his second-half steady play inspired the whole side. Didier Drogba came on late and looked like a black Andy Reid... or put more simply, pretty fat. He should take a cue from Mido and lose a few stones, and stop there when it comes to emulating Mido.
Nicolas Anelka whiffed badly from three yards out after a perfect Joe Cole cross when it would've been easier to score. I'm thinking he's not Chelsea quality. I hear Spurs need a striker...
Jonny Evans had a quiet, impressive day. It's hard to believe he's just 20 years old. I don't see United missing Nemanja Vidic if Evans plays like that every game.
And Cristiano Ronaldo, the 130 million quid man... He's clearly not all the way back from his injury yet as he tried to take every Chelsea player one-on-one and was stuffed basically every time. This fan of beautiful football hopes his form improves and he lights up the next match-up between these two top-of-the-table sides.
Four goals in four games have put the Premier League on alert, and, assuming Dr. Evil Daniel Levy has heard, Damien Comolli is probably being tortured in the bowels of White Hart Lane for not bringing Egyptian Amr Zaki to Tottenham. Zaki's start has been branded shocking, alarming, astounding, dumbfounding, flabbergasting, miraculous, and Bobby Zamora-like. All fallacies.
Sure Zamora had his own run of five goals in four games to start the 2006-07 season, but even a coyote catches a roadrunner now and again. Zamora's international record reads 6 U-21 appearances, 0 goals, 0 honors received, and reminds us all that the roadrunner always gets away.
Zaki's: 48 appearances, 29 goals, twice African Nations Cup champion, named to 2008 African Nation's Cup Starting XI.
He's got an accurate low shot reminiscent of Samuel Eto'o, his build is comparable to Robbie Keane, he's got deceptive moment that allow him to dribble by defenders despite lacking high-end quickness, and he can score off headers.
Don't expect him to stay atop the Premier League scoring charts, but Zaki could score around 20 Premier League goals for Wigan Athletic this season and cement his reputation in the class of Roque Santa Cruz and Dean Ashton, above the group of Andy Johnson, Peter Crouch, Emile Heskey, and Darren Bent. Assuming rumors that Wigan do not have an option to buy him in the summer are true, a bid of £15 million pounds from a Champions League wanna-be wouldn't surprise me.
Watching Chelsea hammer/pummel/run circles around Bordeaux in the first half of the Champions League opener for both sides, I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen this before.
The free-flowing themed football, the extended sets of one-touch passing, the dominant midfield defense, the penetrating dribbles from deep in midfield, the 2-0 halftime lead that would've been five with the presence of a clinical finisher, and the unrelenting search for more goals yet.
Luiz Felipe Scolari has turned Chelsea into what Roman Abramovich always dreamed: Manchester United.
Chelsea have always had the capability to dominate games from beginning to end, but schematically Jose Mourinho was much more conservative. This led to Chelsea's current group of players being slighted by fans and pundits, when really it was the system that made them look like solid, efficient grinders instead of creative, entertaining geniuses.
The additions of Deco and Jose Bosingwa certainly have helped; Deco's passing and movement lend themselves to imaginative football, and Bosingwa's crossing against Bordeaux put long-time Chelsea first-choice target Dani Alves to shame.
But it has been Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, and Michael Ballack who have taken to the tactical nous of Scolari more quickly than Blues fans should have expected.
Should this hold up and teams continue to fail to adjust to Chelsea's new tempo, expect the Blues to emulate not just Manchester United's tempo, but also their achievements by bringing home a Premier League and Champions League double in 2009.
Sadly, times are hard for sports bloggers. BallHype lists over 1,700 sports blogs. Bill Simmons is back writing again. Rick Reilly joined the fray, and let me tell you he is HILARIOUS!!! LOLZ OMG...
Competition for Ad-Sense clicks is at an all-time high. To get those, we have to get views. Sure I could come on here and type BRITNEY SPEARS, or LINDSAY LOHAN, or ANGELINA JOLIE's BABY, or BEYONCE'S BOOTY, THAT GIRL FROM THE HILLS, or RuPAUL, you know, whatever you're into (apparently the average person is into 16-year old gymnasts that run like bulldogs, because a sad but true fact is that the number one way people found our site from Google was by searching "Shawn Johnson nude"), but I like to think we're above ever doing that.
Still, I'm willing to meet the average American halfway from time-to-time. Here I present to you a girl most of you have probably never seen or heard of, but someone entrenched in the sports scene in England.
England and Chelsea midfielder Joe Cole's WAG everyone. Joe Cole's girlfriend, Joe Cole's wife, the difference may not matter to me or you, but having both of those phrases linked to us on Google may make all the difference in the world to our site.
Carly Zucker is her name, I think. Does it really matter?
Emile Heskey is a no-talent Championship striker, not an international footballer. At least not for a nation that aspires to make the World Cup. I know that's a facteveryone can agree on.
Unfortunately no one can agree on anything else when it comes to the most booed team in the world... the England national football team, except for the fact that they suck, they're wankers, and they're boring as hell.
Lucky for all, I'm here to quell the storm with a perscription to cure their ails and answer any questions.
England EFF'n sucks because their talent is overrated, isn't it? In a word, yes. Five Premier League sides possess better strikeforces, and about 15 have better goalkeepers.
But that's not to say they lack world-class players. Unfortunately, the ones they have all overlap in defense and midfield.
Rio Ferdinand, John Terry, Ashley Cole, Wayne Bridge (yes, him), Micah Richards, Frank Lampard, Joe Cole, Steven Gerrard, Owen Hargreaves, and Wayne Rooney are all among the best in the world at their positions. At least it's fair to assume so based off of the integral role they play for the best club sides, and their price tags on the transfer market.
Bloody hell! Are we at least good enough to make the World Cup or will we be embarassed again? Qualifying should be easy enough now that playboy Sven has flowing off to Mexico with his tips on dealing with the birds, and Steve McClaren did everyone a favor by falling off a cliff (That is what happened, right?... I honeslty can hardly remember the guy, thankfully.).
Fabio Capello needs to right their wrongs. He can do so by taking a page out of the books of Jose Mourinho, Rafa Benítez, Sir Alex Ferguson, and, now, Luiz Felipe Scolari.
The aforementioned quartet, led by the Special One, have sparked a philosophical trend with emphasis on defensive midfielders and creative central midfielders the last few years.
Luckily, England has both in spades.
Chelsea, Liverpool, and Manchester United have thrived with diminished width and one striker up top. That fits England's personnel perfectly. Isn't coaching about making the most of what you've got?
Then what is England's "Winning Eleven?" Most importantly, it starts with anyone but Paul Robinson at goalkeeper.
A line of Richards, Terry, Ferdinand, and Cole at the back is proven, athletic, and offers more offensive firepower than most national teams can come up with.
As relayed above, Chelsea and Liverpool have demonstrated two defensive midfielders can work together. Gareth Barry and Hargreaves are good ones.
A three-man attacking midfield of Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and Wayne Rooney looks impressive on paper and must work. Each make great runs through the box, can pass, get back on defense, and play with a bit of flair. Rooney is always slotted as a forward, but he's proven incapable of playing alone on an island a la Didier Drogba.
Stop right there! Where's the width? Barry, Gerrard, and Rooney all like to roam into space. If everyone is centralized, I'd argue that it'll allow them more room to pick their spots and effectively sneak outside from time-to-time.
Chelsea manage this trick with a five-man midfield of John Obi Mikel, Lampard, Deco, Michael Ballack, and Joe Cole. Liverpool wanted to play with Javier Mascherano, Barry, Gerrard, Ryan Babel, and Yossi Benayoun, before going traditional with Robbie Keane. A quintet of Barry, Hargreaves, Lampard, Ballack, and Rooney is at least their equal.
Striker please! Bleh. Yuck. Tavaris Jackson-like slim pickings here, and there really is no right answer.
Michael Owen cannot be relied on, Peter Crouch looks disturbing out there, Alan Smith is another Emile Heskey, Andrew Johnson has speed, but little else, Theo Walcott doesn't even play striker (let alone play typically) for his club, and Gabriel Agbonlahor is a few years away.
True, true. So we're left with Jermain Defoe, Dean Ashton, and Darren Bent. In other words, no matter who England select, Italy, Spain, Brazil, Argentina, the Netherlands, and Germany have five better options.
That shouldn't depress the British, though, because Portugal similarly lacks Champions League quality strikers, yet seemingly everyone picks them to win every tournament they're in (including this dumbass writer).
David James Richards, Ferdinand, Terry, Cole Hargreaves, Barry Lampard, Gerrard, Rooney Ashton? Looks pretty Chelsea to me... Exactly! Lampard and Gerrard can focus on offense only with that imposing six-man defense behind them. If England manage to score first, they can pull back and grind out victories as per the trend in club football these days.
Or they can play Heskey, lose to Croatia, and eventually miss out on World Cup 2010 while a nation boos... and boos... and boos. And boozes.
Why can't a middle East oil oligarch just buy the England national team and pimp it out with Igor Akinfeev, Dimitar Berbatov, Robinho, Kaka, and Fernando Torres?
Couple quick links to help get you through this mundane slate of college football games:
A tidy summer transfer recap from Norman Hubbard. Sunderland's next expenditure was greater than Chelsea, Arsenal, Manchester United, and Tottenham's combined. [ESPN Soccernet]
Cornrows has the scoop on Danny Granger's trip to Indonesia. I wonder where Jamaal Tinsley took a goodwill trip to this summer? [Indy Cornrows]
Our old friend Usain Bolt ran a ridiculous 9.77 seconds 100 meters yesterday in poor conditions (cold, wet, headwind). [The Telegraph]
Stephen A. Smith says white dudes who play fantasy sports are nerds. I believe him, because he obviously knows nerdy. I doubt Marshawn Lynch begins every sentence with "quite frankly." [Joe Sports Fan]
Make sure you read the comments after this hilarious post by Ken Tremendous roasting Rick Reilly. They're even funnier than the piece. [Fire Joe Morgan]
As the Premier League season’s third weekend closes, fans are left with much to ponder…
£6 million for Luke Young? WTF
How many Zaki Bombs will Wigan be treated to this season? How much profit will they reap off of him next summer?
After Mido’s tantrum, is it any wonder he and Hossam Ghaly are best friends?
Whatever happened to Hossam Ghaly?
On the topic of former White Hart Lane stars, how long until Ledley King’s knee finally falls off?
£6 million for Luke Young? Hahahaha!
Not every player is a wreck, though. Here I present the five most valuable players in the Premier League, the five players who would be the hardest to replace in the event of injury. Not the best, not the most expensive, mind you, but you get the point.
5) Roque Santa Cruz – Take a look at Blackburn’s roster. How the eff did they finish seventh last season!? David Bentley certainly helped. But without Santa Cruz’s 19 goals in 36 Premier League games and the attention he drew from defenses, Blackburn might’ve faced a relegation scare. We might find out how Blackburn cope without him if Manchester United don’t solve their striker quandary by January.
4) Joleon Lescott – Everton are scary thin throughout the squad, especially at the back where Lescott played well enough to win the club’s Player of the Year award last season. The loss of his eight Premier League goals and steady defending could well leave Everton extremely vulnerable if Cahill and Arteta can’t stay healthy this season. Bottom six vulnerable, perhaps.
3) Cesc Fabregas – While an injury to him would make Arsenal exponentially more likeable, and be hilarious because he would undoubtedly cry for days afterwards, Arsenal can ill afford to lose their fulcrum/poster-boy after seeing Hleb and Flamini depart already this offseason. Of course, I would have thought the losses of Henry and Vieira would’ve hurt them worse.
2) Ricardo Carvalho – No way he’s more valuable than JT? Read this. Over the last two seasons, Chelsea has gained almost a point more per game with Carvalho, than without him. They’ve actually been worse with Terry in the line-up than when he played. Shocking… Carvalho does the little things to get into opponents heads. Wayne Rooney can attest to that.
1) Cristiano Ronaldo – The most talented player in the world, the most effective last season, and the leader of the best team, we’ll find out how much Manchester United misses him while he nurses an ankle injury. Here’s guessing hair gel and goals will be hard to find at Old Trafford without No. 7.
As a fairly recently converted (now rabid) international football fan, it was hard to find good sources of news on football transfers, match analysis, and manager mind-games at first. Now three years into my obsessions with Chelsea and Tottenham (That’s right, both. I don’t follow the convention that you have one team and stick with it. Imagine if you were a Leedsfan…), I’m up on more transfer rumors than I can handle.
I’m mostly interested in Premier League football, but I do check up on the rest of Europe, too.
Probably the first place most Americans go, the good is that when a signing is reported on Soccernet, it’s official. Also, they do a good job posting relevant links that cover most Premiership news. The bad? The editorials are relatively poor and infrequent, and transfer rumo(u)rs are ignored for the most part.
The best thing about Goal’s international football coverage is the sheer quantity of news available. The dealings of the Italian, Spanish, French, and English leagues are exhaustively reported, but like ESPN, editorials are poor and not focused. Goal is mostly an AP regurgitater.
The Times has great post-match content and sums up the Premier League transfer market well. Their site is cluttered and oft-not updated for hours, and their team pages are pretty damn weak.
Daily Mail Football is hilarious literally and unintentionally. About five times this summer, the Mail has reported officially that Kaka’s transfer to Chelsea is done, Ronaldinho was on his way to ManCity, and Shevchenko is still the best player in the world. While the Mail is not to be trusted, no site provides more compelling transfer rumors, and the Hatchet Man and Insider provide superb commentary on the English game.
The Guardian’s clean lay-out, dependable reporting, daily editorials, and unrivaled excellent post-match reports are all top-class. But the best features of Guardian Football are the daily Rumour Mill (The Fiver is not bad either) and minute-by-minute match commentary. No one “bangs it” in the rumour mill as uproariously as Tom Lutz, and I’ll refresh his minute-by-minutes during matches, too. Paolo Bandini, Paul Doyle, and Barney Ronay crack me up with their clever prose and impress me with their footballing intelligence as well.
Got some favorites of your own? Think I'm missing some? Let me know in the comments section...
While most top football pundits have been fingering Tottenham as a threat to reign in the Premiership’s Big Four, ManchesterCity has quietly and quickly emerged as a menace to the dominance of Chelski, Man U, Arsenal, Liverpul.
Their (re)acquisition of (the surprisingly just 26 years old) Shaun Wright-Phillips has the potential to put them among the elite.
A quick look at their squad reveals a surprising amount of talent, mostly young.
In defense they are deep and talented. Micah Richards is the envy of every club in the world, Richard Dunne is a fierce leader that has drawn bids from top rivals, Vedran Corluka is coveted by Spurs, Tal Ben Haim just arrived from Chelsea, Vincent Kompany has world-class potential, and Michael Ball, Javier Garrido and Nedum Onuoha provide quality depth.
Further up the pitch, they are strong on the flanks. Wright-Phillips and Martin Petrov are elite match-winner types.
In the middle, Elano was considered one of the league’s best last season before his performances petered out due to supposed fatigue. Beside him, Michael Johnson has reportedly drawn bids from Arsenal and is phenomenal at age 20, regardless. Stephen Ireland is a capable, young (22 years old) backup.
Up top is where City’s season will be made or broken. Jo’s price tag suggests that he will be a 20+ goals a season scorer, but many question that. Valeri Bojinov arrived with a big reputation, but injuries decimated his first Premiership season. Darius Vassell and Bejani has confirmed in their time in England that they lack the quality to be relied upon as consistent goalscorers.
Perhaps the most promising addition to the club is none other than manager Mark Hughes. Hughesy did a laudable job at Blackburn and steadily improved the club with little net expenditure. Benni McCarthy, David Bentley, Stephen Warnock, and Roque Santa Cruz can all thank him for taking their careers to the next level.
If he can do the same with the talent in Manchester, City may make the toughest leap in football… from Premier League also-rans to Champions League spoilers.
The following line-up may just be one elite goalscorer away:
For the third summer in a row, Tottenham is boldly proclaiming its ambition by splashing out as much cash as any team not owned by a Russian oligarch or Thai human rights abuser.
This time, though, Tottenham means it when they say they're after a top-four finish in the Premier League and the automatic Champions League qualification that comes with it.
This summer they have a world-class manager that has already led a formerly second-tier club to that stage (Juande Ramos with Sevilla), a seemingly limitless budget from which to draw funds for transfer buys (as Daniel Levy looks to drive up the club's value before selling), and are coming off a confidence boost from their first trophy in nine years (the Carling Cup in February over Chelsea).
The milieu may finally be right for Tottenham and their fans to discover what the elite of Europe already know: Georg Frideric Handel's "Zadok the Priest" may be good on the first few listens, but by the quarter finals you wish you were deaf.
After the 2007-08 season there was still much work to be done before Spurs fans could be privy to torture by Handel during Champions League telecasts; Tottenham finished a pathetic 11th in the Premiership last season, 30 points off fourth place Liverpool.
Spurs scored a healthy 66 goals (fifth-most in the Premier League), but surrendered a sickly 61 (also fifth-most in the Premiership). In the last three seasons, the Big Four of Chelsea, Manchester United, Arsenal, and Liverpool have had a goal differential of greater than 30 every season.
That needs to be Tottenham's target. The improvement needs to extend from the goalie all the way up to the midfield.
Tottenham got a jump-start by improving their defense with January purchases of right-back Alan Hutton, center-back Jonathan Woodgate, and left-back Gilberto.
Modest improvement was noticeable towards the end of the season as they allowed an average of one goal per game over the last six Premier League contests, but more must be done.
Entering the summer Tottenham clearly needed a new goalkeeper as Paul Robinson's confidence (and fans' confidence in him) was completely shot, a stronger midfield that could control the flow of the game, and more defensive options since their back four is as injury-prone as any in all of Europe.
The massive turnover in store got off to a quick start. I'll take a look at what has already transpired, and what Tottenham can do to take the step up to the riches of the Champions League.
Transfers-In this summer
GK Heurelho Gomes: £7 million. Gomes fills Tottenham's biggest need in providing a world-class keeper between the posts. He may not be better than Petr Cech, Edwin van der Sar, Pepe Reina, or Manuel Almunia, but he doesn't give much up.
He has Champions League experience, he posted clean sheets in over 60 percent of his matches for PSV, and the price wasn't bad at all.
AMF Giovani dos Santos: £4.7 million. Dos Santos is a paradox. He's exactly what Tottenham need, yet he's exactly what they needed to stay away from.
For the last half decade Spurs' transfer policy has been to bring in young future stars, develop them, then reap the profits. It worked with Michael Carrick, Paul Robinson (for a while), Tom Huddlestone, Gareth Bale, and Aaron Lennon, but the squad is still littered with names of failures that resulted from the same policy with Hossam Ghaly, Kevin Prince-Boateng, Anthony Gardner, and Benoît Assou-Ekotto a few examples.
Dos Santos brings elite-level potential and a creative style of play, but he isn't polished or proven at this point. Is he as good as who Arsenal and Liverpool will be starting this season? No, and that should be the goal.
He was a bargain, though, for his talent, and he is an upgrade over who Tottenham already have. Just don't expect him to appear in the Premier League's Team of the Season for a few years.
AMFLuka Modrić: £16.5 million. Modrić was a great signing that shows the impact Ramos can have for Tottenham. A great manager can help elevate a club both on and off the field.
Modrić had a lot of options, and he stated that the opportunity to be developed by Ramos tipped the scale in Tottenham's favor.
Modrić is good enough to play for any side in Europe, he can provide creativity and unpredictability that has been missing in Tottenham's midfield, and he brings a belief that his team will always win.
That is crucial in trying to take down the established Big Four. The cost was high, but the message it will send about Tottenham is priceless.
AMFJohn Bostock: Undisclosed. Bostock is just 16 years old, but one of England's top young talents. He won't feature in Spurs' first-team anytime soon, but it's promising that he could've gone to any Premier League side and picked Tottenham.
Right Winger David Bentley: £15 million. Bentley delivered more crosses than any other winger in the Premier League in 2007-08. The price was a bit steep (Sergio Aguero cost a similar amount a few years back as a top-notch import), but the notoriously picky Ramos has seen Bentley up close and come away satisfied.
Total Outlay: Roughly £43 million
Transfers-Out this summer
Lee Young-Pyo: £800,000. Finally! He did not belong on a team with Champions League aspirations.
GK Paul Robinson: £3.5 million. Everyone knew this was coming, it was just a matter of time. No one has allowed more howlers; no one has ever been more overrated. It's best for both parties Paul.
Right-back Pascal Chimbonda: £4.9 million. He was no longer first-choice with the arrival of Hutton, he's moody, he broods, and he's coming off a horrible year. I thought they should have sold him when Chelsea came calling with £10 million last summer. It wouldn't have shown lack of ambition, as many fans suggested, it simply would've been good business.
Midfielder Steed Malbranque: £4 million. Malbranque actually may have be one to keep for depth, but his sale doesn't really hurt the side. It's hard to believe that Tottenham profited nearly enough from his sale to cover the cost of dos Santos.
Midfielder Teemu Tainio: £3 million. Tainio was a perfect example of why Tottenham was mired in its long-term position. He wouldn't start full-time for any of the top-10 Premier League sides, let alone the Big Four, yet he played regularly for Spurs. He rarely does anything of note.
Forward Robbie Keane: £19 million. A true all-around attacker, the loss of captain Keane will could sting this season. On the other hand, Spurs received good value for someone Keane's age.
Total Recouped: £35,000,000
A good number of key pieces have already been brought in. With an initial budget that was supposedly around £40 million, there's a lot left in the kitty. Luckily, there is no shortage of players that need to go as the roster is upgraded. The following could and should transpire:
Players to be sold
Center-back Younes Kaboul: £4.5 million. When midfielders Didier Zakora and Huddlestone are picked ahead of you out-of-position, it's time to move on. It's hard to say why he didn't work out since he was such a hot prospect before arriving, but it's better to sell him off before he turns into the next Titus Bramble.
Defender Ricardo Rocha: £1 million. Has he ever even played for Spurs?
Midfielder Hossam Ghaly: Loose Change? Pocket lint? Trouble follows him everywhere. He's literally worthless. He couldn't start full-time for Derby. It's a shame a £3 million move to Birmingham fell through last summer.
Midfielder Kevin Prince-Boateng: £4 million. See Younes Kaboul, but change next Titus Bramble to next Jan Kromkamp.
Forward Dimitar Berbatov: £25 million. It hurt to type that, but Tottenham will improve if it happens. Berbatov isn't happy in London, he wants to play in the Champions League now, and he deserves that privilege. He's been great for Tottenham, better than expected. He leaves White Hart Lane having touched fans with his class and gives Tottenham one last gift in the form of a substantial profit.
Total to be accumulated from sales: Roughly £35 million
What's the team look like after all the sales?
Assuming the rumors of a 4-3-3 are correct then Tottenham would be left with a first 11 of:
Gomes
Hutton, Woodgate, King, Gilberto
Jenas, Zakora, Bale
Bentley, Modric, Bent
That's not good enough; Jenas, Zakora, and Lennon should be nothing more than rotation players. But with over £60 million to spend, there's hope.
To match up with the Big Four, Tottenham needs an experienced center-midfielder that can spray the ball around and defend.
It's hard to say who Tottenham could attract since they don't present Champions League football; obviously Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and Andrea Pirlo won't end up at White Hart Lane.
They almost wasted money on Tiago Mendes in January, but luckily couldn't come to terms. Three names that Tottenham must pursue are Joao Moutinho (£15 million), Gennaro Gattuso (£5 million), and Miguel Veloso (£20 million). They are vastly different, ambitious targets, but all would bring valuable traits missing in the middle of the pitch.
Why would any of the three come to Tottenham?
Joao Moutinho would relish the opportunity to move from Portugal to the best league in the world. He would be less likely to get lost in the shuffle at Tottenham than at some of the bigger clubs after him.
Gattuso is as scrappy as anyone in the world. He's also as experienced and successful as anyone. He's spoken of wanting to play in the Premier League, AC Milan isn't in the Champions League next season anyways and leading Tottenham to a top-four finish would cap a brilliant career. His edge and drive could inspire Tottenham's entire team.
Veloso is at the same stage of his career as Modric. He's young, coveted by all of Europe, and can pretty much name his next destination. Tottenham has an opening for him at defensive midfielder (he'd be an upgrade over Zakora) where he can get major playing time.
Spurs have the money to pay for him, why not try to swoop right now ahead of the major European powers?
After securing the signature of one of the aforementioned targets, Tottenham needs to restock their pool of attacking players and wingers and add one central defender. They should have about £50 million left to do achieve these goals.
The first target that would be perfect is Lukas Podolski (£10-15 million). Podolski is ready to leave Bayern Munich and commented favorably about the prospect of playing at White Hart Lane. He was incredibly successful at Cologne and for Germany, but has not been great for Bayern.
He's versatile—he can play as a target man, as a supporting forward, or on the wing—and he's explosive. He demands to start every game; Tottenham would gladly guarantee him that.
He'd like to play for the one of the Big Four, but that may not be an option. Tottenham needs to be the shoulder for him to cry on.
One of Santi Cazorla (£9 million), David Silva (£20 million), or Diego Capel (£12 million) could be attracted by the chance of working with Juande Ramos. They would all help facilitate an open attack, too.
A versatile defender with experience at the top level would be immensely valuable to a side with a fragile back-line. Rafael Marquez (£9 million) fits the bill.
Finally, a top striker would be needed to fill the hole left by the sale of Berbatov. Ramos likes his former Sevilla troop Luis Fabiano. The price (£9 million release clause) works, and his goal rate is outstanding.
I do believe a handful of these moves could be completed, and if so, here's an example line-up.
Gomes
Hutton, King, Woodgate, Bale
Bentley, Veloso, Modric
Fabiano, Silva, Podolski
Bench: Jenas, Zakora, dos Santos, Marquez, Huddlestone, Gilberto, Dawson, Lennon
That compares well to a Liverpool line-up of:
Reina
Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio
Mascherano, Barry, Gerrard, Babel
Keane, Torres
If Damien Comolli and Daniel Levy were able to pull this off, maybe people would listen for a change when Tottenham fans call for a top-four finish this year.
Probably not, but they'll be in for a shock in the fall of 2010 when Tottenham runs out against AC Milan in the group stages.
These players are not valuable as in their team could never cope without them this coming season—like Dulwich Hamlet's Chris Dickson in 2006—but valuable as in how much they're worth on the transfer market. Dickson brought in a steep £35,000!
Paolo Maldini fans, Il Capitano didn't make the list, but his grandkids were given strong consideration.
10) Chelsea's Michael Essien—Chelsea made Essien the most expensive African footballer ever when they purchased him from Lyon for £24 million in 2005. He has only enhanced his reputation in his time at Stamford Bridge.
He's one of the most versatile players in the world, tough like Gattuso, and steadily developing his surprisingly impressive offensive skill-set. There isn't a side in the world that he wouldn't start for.
Value: £35 million
9) Arsenal's Cesc Fabregas—Cesc is soft, petulant, annoying, and pretty boring to watch; that's why he doesn't get a fancy YouTube video embedded in his name.
But he's also one of the best passers in the world. I was surprised to see that he scored seven Premier League goals last season. Eugh, I have nothing else to say here.
Value: £35 million
8) Bayern Munich's Franck Ribéry—Super Franck (can I do that?) has enjoyed a mercurial rise since World Cup 2006.
Zidane comparisons are hyperbolic, but Ribéry's game speaks for itself. If he played for a top English or Spanish side, he'd be a world superstar.
Value: £38 million
7) Manchester United's Wayne Rooney—It seems unfair to call a 22-year-old with 43 English caps and 195 Premier League appearances a disappointment, but Rooney has yet to add the clinical finishing that would make him unstoppable to his repertoire.
And he's yet to reign in his temper. And he definitely has the frame to add 20 pounds, the bad kind.
Despite those shortcomings, his tantalizing potential still shines through regularly. His work rate is remarkable for an offensive player, and he's capable of making goals that few in the world would venture to attempt.
Value: £40 million
6) Liverpool's Fernando Torres—A case could be made that he should be a few spots higher on this list, but the fact that he tattooed his name in J.R.R. Tolkien's Tengwar script on his forearm weighed heavily against him.
Yes, he's a proven goalscorer, Euro 2008 champion, and has lovely hair, but Tengwar?
Value: £45 million
5) Real Madrid's Sergio Ramos—There's definitely something going on between Torres and Ramos. Don't you sense it? Nothing wrong that, it's cool, whatever. Two less guys I gotta compete with.
What isn't cool is Torres's Tengwar tattoo. That's why Ramos is ranked ahead of him.
Value: £45 million
4) Atletico Madrid's Sergio Aguero—La Liga's best player in 2007-08 while just 19 years old, El Kun led Atletico's Champions League qualification run, their first since 2001-02.
How he fares in the Champions League and how he holds up physically are the only questions left to be answered by Aguero.
Value: £50 million
3) Barcelona's Lionel Messi—It's hard to believe Messi just turned 21 on June 24. It's also hard to believe his tiny legs can move so quickly.
When he's on his game, no number of opposing players can keep him from scoring. Injuries and inconsistency seem to stymie him all too often.
Value: £55 million
2) AC Milan's Kaká—Behind the angelic baby face and devotional undershirts lies the holy grail of modern midfielders. Kaká blends track speed, surprising power, and ridiculous skill.
He's consistently productive for both club and country, a rare scandal-free star, and still just 26 years old.
Value: £60 million
1) (Real Madrid via) Manchester United's Cristiano Ronaldo—The best player in the world (right now), Ronaldo is a master dribbler, shooter, and diver.
In 2007-08, he scored 42 goals in 48 games in leading Manchester United to a Premier League and Champions League double.
Before stumping up the list price for Ronaldo, Madrid should remember that two years ago Ronaldinho would've been atop this list at £100 million. Of course, Ronaldinho never outran a Bugatti. My bad.
As long as he keeps the trash talking, winks, and penalty kicking to a minimum, he may just be worth the investment.
Value: £70 million
Just falling short (hehe): Jean Carlos Chera—At age nine, the 4'6" wunderkind next-Pele, next-Maradona, next-Ronaldinho, next-Freddy Adu became an overnight Internet sensation.
Videos of him popping the keeper (who couldn't reach the crossbar jumping), dribbling through players as if they hadn't fully developed their leg muscles yet, and celebrating each of his 10 goals a game like they were World Cup game-winners flooded YouTube.
At the time, it was purported that Chera was the best U-14 player in all of Brazil. Santos may have mined a metaphorical golden talent. But probably not.
Also considered: Iker Casillas, Petr Cech, Steven Gerrard, Micah Richards, Robinho, Wesley Sneijder, Ricardo Quaresma, David Villa
It's hard to believe it's been just three years since Ronaldinho became the first player since Maradona to march into Santiago Bernabeu as an opposing player and inspire fans to deliver a standing ovation.
It's hard to believe it's been just two years since Ronaldinho hauled Barcelona to the Champions League title, and we heard media members around the globe proposition him as the best footballer ever, in their typical "what's-latest-is-greatest style."
It's hard to believe it's been just one year since Barcelona turned down yet another bid for Ronaldinho from Chelsea, this time for £55 million.
It's hard to believe that after all of the above, a seeking-to-sell Barca are struggling to find a single top club willing to take a chance on the buck-toothed Brazilian.
Perhaps the big clubs are correctly evaluating Ronaldinho.
You don't have to be Piet de Visser to notice that Ron Ron has been doing his best Fat Frank impression. He gained as much weight in as short a span of time as a typical American female in her first semester away at college. The now husky attacker lacks much of the quickness that allowed him to blow by wave after wave of defenders in his prime.
A quick look at his productivity in the last two seasons also calls into question whether he is still a Sambafoot genius. While he has posted a tremendous goal rate in La Liga (29 goals in his last 49 appearances), he's scored just three times in his last 16 Champions League matches.
Finally, he's followed the example set by compatriot Ronaldo and spent much of the last year being lambasted for his habit of partying late into the night, every night. Yet, he kept on partying.
Barcelona has had enough; Pep Guardiola wants Ronaldinho to go overseas come the start of the 2008-09 season.
Interest has been tepid, to say the least.
Manchester City wanted him to serve as a sort of circus figurehead for Thaksin Shinawatra's crazy regime. Ronaldinho wasn't having it, even at £200,000 per week. It seems he still sees himself as a big-club fixture, which is vital as it shows he stills harbors at least a modicum of ambition and pride.
AC Milan keep poking around the idea of allowing Ronaldinho to grace their majestic, fashionable club, with the caveat that it happen only on their terms (dirt-cheap in terms of both transfer fee and salary).
Milan make sense on the surface as they desperately need another world-class attacker. But isn't their problem that all of their players, sans Kaka and Alexandre Pato, are past their peak?
Would Milan be patient if Ronaldinho takes time to round into form or cast him off like they did to Ronaldo? There exist better options for Milan (Adebayor, Arshavin, Gomez, Villa) and Ronaldinho.
Who's left for Ronaldinho then?
He would likely approve a move to a top club in any of the three major leagues (La Liga, Serie A, and EPL).
Real Madrid are the only other Spanish club big enough for him, and they've only got one Galactico on their mind (Cristiano Ronaldo).
Jose Mourinho despises superstars with a sense of self-entitlement, so that rules out Inter Milan.
Are Juventus even elite anymore after being relegated because of the match-fixing scandal? Their other signings this transfer window suggest they are not.
That leaves Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.
Manchester United would be an option if Cristiano Ronaldo is sold. Ronaldinho would fit perfectly as a direct replacement. Chalk United up as an intriguing, though unlikely, destination.
Chelsea are definitely a threat to swoop for Ronaldinho. His brother/agent has dropped Chelsea's name in recent weeks. Ronaldinho even helped lead a Luiz Felipe Scolari team to World Cup glory in 2002.
They've got plenty of money and are always looking to make a splash. The problem is that they don't really need Ronaldinho. How many attacking midfielders, supporting strikers, and wingers can one side keep happy? Would he elevate Chelsea at all?
Both Gooners and Kopites believe, that despite what the standings have told the last three seasons, their teams are best. Yet, they simply possess a warped sense of perception.
The Big Four is now a Big Two, with two more very good sides lagging slightly behind.
Arsenal and Liverpool lack the spending power enjoyed by Manchester United and Chelsea, and an objectively executed position-by-position comparison shows a clear disparity between the talents of the sides.
Still, both are big enough for Ronaldinho. They have appeared in Champions League finals in the last three seasons. They both possess a few true world-class players, and they both have the stature and managers to satisfy and humble a former FIFA World Player of the Year.
And, Ronaldinho at his best could single-handedly close the gap between each club, and the two above them.
It's worth reminding that Arsenal's young squad finished the 2007-08 season four points off the title and just two points below Chelsea. That begs the question: Why would they touch Ronaldinho and mess with their seemingly assured upward trajectory?
While one may expect all to bode well for next season and beyond, some of the core players responsible for last season's impressive performance are on the way out.
Mathieu Flamini has already sealed a move to Milan. Emmanuel Adebayor may not be far behind; that is, unless he goes to Barcelona with Alexander Hleb.
If all three do depart as reported, Arsenal will have two huge holes to plug in midfield, while also searching for a way to replace Adebayor's 24 league goals up front.
A fit Ronaldinho could single-handedly replace all of Adebayor's production, and more.
A player with his creativity, dribbling, passing, and technical skills would be perfect for Arsene Wenger's vaunted attacking system. He is a proven goalscorer, who one might bet on to outscore Adebayor next season.
He also would provide the club a recognizable, bankable star with appeal around the world. That element has been missing at Arsenal since Thierry Henry flew out to join him last summer. Cesc Fabregas is an elite player, but not a recognizable face everywhere on the globe.
Arsenal would be on the lips of casual fans once again with the signing of Ronaldinho.
His marketability makes his signing a lot less complicated.
Upon leaving for the United States, reports suggested that David Beckham generated over £300 million for Real Madrid in his four seasons at the club. His presence positively impacted kit sales, television subscriptions, ticket sales, world tours, and brand value.
Ronaldinho would have the same impact on whatever club he ends up playing for, albeit most likely on a lesser scale than Becks.
The same could be said for a move to Liverpool. Financially, the move would pay for itself.
And Liverpool would have similar motive to bring in the Brazilian on the field, too.
Currently, Liverpool possess just three players (Steven Gerrard, Fernando Torres, and Javier Mascherano) capable of rivaling their counterparts fielded by Manchester United and Chelsea. Liverpool don't compare beyond that trio, despite what Reds fans believe.
Ronaldinho would bring diversity (outside of Babel, the team is shockingly white) and fun (forget Chelsea, there are few creative players on Liverpool). And playing for such a hardworking team in a blue-collar city should inspire him to put in effort.
Stevie G will get the lads to incorporate him right away. Craig Bellamy is no longer around to hit anyone with golf clubs. If there is one club and city that Ronaldinho would fail to find trouble at, it's Liverpool.
Everyone knows the saying that, in football, form is temporary, class is permanent. In that sense, there isn't a classier player in the world than Ronaldinho.
Arsenal and Liverpool would be foolish to pass on him when poor form and a few pies have rendered him a bargain. If Ronaldinho wants to recapture his inner Samba class, there would be no better place than Emirates or Anfield.
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